Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

 Today, September 3, 2013 marks the two year anniversary of the home-going of Marilou. I am finding it very difficult to find words to express all of the varied things that are going on inside

As would be expected, the “grief clock” keeps perfect time, and the past week or so has been an ebb and flow of the tides of remembrance. Memories that come like a high tide, and then ebb away, and another washes up on shore.

 

But it is true, at this two year mark things are different. I am not “filled” with grief. I have memories, and some feelings, but they are not overwhelming. Sometimes strong. Last night at my English class, I played for the class the song by Matt Redman, “10,0000 Reasons.” The last stanza says, 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come

As we sang those words, there was the start of a tear in my eyes, but because we were in class, that was quickly controlled. But overall… remembrances…

Now, at the two year mark those remembrances are being tempered with this new life that I am living. New experiences, new friendships, a whole new and different life. So it’s a bit of a strange kind of mixture. The realization that a 40 year season of my life is past. I have many memories… those years shaped who I am, but this new season of my life I am determined to live to the fullest with all the energy and faith that the Lord will grant me. There are new ministries here, new cultures, new challenges and new relationships. 

And so, amazingly enough, the writer of Ecclesiastes was correct when he wrote: 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:

And so, again, I am in this weird place of remembrances of a past season that had it’s time, and a new season that is coming into full bloom.

 The common thread between the two is that in both seasons, my desire is to serve the Lord with all my heart and soul, and strength and mind for the glory of His Name. I don’t always succeed, but it is my all-consuming goal that on that day when I stand before my Lord, I will hear from His own lips, “Well done, Steve!”

 

To that end, I embrace a new season, here in the Land of Firsts.

Thanks for walking along with me….

Until next time…

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Dois anos , ea viagem continua ...

 Hoje, 03 de setembro de 2013 marca o segundo aniversário da morte de Marilou . Eu estou achando muito difícil encontrar palavras para expressar todas as coisas variadas que estão acontecendo dentroComo seria de esperar , o " relógio pesar " mantém o tempo perfeito, e na semana passada ou assim tem sido um fluxo e refluxo das marés de recordação. As memórias que vêm como uma maré alta, e , em seguida, refluxo de distância, e outro lava -se em terra.

 Mas é verdade , a estas duas coisas marca do ano são diferentes. Eu não estou "cheio " com tristeza. Tenho lembranças , e alguns sentimentos , mas eles não são esmagadoras. Às vezes forte . Ontem à noite, minha aula de Inglês , eu joguei para a classe a canção de Matt Redman , " 10.0000 razões . " A última estrofe diz:

 E no dia em que a minha força está falhandoO fim se aproxima ea minha hora chegou

 Como cantamos essas palavras , houve o início de uma lágrima nos meus olhos , mas porque estávamos em aula, que foi rapidamente controlado . Mas no geral ... lembranças ...

 Agora , aos dois anos as lembranças estão sendo temperado com esta nova vida que estou vivendo . Novas experiências , novas amizades, uma vida nova e diferente . Por isso, é um pouco de um estranho tipo de mistura . A percepção de que a temporada da minha vida 40 anos é passado. Tenho muitas lembranças ... os anos moldaram quem eu sou , mas esta nova temporada da minha vida eu estou determinado a viver ao máximo com toda a energia e fé de que o Senhor me concede . 

 Há novos ministérios aqui , novas culturas , novos desafios e novos relacionamentos .

 E assim, surpreendentemente, o escritor de Eclesiastes estava correto quando escreveu:

 Eclesiastes 3:01 Para tudo há um tempo , um tempo para todo propósito debaixo do céu :E assim , mais uma vez , eu estou neste lugar estranho de lembranças de uma época passada que tinha na hora, e uma nova temporada que está chegando em plena floração.

  O ponto em comum entre os dois é que, em ambas as estações , o meu desejo é servir ao Senhor com todo o meu coração e alma, mente e força, e para a glória do Seu Nome. Eu nem sempre bem-sucedida, mas é o meu objetivo de todos os consumidores que naquele dia, quando estou diante de meu Senhor , eu vou ouvir de seus próprios lábios : "Bem feito , Steve! "

 Para esse fim, abraçar uma nova temporada, aqui na Terra de Firsts .

 Obrigado por caminhar junto comigo ....Até a próxima vez ...

The Clock is Ticking...

It's actually quite amazing... I have mentioned it before, but today, June 25, 2013, my grief clock is ticking away.

It actually started yesterday... this sense of loss, that empty feeling kept coming back. At first it was a bit mysterious. Lately I have been having those increasing feelings of the emptiness inside. A realization that I "don't have someone" kind of sweeps over me from time to time. And it has been increasing in recent days. I just kind of figured I needed to "get a grip," you know?

So I began to do a little "investigating." And behold, the countdown has begun. What countdown? The countdown toward Marilou's death. What is it about today? Today, two years ago, June 25, 2011, Marilou and I signed the papers to buy the house in Monroe, Washington. At the time, it seemed as if God had put all the pieces together for us to get that house. And He had indeed. There were so many ways we saw the Lords hand in every detail. And it was on this day that the purchase papers were signed. Thus begins the countdown clock.

The next month for us would be packing and preparing to move from our apartment. And it would also begin the fall of the dominoes in rapid succession leading to the end. During the month of July she was packing and working hard, and feeling more and more tired. Dealing with what at the time seemed like a case of reflux. She went to the doctor the first part of July, and he recommended an ultrasound. That happened on July 27th.

It was also three years ago, this July that we took our three week trip to Brazil to pray and seek the face of God. It was that trip that prepared her for what she would face the next year.


So here I am, in this land of firsts, the countdown clock within my spirit has started. Without my really initiating anything, my inner person "knew" that this is that season of the final countdown. I wonder if that is so I can prepare myself for the feelings that will come, or whether "preparing" is not as good as just "letting." Letting the feelings flow as they come, or trying to prepare myself for what I know will be the inevitable depth of feeling that comes with the remembering, the memories, the feelings.

My suspicion is that it will be a little of both, right? Even now, almost two years later, it is hard sometimes to imagine that it all really happened. It all get's jumbled up between reality and memories, and present feelings. But it's another part of this journey through this strange land. Almost a little like Alice in Wonderland, when you are not sure what is real, and what is not.

Each milestone finds me at a little different place. Now is not the gripping, biting, agonizing grief of 21 months ago. It's more subdued... more linked with deeper feelings and memories, but still very real. It's just plain weird. Coming up, two years... hard to imagine... all the changes in my life. All that I miss of what we had. All I can only hold on to in the tenuous grip of memories. But that's all I have  now... memories. And now memories of the countdown of two years ago. House buying, packing and moving, doctors visits, and then gone so suddenly.  Well, I'd better stop now... duties call, and live is waiting....

Thanks for walking with me through this Land of Firsts...

'till next time...

First Thanksgiving in Brazil

First Thanksgiving in Brazil...

    The Land of Firsts is a strange place. Just about the time when you think you’ve got things almost figured out… the Land of Firsts throws you a curve ball.

    Now, you have to understand…this “Region” of the Land of Firsts is packed full of first things. And honestly, there is no way to begin to list all the “Firsts” that I have encountered in this month since I left the USA. Every day is filled with “Firsts”. The “Firsts” of foods, for example.

      About the only thing that is not “new” is rice and beans, and even then it’s prepared differently.  Not a problem, I could eat rice and beans every day and not get tired of it. But there is plenty that is new. And not only that, but now I need to learn how to cook at that new food!!

There was the first time going grocery shopping… how do you know what to buy when you don’t even know what to fix?!

And of course the first week in my new house… still getting settled, finding out what I still need to get for the house… .lot’s of “Firsts.”  The first time to use my new washing machine. First time putting my clothes on the line to dry. Cooking my first meals. The list could go on and on.

    Yet, despite the many “Firsts” and many challenges, I feel very much at home here in this new land. Of course those who know me know that I am LOVING the warm weather. The folks here are complaining because it is so hot, and I’m enjoying it immensely. 

 

    The life and vitality of the people and of the church are infectious, and at each worship service, I feel so much at home. There will be those times when the challenges will be more intense, but there is a peace I have at this point of just being here… feels like home.

Even with the neighbor's rooster crowing in my back yard... 

     Today as I write this, it is Thanksgiving back home. Family and friends are preparing for their Thanksgiving get-togethers. I had thought about trying to make a Thanksgiving dinner here, but the time just did not allow it. So it was nice when I was invited to a neighbor’s house. Actually a couple in the church that live just two doors down from me. They were having a baptism for a woman in the church who has terminal cancer. The doctors have told her there is no cure, no treatment, and they can only help her manage the pain. It was a sweet time as family and friends gathered in the back of the house and the pastor baptized her in a large plastic tub.

    That is when the surprise came. I was overcome with the memories of Marilou’s last days.  It was all I could do to blink away my tears. The peace in this sister's countenance reminded me of the peace that Marilou had in those last few days we had together. I was blind-sided! The nice thing is, I fit right in as everyone else had tear in their eyes as well, but for their friend. I, tears of grief, of remembrance. It was again rather surprising to me… why is it that these times seem to catch me by surprise? Yet each time, the grief just kind of pops in on some situation, and I’m left trying to cover up the best I can. I didn’t want my own tears to be a distraction from what they were sharing together. Leaving and going home to cry would only raise more questions, so I looked into the corner and let the waves of tears pass.

    Then, it was back to trying to understand the conversations, trying to fit in where I could. I sat there enjoying the life, the fellowship they share together… it was life-giving.

    And so, another day in the Land of Firsts. New vocabulary words, new verbs to conjugate, new things to learn. Loving this place I am at right now, and yet reminded every once in a while of how different things are now than they used to be a few short months ago. So very  different. 

  

The Adventure continues…

The Grief Clock keeps good Time...

November 3, 2012 – 

The Grief Clock Keeps Good Time…

This is still the land of firsts… and there are certainly many firsts… to many to name then all here… Let alone the new language, new culture, new city, new family, new foods, a new Brazilian haircut, new words, new friends, new schedule,… I have always been an early morning / early to bed kind of person… well my new schedule is that it is normal at least in the pastor’s household and in this culture to be up at midnight, 1:00am. The difficulty I have is that I wake up with the light, which here is about 4:30am.

And on the list can go… what I  have told Eneas and Simone here is that EVERYTHING they take for granted is NEW to me. From shopping for, preparing, and cooking food, to how to dispense with the toilet paper…  you see, here you don’t flush your toilet paper… you put it in a little canister by the toilet.

Well, in the midst of all of this… the last few days have been more emotional than usual and then I realized that, yes, indeed, the Grief Clock keeps good time. 

 Today is the 14^th month Anniversary of Marilou’s death. In fact, 14 months, and 15 minutes ago, as I am writing this...

Seems hard to  believe… who would have ever imagined even a year ago that I would be moved here and starting a new life in this place. 

Now understand… it’s all good.  I have such assurance that the Lord has lead me here, but there is still that pesky thing of grief to deal with…  that’s one of the few things that I didn’t leave behind in the U.S.  I’m happy with what God is doing, even in this short week since I have been here…

But Grief has to have it’s way, and I know I need to allow it to do it’s work… but right now it’s hard. The other thing that makes it hard, is that I am pretty much alone in my grief. It’s really always been that way… I can share the fact with people, but no one understands… really… unless they have experienced the death of a spouse after such a long time of marriage. And no one around me has experienced that, so I am alone in my grief until it will pass. Until the next time.

It is indeed strange that there can be such a mixture of emotions in one person in one day. We went down to the beach today… some people in the church here have a place near the beach… not the tourist beach… natural beach… beautiful white sand for kilometers up and down the coast. Waves crashing in at the tide was coming in. Amazingly stunning, and I was reminded of Marilou and I at the Beach in Joao Pessoa in 2010,

and then last December bringing her ashes back to that same beach.

So, I write, and don’t try to figure it out, and I let grief have it’s way… knowing that the Grief Clock keeps good time. Maybe next month, I don’t know, but at some unexpected moment the Grief Clock will strike it’s note and remind me of a chapter of  my life that is past, yet now apart. The page has been turned, but the chapter  has been written in permanent ink so that it can be referenced at any time.

Tomorrow?  More firsts… my first “second week” in Brazil.  And more firsts await me in this next chapter of Walking Through the Land of Firsts.

 

Thanks for walking with me this little  way...

‘Till next time….

November 23, 2011Nitty Gritty Reminders

I'm here in Columbus, Ohio with my son, Jonathan, his dear wife Carol, and my mother who flew in from St. Louis. Enjoying having time together... It's a special treat to spend this holiday together.

This is one of those firsts. The first Thanksgiving holiday in Forty Years where Marilou and I are not together. The first Thanksgiving of being a "widower." The first Thanksgiving where I don't have this all to share with her.

And then there were those nitty gritty reminders, like the movie we saw today. It is a good movie. It is "THE WAY by Emilio Estevez. It's about a successful Ophthalmologist whose son dies in a terrible accident in the mountains of France as he was just beginning a pilgrimage on a route from France to Northern Spain. Martin Sheen, as the father, has his sons remains cremated, and decides to finish the pilgrimage his son had started. All along the trek, he has the ashes of his son, and stops at certain points and spreads the ashes, finally ending at the sea, where he empties the plastic bag of ashes into the sea.
There were a couple times I thought of almost walking out.... it was a good movie, I would recommend it, but every time Martin Sheen, as the father, placed or flung those ashes of his son, my mind went to my task now just two weeks away. And imagining how I will feel as I travel to Brazil where Marilou and I spend July of 2010, on prayer mountains in Brazil seeking the presence and face of God. I pictured and wondered how I will feel when I stand on that hill in Sabara, where we pitched that prayer tent and spent two different days on the hill in prayer and worship. How will I feel? How will I do it? I don't have a plan, I'm just going to do it...somehow.  How will it be when I stand on top of that mountain in Algodao de Jandaira, and throw her ashes to the wind in the spot where we stood. The place where in 2008, I was on my knees being prayed for by these dear Brazilian brothers and sisters.
How will I feel when I go to the beach in Joao Pessao and walk on the beach where my camera was drowned and I scatter her ashes to the sea... how will it be?



The nitty gritty reminders are those sand in your teeth kind of real elements of life that remind you that something is different about you now. YOU ARE ALONE.

Yea, I know... I'm not really alone, I have God, I have family. Absolutely, Absolutely!!!! Amen and Amen, ...  BUT.... there is a sense that I am still alone. No one else in that theater knew the stinging pain that was coursing through my body as I watch him scatter his sons ashes into the sea and empty that plastic bag. Only those who even know what that bad of ashes is really like, can relate, or know.

An yes, absolutely, I know that the Lord is with me. As I have written previously, He is so much closer now than ever, very before. Abba and I relate on a whole different level now. It's hard to explain. Even today as I was reading about the Father giving up His Son to bear the crushing weight of our (my) sin, I related to that in a whole new way. Abba, "Daddy" is a lot closer to me, and I to Him. But there are still those little nitty gritty reminders that...with all of this I have.... I still don't have...her...

...Till next time