Showing posts with label milestones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label milestones. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Two Years, and the Journey Continues…



Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

 Today, September 3, 2013 marks the two year anniversary of the home-going of Marilou. I am finding it very difficult to find words to express all of the varied things that are going on inside
As would be expected, the “grief clock” keeps perfect time, and the past week or so has been an ebb and flow of the tides of remembrance. Memories that come like a high tide, and then ebb away, and another washes up on shore.

 
But it is true, at this two year mark things are different. I am not “filled” with grief. I have memories, and some feelings, but they are not overwhelming. Sometimes strong. Last night at my English class, I played for the class the song by Matt Redman, “10,0000 Reasons.” The last stanza says, 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come

As we sang those words, there was the start of a tear in my eyes, but because we were in class, that was quickly controlled. But overall… remembrances…


Now, at the two year mark those remembrances are being tempered with this new life that I am living. New experiences, new friendships, a whole new and different life. So it’s a bit of a strange kind of mixture. The realization that a 40 year season of my life is past. I have many memories… those years shaped who I am, but this new season of my life I am determined to live to the fullest with all the energy and faith that the Lord will grant me. There are new ministries here, new cultures, new challenges and new relationships. 

And so, amazingly enough, the writer of Ecclesiastes was correct when he wrote: 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:

And so, again, I am in this weird place of remembrances of a past season that had it’s time, and a new season that is coming into full bloom.


 The common thread between the two is that in both seasons, my desire is to serve the Lord with all my heart and soul, and strength and mind for the glory of His Name. I don’t always succeed, but it is my all-consuming goal that on that day when I stand before my Lord, I will hear from His own lips, “Well done, Steve!”
 

To that end, I embrace a new season, here in the Land of Firsts.


Thanks for walking along with me….

Until next time…


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Dois anos , ea viagem continua ...

 
Hoje, 03 de setembro de 2013
marca o segundo aniversário da morte de Marilou . Eu estou achando muito difícil encontrar palavras para expressar todas as coisas variadas que estão acontecendo dentroComo seria de esperar , o " relógio pesar " mantém o tempo perfeito, e na semana passada ou assim tem sido um fluxo e refluxo das marés de recordação. As memórias que vêm como uma maré alta, e , em seguida, refluxo de distância, e outro lava -se em terra.

 
Mas é verdade , a estas duas coisas marca do ano são diferentes. Eu não estou "cheio " com tristeza. Tenho lembranças , e alguns sentimentos , mas eles não são esmagadoras. Às vezes forte . Ontem à noite, minha aula de Inglês , eu joguei para a classe a canção de Matt Redman , " 10.0000 razões . " A última estrofe diz:

 
E no dia em que a minha força está falhandoO fim se aproxima ea minha hora chegou

 
Como cantamos essas palavras , houve o início de uma lágrima nos meus olhos , mas porque estávamos em aula, que foi rapidamente controlado . Mas no geral ... lembranças ...

 
Agora , aos dois anos as lembranças estão sendo temperado com esta nova vida que estou vivendo . Novas experiências , novas amizades, uma vida nova e diferente . Por isso, é um pouco de um estranho tipo de mistura . A percepção de que a temporada da minha vida 40 anos é passado. Tenho muitas lembranças ... os anos moldaram quem eu sou , mas esta nova temporada da minha vida eu estou determinado a viver ao máximo com toda a energia e fé de que o Senhor me concede . 
 Há novos ministérios aqui , novas culturas , novos desafios e novos relacionamentos .

 E
assim, surpreendentemente, o escritor de Eclesiastes estava correto quando escreveu:

 
Eclesiastes 3:01 Para tudo há um tempo , um tempo para todo propósito debaixo do céu :E assim , mais uma vez , eu estou neste lugar estranho de lembranças de uma época passada que tinha na hora, e uma nova temporada que está chegando em plena floração.

 
O ponto em comum entre os dois é que, em ambas as estações , o meu desejo é servir ao Senhor com todo o meu coração e alma, mente e força, e para a glória do Seu Nome. Eu nem sempre bem-sucedida, mas é o meu objetivo de todos os consumidores que naquele dia, quando estou diante de meu Senhor , eu vou ouvir de seus próprios lábios : "Bem feito , Steve! "

 
Para esse fim, abraçar uma nova temporada, aqui na Terra de Firsts .

 
Obrigado por caminhar junto comigo ....Até a próxima vez ...

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Clock is Ticking...

It's actually quite amazing... I have mentioned it before, but today, June 25, 2013, my grief clock is ticking away.



It actually started yesterday... this sense of loss, that empty feeling kept coming back. At first it was a bit mysterious. Lately I have been having those increasing feelings of the emptiness inside. A realization that I "don't have someone" kind of sweeps over me from time to time. And it has been increasing in recent days. I just kind of figured I needed to "get a grip," you know?

So I began to do a little "investigating." And behold, the countdown has begun. What countdown? The countdown toward Marilou's death. What is it about today? Today, two years ago, June 25, 2011, Marilou and I signed the papers to buy the house in Monroe, Washington. At the time, it seemed as if God had put all the pieces together for us to get that house. And He had indeed. There were so many ways we saw the Lords hand in every detail. And it was on this day that the purchase papers were signed. Thus begins the countdown clock.



The next month for us would be packing and preparing to move from our apartment. And it would also begin the fall of the dominoes in rapid succession leading to the end. During the month of July she was packing and working hard, and feeling more and more tired. Dealing with what at the time seemed like a case of reflux. She went to the doctor the first part of July, and he recommended an ultrasound. That happened on July 27th.

It was also three years ago, this July that we took our three week trip to Brazil to pray and seek the face of God. It was that trip that prepared her for what she would face the next year.


So here I am, in this land of firsts, the countdown clock within my spirit has started. Without my really initiating anything, my inner person "knew" that this is that season of the final countdown. I wonder if that is so I can prepare myself for the feelings that will come, or whether "preparing" is not as good as just "letting." Letting the feelings flow as they come, or trying to prepare myself for what I know will be the inevitable depth of feeling that comes with the remembering, the memories, the feelings.

My suspicion is that it will be a little of both, right? Even now, almost two years later, it is hard sometimes to imagine that it all really happened. It all get's jumbled up between reality and memories, and present feelings. But it's another part of this journey through this strange land. Almost a little like Alice in Wonderland, when you are not sure what is real, and what is not.

Each milestone finds me at a little different place. Now is not the gripping, biting, agonizing grief of 21 months ago. It's more subdued... more linked with deeper feelings and memories, but still very real. It's just plain weird. Coming up, two years... hard to imagine... all the changes in my life. All that I miss of what we had. All I can only hold on to in the tenuous grip of memories. But that's all I have  now... memories. And now memories of the countdown of two years ago. House buying, packing and moving, doctors visits, and then gone so suddenly.  Well, I'd better stop now... duties call, and live is waiting....



Thanks for walking with me through this Land of Firsts...

'till next time...

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

More Firsts and Other Mileposts...

Part of learning to walk through the Land of Firsts, is discovering the fact that there will always be Firsts before you... things that are new for you in this Land.

And there are other milestones that you encounter along the way that you learn how to recognize and move on. All a part of the Adventure!

This year I had a new First... my first birthday in Brazil... and my first ever birthday party on the beach!  How great is that!?

That night at church was also a special time when they recognized my birthday with some special gifts and presentations... it was special and humbling.
I am surrounded by people who accept and love me, and I live in a place that is beautiful. The Lord is good, and I am reminded many times how blessed I am to be here. This season of my life is one that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams.

Another first... In April we completed our first ever "Missions" trip to the USA, telling the story of the transformation of Algodao de Jandairea. I considered it a part of the ministry of Your Servant in Christ Ministries to share the story and inspire other communities with the message of transforming revival. Bishops Eneas and Simone from First Baptist Church, Valentine went with me and the Lord blessed in many ways.

 They had a little taste of American church life and American culture and food. They also had a little taste of my world trying to fit in, and understand in the midst of learning a new language.(Nice contrast between the beach and the snow, eh?)

Another First... a first for my whole life of 65 years,,, after much prayer, introspection and counsel, I had to break off a relationship that just was not right for me in this time. It was difficult and the first time ever I have had to do that. There were a lot of things that went into that decision, but much of it had to do with being self-aware of who I am and where I am on this journey ata this time. It was not easy, but it was necessary.
I have much healing to do yet. As I was reflecting, I realized in a fresh way that in the 20 months since Marilou passed away, I have not really had a lot of time to discover ... "Who AM I?"  Immediately after Marilou passed, I began to work hard to finish my book so that I could bring it down to Brazil in December. The whole year of 2012 was a blur of preparing to move here to Brazil... selling my (our) possessions, applying for the Visa, so many arrangements, then moving here in October of 2012, and since then the huge job of language study and cultural adaptation. I had tears in my eyes as I realized how precious little time I  have had to just try to figure out who I am now in this Land of Firsts. I need time.

Not only are there Firsts here in this Land, but there are Milestones that I pass along the way. May 20th would have been Marilou and my 41st  Wedding Anniversary. Again, I was struck by how much of my life was lived with and affected by this one person. The vast majority of my life has been touched and shaped by that relationship... now I am "on my own" and trying to discover in a different way who I am. A journey of self-discovery at age 65.... you have to smile!!

And so, walking through this Land of Firsts is never really finished, is it? New challenges, New experiences, Milestones along the way all make the Adventure one that necessitates my being in tune with the Lord, listening to Him, being aware, and obedient. And knowing that He is always faithful.

Hey... It's an Adventure after all!!

Thanks for walking along for a while...

'till next time...