The Tale of the Missing Talilight

The Tale of the Missing Taillight

 

Life is real. If you are honest at least with yourself, you will know that life is not all victory, sweet moments, and “I’m wonderful.” Life has its times when it is just plain hard. There are times when despite what we tell others, we hurt inside. Even as those who do have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, who do know what the Word of God says and believe it that He loves us with an infinite love, and never leaves us. There are very real times of pain, and loneliness when we question ourselves, we don’t “feel” His nearness, and we just allow ourselves to get into a “funk.” It’s just life… it’s the way it is…let’s be honest.

This is exacerbated when we are not feeling well physically, and or when we are going through a particularly challenging time emotionally, financially, or whatever. You with me?

Recently I have been going through one of those times. Questions about finances, personal relational issues that remain unresolved, questions about direction of ministry, and frankly, what my life is supposed to look like. I live in a time of many such questions and unknowns. It’s not that I don’t know all the “right things,” it’s just that with physical exhaustion, added to this, it’s been difficult. Isolated, alone, unknowns, I was praying, and reading and studying, but still at times struggling.

One of the hobbies I have had since my early teenage years (that’s over 55 years) has been building model cars. When I was thirteen years of age, I won a first place trophy in a model car contest, and have continued the hobby over the years. It’s a way to relax (usually) and something I enjoy. I had been working on a project for some time. It’s had it’s problems. I always like to do custom work on my cars, so I had done some personal customizing on this model of a 1957 Chrysler 300. The paint was done for the second time, all was ready to start putting it together when I noticed that one of the small taillights for the car was missing. These are not big pieces, and I had not idea where it might have gone.  I was really kind of ticked off at the whole situation, and was in the kind of mood where I was thinking, “yea, just another crappy thing in my life… can’t even do this right.” You know how it goes. Even one of those times when I’m saying, “Lord, why do you let this stuff happen to me? You know how down I am anyway!”

I had searched every box, I had searched the entire carpet in my bedroom where I was doing the work with a high power flashlight… nothing. Searching over and over again… nothing. Gone! Where could it have gone? I was only working on this model in my bedroom at my desk. I had had them both just a couple days before as I prepared them to glue into place. And now, I had only one, and was left with the prospect of having to form a different kind of taillight by hand. There was a day when I had drawers full of parts that I could have used… but not now.  Just another “sucker punch” to my already aching jaw.

Then, one evening as I was in the kitchen finishing up washing the dishes, it felt like I stepped on something. It was big enough to hurt, so I looked around on the floor, and lo and behold, there was that taillight, on the kitchen floor! I had not had my model or the boxes in the kitchen. How it got there I had no idea, but there it was. And then came that still small voice, so gentle and loving. “I just wanted you to know that I’ve got you. This was a way for me to show you that, yes, I am here, and yes I care. Relax in my arms and let go of your anxiety and stressed. Just like I let you find this taillight, I am with you in all the other bigger things in your life. Relax” Wow, Lord! You would use a little thing like this taillight to let me know that you are holding me? Thanks for reminding me of your great love and grace!

I imagine that there may be some things in your life, or there will be some things in your life that have gotten you down, and you feel alone, abandoned, and discouraged in the midst of the battle. Remember the Tale of the Missing Taillight. He knows you. He knows your needs. He cares about ever detail of your life, and wants you and me to know that we are always in His hands. Even when we don’t “feel” like it. Allow Him to remind you of that fact today… and whenever you feel alone and overwhelmed.

As David says in Psalm 73: 22-24: I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.

Continuing to walk in the Land of Firsts... unknown territory

Unknown Territory...

Christmas 2015... There is not a lot I am able to say about my situation at this point. But simply to say that in all my life, I never thought I would find myself in this place. Another vast field of "unknownness" in this Land of Firsts.

There are those times that I look in the mirror and say' "What the  heck happened? What happened to my life? How did this happen to me?"

Then...

There are those precious times when the Lord draws near and reminds me of not only His presence, but His sufficiency in every need. I have come to say often during this time; "Lord, You're all I need, and everything I need is found in You." Loss, again, not pursued, not desired, not understood, yet loss never the less wants to steal from us. Only a trust in the goodness of God is enough to see one through.

So now, as I deal with another Christmas from a place of loss, the Lord has challenged me in so many ways... in the areas of Reforming, Restoring, and Rebuilding. Learning to make a new life again.

There are still those times when the tears fall un-beckoned, yet coming from some well deep within...tears of loss, tears of sadness, tears of grief.

Yet this truth remains... I have not slipped out of God's hands. He holds me securely, lovingly, knowingly wth a vision to a future. So He and I walk one step at a time...

through this Land of Firsts.... how vast this land is....

'till next time....

The First's Continue

The First’s Continue

The Land of First’s is a large territory, always filled with new adventures, new challenges, and new blessings… if we will have the heart and eyes to see them.

I did not choose to come to this Land of First’s. I was thrust into this land by circumstances not of my choosing. Of late I have not written much about this Land of First’s because I have been engulfed with so many new challenges and blessings in this Land.

My adventure in this Land of First’s began with the death of my wife, Marilou in September of 2011. The challenges were many and immense. In October of 2012, I moved to Joao Pessoa, Brazil. Talk about a Land of First’s! EVERYTHING was a first. Culture, food, language, people, church, way of life. When I arrived, I told the folks here; “everything you don’t even think about, is new to me.”

The church here welcomed me as best they knew how, but they had never brought a missionary here before, and there were many times of severe isolation and loneliness. No transportation, not knowing the language enough to communicate effectively, no one who was a real friend who I could confide in. This Land of First’s was overwhelming in many ways.

But God is always faithful. Over and over again, He reassured me with the call He had put on my life when He called me here. That call from Psalm 71: 17-21: O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood, and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do. Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty miracles to all who come after me. Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. Who can compare with you, O God? You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.

And again, the word from Joshua 22:5 from The Message version: Only this: Be vigilant in keeping the Commandment and The Revelation that Moses the servant of GOD laid on you: Love GOD, your God, walk in all his ways, do what he's commanded, embrace him, serve him with everything you are and have." 

At times, people from the church would bring these verses to me not knowing how God had already used them in my life.

In July of 2013, I encountered another First in this Land, a growing relationship with a young woman in the church. Crizelania Pereira became more than just a friend. And even this relationship would be tested.

The 29th of October, 2013, I was returning home from her house, riding my bicycle, when I was struck by a motorcycle. A hit and run. Crizelania was at the scene almost immediately to be by my side. Another first… a severely fractured tibia. I had never had a broken bone in my life, now at age 65, I had a broken tibia, and was heading to the trauma hospital. 

 

This too was full of Firsts!! The setting of the leg… I experienced pain like I had never experienced before. I’m afraid my screams filled the halls of the hospital that afternoon. I waited one week before having surgery to repair my leg. From what I was told, that was a miracle, because many people wait months for surgery. The doctor told Criz that because of my age and the severity of the fracture, he was not sure I would walk normally again. During the next three months, Criz, and members of the church, mostly the youth cared for me as I was confined to bed, or after a time the bed and a wheelchair. Criz gave up her occupation as a seamstress to oversee my care. It was an act of love that can never be repaid.

Each day I prayed and asked the Lord to knit together my leg in the same way he knit me together the first time in my mother’s womb, Psalm 139:15. Many were amazed at how well and how quickly my leg healed, and by February, the doctor released me to be able to walk the isle for our wedding on Valentine’s Day, February 14^th. 

The Land of First’s continues to expand before me and challenge me and bless me. New horizons, new challenges of learning to be a multi-lingual, multi-cultural family, the blessings of one another, and finding the blessings of being a new family.

It is actually quite amazing how large is this Land of First’s.  And how diverse is this Land of First’s. Challenges, and blessings, difficulties and blessings all First’s in my life. I continue to walk day by day in this Land, never quite knowing what the next “First” will be.

‘Till next time…

Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

 Today, September 3, 2013 marks the two year anniversary of the home-going of Marilou. I am finding it very difficult to find words to express all of the varied things that are going on inside

As would be expected, the “grief clock” keeps perfect time, and the past week or so has been an ebb and flow of the tides of remembrance. Memories that come like a high tide, and then ebb away, and another washes up on shore.

 

But it is true, at this two year mark things are different. I am not “filled” with grief. I have memories, and some feelings, but they are not overwhelming. Sometimes strong. Last night at my English class, I played for the class the song by Matt Redman, “10,0000 Reasons.” The last stanza says, 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come

As we sang those words, there was the start of a tear in my eyes, but because we were in class, that was quickly controlled. But overall… remembrances…

Now, at the two year mark those remembrances are being tempered with this new life that I am living. New experiences, new friendships, a whole new and different life. So it’s a bit of a strange kind of mixture. The realization that a 40 year season of my life is past. I have many memories… those years shaped who I am, but this new season of my life I am determined to live to the fullest with all the energy and faith that the Lord will grant me. There are new ministries here, new cultures, new challenges and new relationships. 

And so, amazingly enough, the writer of Ecclesiastes was correct when he wrote: 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:

And so, again, I am in this weird place of remembrances of a past season that had it’s time, and a new season that is coming into full bloom.

 The common thread between the two is that in both seasons, my desire is to serve the Lord with all my heart and soul, and strength and mind for the glory of His Name. I don’t always succeed, but it is my all-consuming goal that on that day when I stand before my Lord, I will hear from His own lips, “Well done, Steve!”

 

To that end, I embrace a new season, here in the Land of Firsts.

Thanks for walking along with me….

Until next time…

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Dois anos , ea viagem continua ...

 Hoje, 03 de setembro de 2013 marca o segundo aniversário da morte de Marilou . Eu estou achando muito difícil encontrar palavras para expressar todas as coisas variadas que estão acontecendo dentroComo seria de esperar , o " relógio pesar " mantém o tempo perfeito, e na semana passada ou assim tem sido um fluxo e refluxo das marés de recordação. As memórias que vêm como uma maré alta, e , em seguida, refluxo de distância, e outro lava -se em terra.

 Mas é verdade , a estas duas coisas marca do ano são diferentes. Eu não estou "cheio " com tristeza. Tenho lembranças , e alguns sentimentos , mas eles não são esmagadoras. Às vezes forte . Ontem à noite, minha aula de Inglês , eu joguei para a classe a canção de Matt Redman , " 10.0000 razões . " A última estrofe diz:

 E no dia em que a minha força está falhandoO fim se aproxima ea minha hora chegou

 Como cantamos essas palavras , houve o início de uma lágrima nos meus olhos , mas porque estávamos em aula, que foi rapidamente controlado . Mas no geral ... lembranças ...

 Agora , aos dois anos as lembranças estão sendo temperado com esta nova vida que estou vivendo . Novas experiências , novas amizades, uma vida nova e diferente . Por isso, é um pouco de um estranho tipo de mistura . A percepção de que a temporada da minha vida 40 anos é passado. Tenho muitas lembranças ... os anos moldaram quem eu sou , mas esta nova temporada da minha vida eu estou determinado a viver ao máximo com toda a energia e fé de que o Senhor me concede . 

 Há novos ministérios aqui , novas culturas , novos desafios e novos relacionamentos .

 E assim, surpreendentemente, o escritor de Eclesiastes estava correto quando escreveu:

 Eclesiastes 3:01 Para tudo há um tempo , um tempo para todo propósito debaixo do céu :E assim , mais uma vez , eu estou neste lugar estranho de lembranças de uma época passada que tinha na hora, e uma nova temporada que está chegando em plena floração.

  O ponto em comum entre os dois é que, em ambas as estações , o meu desejo é servir ao Senhor com todo o meu coração e alma, mente e força, e para a glória do Seu Nome. Eu nem sempre bem-sucedida, mas é o meu objetivo de todos os consumidores que naquele dia, quando estou diante de meu Senhor , eu vou ouvir de seus próprios lábios : "Bem feito , Steve! "

 Para esse fim, abraçar uma nova temporada, aqui na Terra de Firsts .

 Obrigado por caminhar junto comigo ....Até a próxima vez ...

Walking Through the Land of Firsts: Signposts of Time...

I posted a new entry on my blog, "Walking Through the Land of Firsts," called Signposts of Time... I invite you to read and walk along...

http://thelandoffirsts.blogspot.com.br/

Signposts of Time...

We are familiar with the phrase, "Time marches on" for indeed time continues to proceed through all our various experiences of life... even here in the Land of Firsts.

Today I am struck by the interesting way God has of making signposts for us along the way. In the Old Testament, God gave the Israelites feasts and festivals to commemorate certain events and special times in their corporate lives. The Feast of Passover to remember when God passed over those who had obeyed and sprinkled the blood on the door posts, for example. These are meant to remind us of the faithfulness of God in our lives, so that we never forget His goodness, and so that as we march into the future, we remember that He is good, all the time.

 
Sometimes those signposts have an interesting way of lining up. I am reminded of that today, July 30th. 

Two years ago today, Marilou and I rented a truck, recruited a noble band of volunteers and spent the day loading a moving truck to take our furniture and belongings from an apartment to our new house in Monroe, Washington. That morning, while we were loading the truck,

Marilou went to the doctor to have a further blood test done, then came back and helped us move. That night, July 30th was our first night in our new home. So beautiful and so peaceful. Just 35 days later, she would leave that house, and her earthly body for her eternal home with Jesus. I have often explained that even though our time in that house was so short, it was all for her. To give her a peaceful, comfortable environment for her last month on this earth.



But you see, time marches on, and God gives us signposts along the way. It was one year ago today that I was in San Francisco, California at the Brazilian Consulate to present my application for a Missionary Visa to Brazil. Most of the month of 2012 had been spent in preparation for this day.
I had been told that the process would take a long time.

Yet, when I sat there at the window, the gal took my paperwork, went to the back for about five minutes, returned to the window and told me I should have my visa within ten days!!  I received it on the ninth day!







Today, July 30th I am here in Brazil as Pastor of Intercession at First Baptist Church in Valentina, Joao Pessoa, Brazil, and I have a very good friend who is having an interview with Bishop Simone of the church which could have major implications for my life here.

The Signposts of Time. God gives us these remembrances to help us never to forget that He is good, and He is faithful. Some of the events we remember carry with them painful memories. Other events are full of praise and rejoicing, and hope. but with everyone of these signposts, we  have the opportunity to remember not just the event of the past, but the God who promises us that He will never leave us for forsake us. That even through the vally of the shadow of death, He is with us, He carries  us, He guides us, He covers us. And He promises us a future that is full of hope as we trust in Him.

Today, whatever you may be facing... you can trust in God. Today, perhaps, He is making for you a Signpost of Time for you to remember in the years ahead.

That's is from here in the Land of Firsts.... 'till next time...

The Clock is Ticking...

It's actually quite amazing... I have mentioned it before, but today, June 25, 2013, my grief clock is ticking away.

It actually started yesterday... this sense of loss, that empty feeling kept coming back. At first it was a bit mysterious. Lately I have been having those increasing feelings of the emptiness inside. A realization that I "don't have someone" kind of sweeps over me from time to time. And it has been increasing in recent days. I just kind of figured I needed to "get a grip," you know?

So I began to do a little "investigating." And behold, the countdown has begun. What countdown? The countdown toward Marilou's death. What is it about today? Today, two years ago, June 25, 2011, Marilou and I signed the papers to buy the house in Monroe, Washington. At the time, it seemed as if God had put all the pieces together for us to get that house. And He had indeed. There were so many ways we saw the Lords hand in every detail. And it was on this day that the purchase papers were signed. Thus begins the countdown clock.

The next month for us would be packing and preparing to move from our apartment. And it would also begin the fall of the dominoes in rapid succession leading to the end. During the month of July she was packing and working hard, and feeling more and more tired. Dealing with what at the time seemed like a case of reflux. She went to the doctor the first part of July, and he recommended an ultrasound. That happened on July 27th.

It was also three years ago, this July that we took our three week trip to Brazil to pray and seek the face of God. It was that trip that prepared her for what she would face the next year.


So here I am, in this land of firsts, the countdown clock within my spirit has started. Without my really initiating anything, my inner person "knew" that this is that season of the final countdown. I wonder if that is so I can prepare myself for the feelings that will come, or whether "preparing" is not as good as just "letting." Letting the feelings flow as they come, or trying to prepare myself for what I know will be the inevitable depth of feeling that comes with the remembering, the memories, the feelings.

My suspicion is that it will be a little of both, right? Even now, almost two years later, it is hard sometimes to imagine that it all really happened. It all get's jumbled up between reality and memories, and present feelings. But it's another part of this journey through this strange land. Almost a little like Alice in Wonderland, when you are not sure what is real, and what is not.

Each milestone finds me at a little different place. Now is not the gripping, biting, agonizing grief of 21 months ago. It's more subdued... more linked with deeper feelings and memories, but still very real. It's just plain weird. Coming up, two years... hard to imagine... all the changes in my life. All that I miss of what we had. All I can only hold on to in the tenuous grip of memories. But that's all I have  now... memories. And now memories of the countdown of two years ago. House buying, packing and moving, doctors visits, and then gone so suddenly.  Well, I'd better stop now... duties call, and live is waiting....

Thanks for walking with me through this Land of Firsts...

'till next time...