Unknown Territory...
Christmas 2015... There is not a lot I am able to say about my situation at this point. But simply to say that in all my life, I never thought I would find myself in this place. Another vast field of "unknownness" in this Land of Firsts.
There are those times that I look in the mirror and say' "What the heck happened? What happened to my life? How did this happen to me?"
Then...
There are those precious times when the Lord draws near and reminds me of not only His presence, but His sufficiency in every need. I have come to say often during this time; "Lord, You're all I need, and everything I need is found in You." Loss, again, not pursued, not desired, not understood, yet loss never the less wants to steal from us. Only a trust in the goodness of God is enough to see one through.
So now, as I deal with another Christmas from a place of loss, the Lord has challenged me in so many ways... in the areas of Reforming, Restoring, and Rebuilding. Learning to make a new life again.
There are still those times when the tears fall un-beckoned, yet coming from some well deep within...tears of loss, tears of sadness, tears of grief.
Yet this truth remains... I have not slipped out of God's hands. He holds me securely, lovingly, knowingly wth a vision to a future. So He and I walk one step at a time...
through this Land of Firsts.... how vast this land is....
'till next time....
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
The First's Continue
The First’s
Continue
The Land of First’s is a large territory, always filled with
new adventures, new challenges, and new blessings… if we will have the heart
and eyes to see them.
I did not choose to come to this Land of First’s. I was
thrust into this land by circumstances not of my choosing. Of late I have not
written much about this Land of First’s because I have been engulfed with so
many new challenges and blessings in this Land.
My adventure in this Land of First’s began with the death of
my wife, Marilou in September of 2011. The challenges were many and immense. In
October of 2012, I moved to Joao Pessoa, Brazil. Talk about a Land of First’s!
EVERYTHING was a first. Culture, food, language, people, church, way of life.
When I arrived, I told the folks here; “everything you don’t even think about,
is new to me.”
The church here welcomed me as best they knew how, but they
had never brought a missionary here before, and there were many times of severe
isolation and loneliness. No transportation, not knowing the language enough to
communicate effectively, no one who was a real friend who I could confide in.
This Land of First’s was overwhelming in many ways.
But God is always faithful. Over and over again, He
reassured me with the call He had put on my life when He called me here. That
call from Psalm 71: 17-21: O God,
you have taught me from my earliest childhood, and I constantly tell others
about the wonderful things you do. Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon
me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty
miracles to all who come after me. Your righteousness, O God, reaches to
the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. Who can compare with
you, O God? You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will
restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will
restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.
And again, the word from Joshua 22:5 from The Message
version: Only this: Be vigilant in keeping the Commandment and The
Revelation that Moses the servant of GOD
laid on you: Love GOD, your God,
walk in all his ways, do what he's commanded, embrace him, serve him with
everything you are and have."
At times, people from the church would bring these verses to
me not knowing how God had already used them in my life.
In July of 2013, I encountered another First in this Land, a
growing relationship with a young woman in the church. Crizelania Pereira
became more than just a friend. And even this relationship would be tested.
The 29th of October, 2013, I was returning home from her
house, riding my bicycle, when I was struck by a motorcycle. A hit and run.
Crizelania was at the scene almost immediately to be by my side. Another first…
a severely fractured tibia. I had never had a broken bone in my life, now at
age 65, I had a broken tibia, and was heading to the trauma hospital.
This too
was full of Firsts!! The setting of the leg… I experienced pain like I had
never experienced before. I’m afraid my screams filled the halls of the
hospital that afternoon. I waited one week before having surgery to repair my
leg. From what I was told, that was a miracle, because many people wait months
for surgery. The doctor told Criz that because of my age and the severity of
the fracture, he was not sure I would walk normally again. During the next
three months, Criz, and members of the church, mostly the youth cared for me as
I was confined to bed, or after a time the bed and a wheelchair. Criz gave up
her occupation as a seamstress to oversee my care. It was an act of love that
can never be repaid.
Each day I prayed and asked the Lord to knit together my leg
in the same way he knit me together the first time in my mother’s womb, Psalm
139:15. Many were amazed at how well and how quickly my leg healed, and by
February, the doctor released me to be able to walk the isle for our wedding on
Valentine’s Day, February 14th.
The Land of First’s continues to expand before me and
challenge me and bless me. New horizons, new challenges of learning to be a
multi-lingual, multi-cultural family, the blessings of one another, and finding
the blessings of being a new family.
It is actually quite amazing how large is this Land of First’s. And how diverse is this Land of First’s.
Challenges, and blessings, difficulties and blessings all First’s in my life. I
continue to walk day by day in this Land, never quite knowing what the next “First”
will be.
‘Till next time…
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Two Years, and the Journey Continues…
Two Years,
and the Journey Continues…
Today, September 3, 2013 marks the two year anniversary of
the home-going of Marilou. I am finding it very difficult to find words to
express all of the varied things that are going on inside
As would be expected, the “grief clock” keeps perfect time,
and the past week or so has been an ebb and flow of the tides of remembrance. Memories
that come like a high tide, and then ebb away, and another washes up on shore.
But it is true, at this two year mark things are different.
I am not “filled” with grief. I have memories, and some feelings, but they are
not overwhelming. Sometimes strong. Last night at my English class, I played
for the class the song by Matt Redman, “10,0000 Reasons.” The last stanza says,
And on that day when my
strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
The end draws near and my time has come
As
we sang those words, there was the start of a tear in my eyes, but because we were
in class, that was quickly controlled. But overall… remembrances…
Now,
at the two year mark those remembrances are being tempered with this new life
that I am living. New experiences, new friendships, a whole new and different
life. So it’s a bit of a strange kind of mixture. The realization that a 40 year
season of my life is past. I have many memories… those years shaped who I am,
but this new season of my life I am determined to live to the fullest with all
the energy and faith that the Lord will grant me. There are new ministries
here, new cultures, new challenges and new relationships.
And
so, amazingly enough, the writer of Ecclesiastes was correct when he wrote:
Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, A time for every
purpose under heaven:
And
so, again, I am in this weird place of remembrances of a past season that had
it’s time, and a new season that is coming into full bloom.
The
common thread between the two is that in both seasons, my desire is to serve
the Lord with all my heart and soul, and strength and mind for the glory of His
Name. I don’t always succeed, but it is my all-consuming goal that on that day
when I stand before my Lord, I will hear from His own lips, “Well done, Steve!”
To that end, I embrace a new season, here in the Land of Firsts.
Thanks
for walking along with me….
Until
next time…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dois anos , ea viagem continua ...
Hoje, 03 de setembro de 2013 marca o segundo aniversário da morte de Marilou . Eu estou achando muito difícil encontrar palavras para expressar todas as coisas variadas que estão acontecendo dentroComo seria de esperar , o " relógio pesar " mantém o tempo perfeito, e na semana passada ou assim tem sido um fluxo e refluxo das marés de recordação. As memórias que vêm como uma maré alta, e , em seguida, refluxo de distância, e outro lava -se em terra.
Mas é verdade , a estas duas coisas marca do ano são diferentes. Eu não estou "cheio " com tristeza. Tenho lembranças , e alguns sentimentos , mas eles não são esmagadoras. Às vezes forte . Ontem à noite, minha aula de Inglês , eu joguei para a classe a canção de Matt Redman , " 10.0000 razões . " A última estrofe diz:
E no dia em que a minha força está falhandoO fim se aproxima ea minha hora chegou
Como cantamos essas palavras , houve o início de uma lágrima nos meus olhos , mas porque estávamos em aula, que foi rapidamente controlado . Mas no geral ... lembranças ...
Agora , aos dois anos as lembranças estão sendo temperado com esta nova vida que estou vivendo . Novas experiências , novas amizades, uma vida nova e diferente . Por isso, é um pouco de um estranho tipo de mistura . A percepção de que a temporada da minha vida 40 anos é passado. Tenho muitas lembranças ... os anos moldaram quem eu sou , mas esta nova temporada da minha vida eu estou determinado a viver ao máximo com toda a energia e fé de que o Senhor me concede .
Hoje, 03 de setembro de 2013 marca o segundo aniversário da morte de Marilou . Eu estou achando muito difícil encontrar palavras para expressar todas as coisas variadas que estão acontecendo dentroComo seria de esperar , o " relógio pesar " mantém o tempo perfeito, e na semana passada ou assim tem sido um fluxo e refluxo das marés de recordação. As memórias que vêm como uma maré alta, e , em seguida, refluxo de distância, e outro lava -se em terra.
Mas é verdade , a estas duas coisas marca do ano são diferentes. Eu não estou "cheio " com tristeza. Tenho lembranças , e alguns sentimentos , mas eles não são esmagadoras. Às vezes forte . Ontem à noite, minha aula de Inglês , eu joguei para a classe a canção de Matt Redman , " 10.0000 razões . " A última estrofe diz:
E no dia em que a minha força está falhandoO fim se aproxima ea minha hora chegou
Como cantamos essas palavras , houve o início de uma lágrima nos meus olhos , mas porque estávamos em aula, que foi rapidamente controlado . Mas no geral ... lembranças ...
Agora , aos dois anos as lembranças estão sendo temperado com esta nova vida que estou vivendo . Novas experiências , novas amizades, uma vida nova e diferente . Por isso, é um pouco de um estranho tipo de mistura . A percepção de que a temporada da minha vida 40 anos é passado. Tenho muitas lembranças ... os anos moldaram quem eu sou , mas esta nova temporada da minha vida eu estou determinado a viver ao máximo com toda a energia e fé de que o Senhor me concede .
Há novos ministérios aqui , novas culturas , novos desafios e novos relacionamentos .
E assim, surpreendentemente, o escritor de Eclesiastes estava correto quando escreveu:
Eclesiastes 3:01 Para tudo há um tempo , um tempo para todo propósito debaixo do céu :E assim , mais uma vez , eu estou neste lugar estranho de lembranças de uma época passada que tinha na hora, e uma nova temporada que está chegando em plena floração.
O ponto em comum entre os dois é que, em ambas as estações , o meu desejo é servir ao Senhor com todo o meu coração e alma, mente e força, e para a glória do Seu Nome. Eu nem sempre bem-sucedida, mas é o meu objetivo de todos os consumidores que naquele dia, quando estou diante de meu Senhor , eu vou ouvir de seus próprios lábios : "Bem feito , Steve! "
Para esse fim, abraçar uma nova temporada, aqui na Terra de Firsts .
Obrigado por caminhar junto comigo ....Até a próxima vez ...
E assim, surpreendentemente, o escritor de Eclesiastes estava correto quando escreveu:
Eclesiastes 3:01 Para tudo há um tempo , um tempo para todo propósito debaixo do céu :E assim , mais uma vez , eu estou neste lugar estranho de lembranças de uma época passada que tinha na hora, e uma nova temporada que está chegando em plena floração.
O ponto em comum entre os dois é que, em ambas as estações , o meu desejo é servir ao Senhor com todo o meu coração e alma, mente e força, e para a glória do Seu Nome. Eu nem sempre bem-sucedida, mas é o meu objetivo de todos os consumidores que naquele dia, quando estou diante de meu Senhor , eu vou ouvir de seus próprios lábios : "Bem feito , Steve! "
Para esse fim, abraçar uma nova temporada, aqui na Terra de Firsts .
Obrigado por caminhar junto comigo ....Até a próxima vez ...
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Signposts of Time...
We are familiar with the phrase, "Time marches on" for indeed time continues to proceed through all our various experiences of life... even here in the Land of Firsts.
Today I am struck by the interesting way God has of making signposts for us along the way. In the Old Testament, God gave the Israelites feasts and festivals to commemorate certain events and special times in their corporate lives. The Feast of Passover to remember when God passed over those who had obeyed and sprinkled the blood on the door posts, for example. These are meant to remind us of the faithfulness of God in our lives, so that we never forget His goodness, and so that as we march into the future, we remember that He is good, all the time.
Sometimes those signposts have an interesting way of lining up. I am reminded of that today, July 30th.
Two years ago today, Marilou and I rented a truck, recruited a noble band of volunteers and spent the day loading a moving truck to take our furniture and belongings from an apartment to our new house in Monroe, Washington. That morning, while we were loading the truck,
Marilou went to the doctor to have a further blood test done, then came back and helped us move. That night, July 30th was our first night in our new home. So beautiful and so peaceful. Just 35 days later, she would leave that house, and her earthly body for her eternal home with Jesus. I have often explained that even though our time in that house was so short, it was all for her. To give her a peaceful, comfortable environment for her last month on this earth.
But you see, time marches on, and God gives us signposts along the way. It was one year ago today that I was in San Francisco, California at the Brazilian Consulate to present my application for a Missionary Visa to Brazil. Most of the month of 2012 had been spent in preparation for this day.
I had been told that the process would take a long time.
Yet, when I sat there at the window, the gal took my paperwork, went to the back for about five minutes, returned to the window and told me I should have my visa within ten days!! I received it on the ninth day!
Today, July 30th I am here in Brazil as Pastor of Intercession at First Baptist Church in Valentina, Joao Pessoa, Brazil, and I have a very good friend who is having an interview with Bishop Simone of the church which could have major implications for my life here.
The Signposts of Time. God gives us these remembrances to help us never to forget that He is good, and He is faithful. Some of the events we remember carry with them painful memories. Other events are full of praise and rejoicing, and hope. but with everyone of these signposts, we have the opportunity to remember not just the event of the past, but the God who promises us that He will never leave us for forsake us. That even through the vally of the shadow of death, He is with us, He carries us, He guides us, He covers us. And He promises us a future that is full of hope as we trust in Him.
Today, whatever you may be facing... you can trust in God. Today, perhaps, He is making for you a Signpost of Time for you to remember in the years ahead.
That's is from here in the Land of Firsts.... 'till next time...
Today I am struck by the interesting way God has of making signposts for us along the way. In the Old Testament, God gave the Israelites feasts and festivals to commemorate certain events and special times in their corporate lives. The Feast of Passover to remember when God passed over those who had obeyed and sprinkled the blood on the door posts, for example. These are meant to remind us of the faithfulness of God in our lives, so that we never forget His goodness, and so that as we march into the future, we remember that He is good, all the time.
Sometimes those signposts have an interesting way of lining up. I am reminded of that today, July 30th.
Two years ago today, Marilou and I rented a truck, recruited a noble band of volunteers and spent the day loading a moving truck to take our furniture and belongings from an apartment to our new house in Monroe, Washington. That morning, while we were loading the truck,
Marilou went to the doctor to have a further blood test done, then came back and helped us move. That night, July 30th was our first night in our new home. So beautiful and so peaceful. Just 35 days later, she would leave that house, and her earthly body for her eternal home with Jesus. I have often explained that even though our time in that house was so short, it was all for her. To give her a peaceful, comfortable environment for her last month on this earth.
But you see, time marches on, and God gives us signposts along the way. It was one year ago today that I was in San Francisco, California at the Brazilian Consulate to present my application for a Missionary Visa to Brazil. Most of the month of 2012 had been spent in preparation for this day.
I had been told that the process would take a long time.
Yet, when I sat there at the window, the gal took my paperwork, went to the back for about five minutes, returned to the window and told me I should have my visa within ten days!! I received it on the ninth day!
Today, July 30th I am here in Brazil as Pastor of Intercession at First Baptist Church in Valentina, Joao Pessoa, Brazil, and I have a very good friend who is having an interview with Bishop Simone of the church which could have major implications for my life here.
The Signposts of Time. God gives us these remembrances to help us never to forget that He is good, and He is faithful. Some of the events we remember carry with them painful memories. Other events are full of praise and rejoicing, and hope. but with everyone of these signposts, we have the opportunity to remember not just the event of the past, but the God who promises us that He will never leave us for forsake us. That even through the vally of the shadow of death, He is with us, He carries us, He guides us, He covers us. And He promises us a future that is full of hope as we trust in Him.
Today, whatever you may be facing... you can trust in God. Today, perhaps, He is making for you a Signpost of Time for you to remember in the years ahead.
That's is from here in the Land of Firsts.... 'till next time...
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
The Clock is Ticking...
It's actually quite amazing... I have mentioned it before, but today, June 25, 2013, my grief clock is ticking away.
It actually started yesterday... this sense of loss, that empty feeling kept coming back. At first it was a bit mysterious. Lately I have been having those increasing feelings of the emptiness inside. A realization that I "don't have someone" kind of sweeps over me from time to time. And it has been increasing in recent days. I just kind of figured I needed to "get a grip," you know?
So I began to do a little "investigating." And behold, the countdown has begun. What countdown? The countdown toward Marilou's death. What is it about today? Today, two years ago, June 25, 2011, Marilou and I signed the papers to buy the house in Monroe, Washington. At the time, it seemed as if God had put all the pieces together for us to get that house. And He had indeed. There were so many ways we saw the Lords hand in every detail. And it was on this day that the purchase papers were signed. Thus begins the countdown clock.
The next month for us would be packing and preparing to move from our apartment. And it would also begin the fall of the dominoes in rapid succession leading to the end. During the month of July she was packing and working hard, and feeling more and more tired. Dealing with what at the time seemed like a case of reflux. She went to the doctor the first part of July, and he recommended an ultrasound. That happened on July 27th.
It was also three years ago, this July that we took our three week trip to Brazil to pray and seek the face of God. It was that trip that prepared her for what she would face the next year.
So here I am, in this land of firsts, the countdown clock within my spirit has started. Without my really initiating anything, my inner person "knew" that this is that season of the final countdown. I wonder if that is so I can prepare myself for the feelings that will come, or whether "preparing" is not as good as just "letting." Letting the feelings flow as they come, or trying to prepare myself for what I know will be the inevitable depth of feeling that comes with the remembering, the memories, the feelings.
My suspicion is that it will be a little of both, right? Even now, almost two years later, it is hard sometimes to imagine that it all really happened. It all get's jumbled up between reality and memories, and present feelings. But it's another part of this journey through this strange land. Almost a little like Alice in Wonderland, when you are not sure what is real, and what is not.
Each milestone finds me at a little different place. Now is not the gripping, biting, agonizing grief of 21 months ago. It's more subdued... more linked with deeper feelings and memories, but still very real. It's just plain weird. Coming up, two years... hard to imagine... all the changes in my life. All that I miss of what we had. All I can only hold on to in the tenuous grip of memories. But that's all I have now... memories. And now memories of the countdown of two years ago. House buying, packing and moving, doctors visits, and then gone so suddenly. Well, I'd better stop now... duties call, and live is waiting....
Thanks for walking with me through this Land of Firsts...
'till next time...
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
More Firsts and Other Mileposts...
Part of learning to walk through the Land of Firsts, is discovering the fact that there will always be Firsts before you... things that are new for you in this Land.
And there are other milestones that you encounter along the way that you learn how to recognize and move on. All a part of the Adventure!
This year I had a new First... my first birthday in Brazil... and my first ever birthday party on the beach! How great is that!?
That night at church was also a special time when they recognized my birthday with some special gifts and presentations... it was special and humbling.
I am surrounded by people who accept and love me, and I live in a place that is beautiful. The Lord is good, and I am reminded many times how blessed I am to be here. This season of my life is one that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams.
Another first... In April we completed our first ever "Missions" trip to the USA, telling the story of the transformation of Algodao de Jandairea. I considered it a part of the ministry of Your Servant in Christ Ministries to share the story and inspire other communities with the message of transforming revival. Bishops Eneas and Simone from First Baptist Church, Valentine went with me and the Lord blessed in many ways.
They had a little taste of American church life and American culture and food. They also had a little taste of my world trying to fit in, and understand in the midst of learning a new language.(Nice contrast between the beach and the snow, eh?)
Another First... a first for my whole life of 65 years,,, after much prayer, introspection and counsel, I had to break off a relationship that just was not right for me in this time. It was difficult and the first time ever I have had to do that. There were a lot of things that went into that decision, but much of it had to do with being self-aware of who I am and where I am on this journey ata this time. It was not easy, but it was necessary.
I have much healing to do yet. As I was reflecting, I realized in a fresh way that in the 20 months since Marilou passed away, I have not really had a lot of time to discover ... "Who AM I?" Immediately after Marilou passed, I began to work hard to finish my book so that I could bring it down to Brazil in December. The whole year of 2012 was a blur of preparing to move here to Brazil... selling my (our) possessions, applying for the Visa, so many arrangements, then moving here in October of 2012, and since then the huge job of language study and cultural adaptation. I had tears in my eyes as I realized how precious little time I have had to just try to figure out who I am now in this Land of Firsts. I need time.
Not only are there Firsts here in this Land, but there are Milestones that I pass along the way. May 20th would have been Marilou and my 41st Wedding Anniversary. Again, I was struck by how much of my life was lived with and affected by this one person. The vast majority of my life has been touched and shaped by that relationship... now I am "on my own" and trying to discover in a different way who I am. A journey of self-discovery at age 65.... you have to smile!!
And so, walking through this Land of Firsts is never really finished, is it? New challenges, New experiences, Milestones along the way all make the Adventure one that necessitates my being in tune with the Lord, listening to Him, being aware, and obedient. And knowing that He is always faithful.
'till next time...
And there are other milestones that you encounter along the way that you learn how to recognize and move on. All a part of the Adventure!
This year I had a new First... my first birthday in Brazil... and my first ever birthday party on the beach! How great is that!?
That night at church was also a special time when they recognized my birthday with some special gifts and presentations... it was special and humbling.
I am surrounded by people who accept and love me, and I live in a place that is beautiful. The Lord is good, and I am reminded many times how blessed I am to be here. This season of my life is one that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams.
Another first... In April we completed our first ever "Missions" trip to the USA, telling the story of the transformation of Algodao de Jandairea. I considered it a part of the ministry of Your Servant in Christ Ministries to share the story and inspire other communities with the message of transforming revival. Bishops Eneas and Simone from First Baptist Church, Valentine went with me and the Lord blessed in many ways.
Another First... a first for my whole life of 65 years,,, after much prayer, introspection and counsel, I had to break off a relationship that just was not right for me in this time. It was difficult and the first time ever I have had to do that. There were a lot of things that went into that decision, but much of it had to do with being self-aware of who I am and where I am on this journey ata this time. It was not easy, but it was necessary.
I have much healing to do yet. As I was reflecting, I realized in a fresh way that in the 20 months since Marilou passed away, I have not really had a lot of time to discover ... "Who AM I?" Immediately after Marilou passed, I began to work hard to finish my book so that I could bring it down to Brazil in December. The whole year of 2012 was a blur of preparing to move here to Brazil... selling my (our) possessions, applying for the Visa, so many arrangements, then moving here in October of 2012, and since then the huge job of language study and cultural adaptation. I had tears in my eyes as I realized how precious little time I have had to just try to figure out who I am now in this Land of Firsts. I need time.
Not only are there Firsts here in this Land, but there are Milestones that I pass along the way. May 20th would have been Marilou and my 41st Wedding Anniversary. Again, I was struck by how much of my life was lived with and affected by this one person. The vast majority of my life has been touched and shaped by that relationship... now I am "on my own" and trying to discover in a different way who I am. A journey of self-discovery at age 65.... you have to smile!!
And so, walking through this Land of Firsts is never really finished, is it? New challenges, New experiences, Milestones along the way all make the Adventure one that necessitates my being in tune with the Lord, listening to Him, being aware, and obedient. And knowing that He is always faithful.
Hey... It's an Adventure after all!!
Thanks for walking along for a while...'till next time...
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