Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

 Today, September 3, 2013 marks the two year anniversary of the home-going of Marilou. I am finding it very difficult to find words to express all of the varied things that are going on inside

As would be expected, the “grief clock” keeps perfect time, and the past week or so has been an ebb and flow of the tides of remembrance. Memories that come like a high tide, and then ebb away, and another washes up on shore.

 

But it is true, at this two year mark things are different. I am not “filled” with grief. I have memories, and some feelings, but they are not overwhelming. Sometimes strong. Last night at my English class, I played for the class the song by Matt Redman, “10,0000 Reasons.” The last stanza says, 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come

As we sang those words, there was the start of a tear in my eyes, but because we were in class, that was quickly controlled. But overall… remembrances…

Now, at the two year mark those remembrances are being tempered with this new life that I am living. New experiences, new friendships, a whole new and different life. So it’s a bit of a strange kind of mixture. The realization that a 40 year season of my life is past. I have many memories… those years shaped who I am, but this new season of my life I am determined to live to the fullest with all the energy and faith that the Lord will grant me. There are new ministries here, new cultures, new challenges and new relationships. 

And so, amazingly enough, the writer of Ecclesiastes was correct when he wrote: 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:

And so, again, I am in this weird place of remembrances of a past season that had it’s time, and a new season that is coming into full bloom.

 The common thread between the two is that in both seasons, my desire is to serve the Lord with all my heart and soul, and strength and mind for the glory of His Name. I don’t always succeed, but it is my all-consuming goal that on that day when I stand before my Lord, I will hear from His own lips, “Well done, Steve!”

 

To that end, I embrace a new season, here in the Land of Firsts.

Thanks for walking along with me….

Until next time…

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Dois anos , ea viagem continua ...

 Hoje, 03 de setembro de 2013 marca o segundo aniversário da morte de Marilou . Eu estou achando muito difícil encontrar palavras para expressar todas as coisas variadas que estão acontecendo dentroComo seria de esperar , o " relógio pesar " mantém o tempo perfeito, e na semana passada ou assim tem sido um fluxo e refluxo das marés de recordação. As memórias que vêm como uma maré alta, e , em seguida, refluxo de distância, e outro lava -se em terra.

 Mas é verdade , a estas duas coisas marca do ano são diferentes. Eu não estou "cheio " com tristeza. Tenho lembranças , e alguns sentimentos , mas eles não são esmagadoras. Às vezes forte . Ontem à noite, minha aula de Inglês , eu joguei para a classe a canção de Matt Redman , " 10.0000 razões . " A última estrofe diz:

 E no dia em que a minha força está falhandoO fim se aproxima ea minha hora chegou

 Como cantamos essas palavras , houve o início de uma lágrima nos meus olhos , mas porque estávamos em aula, que foi rapidamente controlado . Mas no geral ... lembranças ...

 Agora , aos dois anos as lembranças estão sendo temperado com esta nova vida que estou vivendo . Novas experiências , novas amizades, uma vida nova e diferente . Por isso, é um pouco de um estranho tipo de mistura . A percepção de que a temporada da minha vida 40 anos é passado. Tenho muitas lembranças ... os anos moldaram quem eu sou , mas esta nova temporada da minha vida eu estou determinado a viver ao máximo com toda a energia e fé de que o Senhor me concede . 

 Há novos ministérios aqui , novas culturas , novos desafios e novos relacionamentos .

 E assim, surpreendentemente, o escritor de Eclesiastes estava correto quando escreveu:

 Eclesiastes 3:01 Para tudo há um tempo , um tempo para todo propósito debaixo do céu :E assim , mais uma vez , eu estou neste lugar estranho de lembranças de uma época passada que tinha na hora, e uma nova temporada que está chegando em plena floração.

  O ponto em comum entre os dois é que, em ambas as estações , o meu desejo é servir ao Senhor com todo o meu coração e alma, mente e força, e para a glória do Seu Nome. Eu nem sempre bem-sucedida, mas é o meu objetivo de todos os consumidores que naquele dia, quando estou diante de meu Senhor , eu vou ouvir de seus próprios lábios : "Bem feito , Steve! "

 Para esse fim, abraçar uma nova temporada, aqui na Terra de Firsts .

 Obrigado por caminhar junto comigo ....Até a próxima vez ...

More Firsts and Other Mileposts...

Part of learning to walk through the Land of Firsts, is discovering the fact that there will always be Firsts before you... things that are new for you in this Land.

And there are other milestones that you encounter along the way that you learn how to recognize and move on. All a part of the Adventure!

This year I had a new First... my first birthday in Brazil... and my first ever birthday party on the beach!  How great is that!?

That night at church was also a special time when they recognized my birthday with some special gifts and presentations... it was special and humbling.
I am surrounded by people who accept and love me, and I live in a place that is beautiful. The Lord is good, and I am reminded many times how blessed I am to be here. This season of my life is one that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams.

Another first... In April we completed our first ever "Missions" trip to the USA, telling the story of the transformation of Algodao de Jandairea. I considered it a part of the ministry of Your Servant in Christ Ministries to share the story and inspire other communities with the message of transforming revival. Bishops Eneas and Simone from First Baptist Church, Valentine went with me and the Lord blessed in many ways.

 They had a little taste of American church life and American culture and food. They also had a little taste of my world trying to fit in, and understand in the midst of learning a new language.(Nice contrast between the beach and the snow, eh?)

Another First... a first for my whole life of 65 years,,, after much prayer, introspection and counsel, I had to break off a relationship that just was not right for me in this time. It was difficult and the first time ever I have had to do that. There were a lot of things that went into that decision, but much of it had to do with being self-aware of who I am and where I am on this journey ata this time. It was not easy, but it was necessary.
I have much healing to do yet. As I was reflecting, I realized in a fresh way that in the 20 months since Marilou passed away, I have not really had a lot of time to discover ... "Who AM I?"  Immediately after Marilou passed, I began to work hard to finish my book so that I could bring it down to Brazil in December. The whole year of 2012 was a blur of preparing to move here to Brazil... selling my (our) possessions, applying for the Visa, so many arrangements, then moving here in October of 2012, and since then the huge job of language study and cultural adaptation. I had tears in my eyes as I realized how precious little time I  have had to just try to figure out who I am now in this Land of Firsts. I need time.

Not only are there Firsts here in this Land, but there are Milestones that I pass along the way. May 20th would have been Marilou and my 41st  Wedding Anniversary. Again, I was struck by how much of my life was lived with and affected by this one person. The vast majority of my life has been touched and shaped by that relationship... now I am "on my own" and trying to discover in a different way who I am. A journey of self-discovery at age 65.... you have to smile!!

And so, walking through this Land of Firsts is never really finished, is it? New challenges, New experiences, Milestones along the way all make the Adventure one that necessitates my being in tune with the Lord, listening to Him, being aware, and obedient. And knowing that He is always faithful.

Hey... It's an Adventure after all!!

Thanks for walking along for a while...

'till next time...

Intense...

 That is about the only way to describe the sense of isolation that I am feeling in these days...

This sense of isolation is the product of a number of contributing factors...
 -- March 3rd was the 18 month anniversary of Marilou's passing
     -- March 9th would have been Marilou's 66th birthday
     -- I have recently had some very crushing disappointments that have left my heart broken and left me struggling not to give in to unrealistic expectation.
     --  Although most of the time I feel like I am making "moderate" progress with the language, when all the above are added to the issues of isolation because of language, the situation grows more intense. When you try your best and they still say, "I don't understand." you wonder sometimes if you will every get it.
    --  There is in reality no one here with whom I can share... there are times when you just miss sitting down with a friend who can listen and understand. I do not have that here at this time.
     --  Not having transportation, and not having folks near to help me learn... my language is not enough to get me many places, but I need to try harder.

There are other issues and thought that crowd into my mind...
     -- March 3rd was Sunday.... I was so occupied on that day, that honestly, I didn't even realize it was the 18 month anniversary. So then I try to figure if I should be feeling guilty for not remembering, or if that is a sign that I am "kind of" moving on?  I honestly don't know.


     --  I don't know if a close intimate relationship is in God's plan for me, so I am wanting to really focus on His sufficiency for me. He spoke to me during one worship service and reminded me that He is enough.
     --  The lack of companionship after 39 years can be pretty intense. You get used to having someone to just talk to about "stuff."

So, this is part of the "Land of Firsts" too... the isolation is not a "First" but each time it becomes intense, it feels like another first.
 What do you do in these situations?  You remember the Truth.

  One time I wrote in the margin of my Bible at Psalm 63:2 these words: "Don't doubt on the battlefield what you've seen in the Sanctuary."
Psalm 63:1-2 states: 
A Psalm of David when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You In a dry and thirsty land Where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory.



So, I remember the words from the Sanctuary... "I am enough" "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want"  "You shall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side." (Psalm 71:21)

Another leg on this journey of "Walking Through the Land of Firsts."

Thanks for listening....and walking along for a while...

'til next time....

First Thanksgiving in Brazil

First Thanksgiving in Brazil...

    The Land of Firsts is a strange place. Just about the time when you think you’ve got things almost figured out… the Land of Firsts throws you a curve ball.

    Now, you have to understand…this “Region” of the Land of Firsts is packed full of first things. And honestly, there is no way to begin to list all the “Firsts” that I have encountered in this month since I left the USA. Every day is filled with “Firsts”. The “Firsts” of foods, for example.

      About the only thing that is not “new” is rice and beans, and even then it’s prepared differently.  Not a problem, I could eat rice and beans every day and not get tired of it. But there is plenty that is new. And not only that, but now I need to learn how to cook at that new food!!

There was the first time going grocery shopping… how do you know what to buy when you don’t even know what to fix?!

And of course the first week in my new house… still getting settled, finding out what I still need to get for the house… .lot’s of “Firsts.”  The first time to use my new washing machine. First time putting my clothes on the line to dry. Cooking my first meals. The list could go on and on.

    Yet, despite the many “Firsts” and many challenges, I feel very much at home here in this new land. Of course those who know me know that I am LOVING the warm weather. The folks here are complaining because it is so hot, and I’m enjoying it immensely. 

 

    The life and vitality of the people and of the church are infectious, and at each worship service, I feel so much at home. There will be those times when the challenges will be more intense, but there is a peace I have at this point of just being here… feels like home.

Even with the neighbor's rooster crowing in my back yard... 

     Today as I write this, it is Thanksgiving back home. Family and friends are preparing for their Thanksgiving get-togethers. I had thought about trying to make a Thanksgiving dinner here, but the time just did not allow it. So it was nice when I was invited to a neighbor’s house. Actually a couple in the church that live just two doors down from me. They were having a baptism for a woman in the church who has terminal cancer. The doctors have told her there is no cure, no treatment, and they can only help her manage the pain. It was a sweet time as family and friends gathered in the back of the house and the pastor baptized her in a large plastic tub.

    That is when the surprise came. I was overcome with the memories of Marilou’s last days.  It was all I could do to blink away my tears. The peace in this sister's countenance reminded me of the peace that Marilou had in those last few days we had together. I was blind-sided! The nice thing is, I fit right in as everyone else had tear in their eyes as well, but for their friend. I, tears of grief, of remembrance. It was again rather surprising to me… why is it that these times seem to catch me by surprise? Yet each time, the grief just kind of pops in on some situation, and I’m left trying to cover up the best I can. I didn’t want my own tears to be a distraction from what they were sharing together. Leaving and going home to cry would only raise more questions, so I looked into the corner and let the waves of tears pass.

    Then, it was back to trying to understand the conversations, trying to fit in where I could. I sat there enjoying the life, the fellowship they share together… it was life-giving.

    And so, another day in the Land of Firsts. New vocabulary words, new verbs to conjugate, new things to learn. Loving this place I am at right now, and yet reminded every once in a while of how different things are now than they used to be a few short months ago. So very  different. 

  

The Adventure continues…

The Grief Clock keeps good Time...

November 3, 2012 – 

The Grief Clock Keeps Good Time…

This is still the land of firsts… and there are certainly many firsts… to many to name then all here… Let alone the new language, new culture, new city, new family, new foods, a new Brazilian haircut, new words, new friends, new schedule,… I have always been an early morning / early to bed kind of person… well my new schedule is that it is normal at least in the pastor’s household and in this culture to be up at midnight, 1:00am. The difficulty I have is that I wake up with the light, which here is about 4:30am.

And on the list can go… what I  have told Eneas and Simone here is that EVERYTHING they take for granted is NEW to me. From shopping for, preparing, and cooking food, to how to dispense with the toilet paper…  you see, here you don’t flush your toilet paper… you put it in a little canister by the toilet.

Well, in the midst of all of this… the last few days have been more emotional than usual and then I realized that, yes, indeed, the Grief Clock keeps good time. 

 Today is the 14^th month Anniversary of Marilou’s death. In fact, 14 months, and 15 minutes ago, as I am writing this...

Seems hard to  believe… who would have ever imagined even a year ago that I would be moved here and starting a new life in this place. 

Now understand… it’s all good.  I have such assurance that the Lord has lead me here, but there is still that pesky thing of grief to deal with…  that’s one of the few things that I didn’t leave behind in the U.S.  I’m happy with what God is doing, even in this short week since I have been here…

But Grief has to have it’s way, and I know I need to allow it to do it’s work… but right now it’s hard. The other thing that makes it hard, is that I am pretty much alone in my grief. It’s really always been that way… I can share the fact with people, but no one understands… really… unless they have experienced the death of a spouse after such a long time of marriage. And no one around me has experienced that, so I am alone in my grief until it will pass. Until the next time.

It is indeed strange that there can be such a mixture of emotions in one person in one day. We went down to the beach today… some people in the church here have a place near the beach… not the tourist beach… natural beach… beautiful white sand for kilometers up and down the coast. Waves crashing in at the tide was coming in. Amazingly stunning, and I was reminded of Marilou and I at the Beach in Joao Pessoa in 2010,

and then last December bringing her ashes back to that same beach.

So, I write, and don’t try to figure it out, and I let grief have it’s way… knowing that the Grief Clock keeps good time. Maybe next month, I don’t know, but at some unexpected moment the Grief Clock will strike it’s note and remind me of a chapter of  my life that is past, yet now apart. The page has been turned, but the chapter  has been written in permanent ink so that it can be referenced at any time.

Tomorrow?  More firsts… my first “second week” in Brazil.  And more firsts await me in this next chapter of Walking Through the Land of Firsts.

 

Thanks for walking with me this little  way...

‘Till next time….