In The Cocoon...

In The Cocoon.

I was struggling to figure out a "Title" for this entry... and nothing seemed to fit.
I have been reading and studying today from Isaiah 35: 3-4 -

Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful-hearted, "Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you.

Today was another one of those days when unexpected feelings come flooding over me. I was looking through the myriads of pictures that I have stored on a couple different hard drives, thinking that I should try to organize all these pictures, but wondering how I will find time for that massive task.

But as I was looking at pictures from the past decades, it struck me again, as it has in past days, that all that is gone...
My life as I knew it... gone.
My wife of nearly 40 years... gone.
My possessions... all but a very few here... gone.
The things that I used to be comfortable with ... gone.
My sense of security ... gone.
And the list could go on...

The picture that has come to me over and over again in these past weeks has been that of the caterpillar in the cocoon. That caterpillar attaches itself to a twig, spins the cocoon, and thin inside that cocoon, everything that was the caterpillar dissolves. Nothing of the former life is recognizable. I feel like I am that caterpillar in the cocoon. The only difference is, that I don't imagine the caterpillar has any consciousness of the changes that are happening. (I don't know, I'm just guessing here...) but I am fully conscious of all from my former life that has dissolved before my eyes. And I am still in the place where the butterfly hasn't developed enough to recognize that there is an end to this... a beautiful end. I am still in the cocoon. All seems to be a dissolved mess...

There are a ton of factors that go into feeling this way... language issues...which gets into the whole communications / or lack thereof... lifestyle/cultural issues... what I call being in a continuous state of uncertainty... never being certain if what you think you know/understand/heard is REALLY true or not. Limitations that were once only inconveniences are now continuous. The last time I drove a car was October  25th  2012... unheard of before this. And there is still the issue of living with "resident grief." Grief over the loss of Marilou, grief over the "loss" of a life we once had, grief over a season of my life that is past. I miss her, all those things...

BUT...

The Lord says... strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble knees... why? Because the Lord will come.. open the eyes, make streams in the desert, the ransomed of the Lord will return with singing...

Now, don't get me wrong... all of the above is mixed with the love and acceptance of my new friends and family here in Brazil. I am continually reminded of how blessed I am to be here. It's that mixture again, of all these ingredients together. So as I walk through this Land of Firsts... I'm hacking my way through some pretty dense jungle right now.. never been this way before... I'm having to hack my way to make a new trail... but I know that somewhere ahead of me is a good place. I'm marching ahead because I believe the Lord has more for me in the future. He will be faithful to His promises.

In the few short weeks I have been here... 12 now... He has shown me amazing grace and blessing and I know He will fulfill the last part of His promise to me from Psalm 71: 20-21 ...

You,...shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side

I know I am not where I will be...  I know He is forming me and making me new...the process is not easy...

I may be in the cocoon, but the butterfly is coming!!!

'till next time...

em Português ....

No casulo.

Eu estava lutando para descobrir um "título" para esta entrada ... e nada parecia se encaixar.Tenho estado a ler e estudar hoje de Isaías 35: 3-4 -


Fortalecei as mãos fracas, e firmar os joelhos vacilantes. Dizer para aqueles que estão com medo de coração, "Seja forte, não temo Eis o vosso Deus virá com vingança, com recompensa de Deus;! Ele virá e vos salvará.


Hoje foi mais um daqueles dias em que sentimentos inesperados vêm inundando sobre mim. Eu estava olhando através das miríades de fotos que eu tenha armazenado em um par de diferentes discos rígidos, pensando que eu deveria tentar organizar todas essas imagens, mas querendo saber como vou encontrar tempo para essa tarefa enorme.Mas como eu estava olhando fotos das últimas décadas, ocorreu-me outra vez, como tem acontecido nos últimos dias, 

que tudo o que se -  foi ...

Minha vida como eu sabia que ... foi.

Minha esposa de quase 40 anos ... foi.

Meus bens ... todos, mas muito poucos aqui ... foi.

As coisas que eu costumava estar confortável com ... foi.

Meu senso de segurança ... foi.

E a lista poderia continuar ...


A imagem que me veio uma e outra vez nestas últimas semanas tem sido a da lagarta no casulo. Lagarta que se anexa a um galho, gira o casulo, e dentro fina que casulo, tudo o que era a lagarta se dissolve. Nada da vida anterior é reconhecível. Eu sinto que eu sou o que lagarta no casulo. A única diferença é que eu não imagino a lagarta tem qualquer consciência das mudanças que estão acontecendo. (Eu não sei, eu só estou supondo aqui ...), mas estou plenamente consciente de tudo da minha vida anterior que se dissolveu diante dos meus olhos. E eu ainda estou no lugar onde a borboleta não se desenvolveu o suficiente para reconhecer que há um fim para isso ... um belo fim. Eu ainda estou no casulo. Tudo parece ser uma bagunça dissolvido 


...Há uma tonelada de fatores que vão para se sentir assim ... questões linguísticas ... que fica nas comunicações inteiros / ou a falta dela ... estilo de vida / questões culturais ... o que eu chamo de estar em um estado contínuo de incerteza ... nunca estar certo se o que você acha que sabe / entender / ouvido é realmente verdade ou não. Limitações que antes eram apenas inconvenientes são agora contínuo. A última vez que eu dirigi um carro era 25 de outubro de 2012 ... inédito antes. E ainda há a questão de viver com "tristeza residente." Luto pela perda de Marilou, dor durante a "perda" de uma vida que já tivemos, dor durante uma época de minha vida que é passado. Eu sinto falta dela, todas essas coisas ...

MAS ...

O Senhor diz: ... Fortalecei as mãos fracas e firmar os joelhos vacilantes ... por quê? 

Porque o Senhor virá .. abrir os olhos, fazer correntes no deserto, os resgatados do Senhor voltará com cânticos ...

Agora, não me leve a mal ... todos os itens acima é misturado com o amor ea aceitação dos meus novos amigos e família aqui no Brasil. Estou continuamente lembrado de como era abençoada por estar aqui. É essa mistura de novo, de todos esses ingredientes juntos. 

Então, como eu andar por esta Terra de Estreias ... Eu estou cortando meu caminho através de alguma selva muito densa agora .. nunca foi assim antes ... Eu estou tendo que cortar o meu caminho para fazer um novo caminho ... mas eu sei que em algum lugar antes de mim é um bom lugar. Estou marchando à frente, porque eu creio que o Senhor tem mais para mim no futuro. 

Ele será fiel às Suas promessas.Nas poucas semanas que estou aqui ... 12 agora ... Ele mostrou-me maravilhosa graça e bênção e sei que Ele vai cumprir a última parte de sua promessa de me do Salmo 71: 20-21 ...

Você, ... deve me reviver novamente, e me trazer de novo a partir das profundezas da terra. Você deve aumentar a minha grandeza, conforta-me de todos os lados

Eu sei que não estou onde será ... Eu sei que Ele está se formando me e fazendo-me novo ... o processo não é fácil ...Posso estar no casulo,

 mas a borboleta está chegando!'

Até a próxima vez.

First Thanksgiving in Brazil

First Thanksgiving in Brazil...

    The Land of Firsts is a strange place. Just about the time when you think you’ve got things almost figured out… the Land of Firsts throws you a curve ball.

    Now, you have to understand…this “Region” of the Land of Firsts is packed full of first things. And honestly, there is no way to begin to list all the “Firsts” that I have encountered in this month since I left the USA. Every day is filled with “Firsts”. The “Firsts” of foods, for example.

      About the only thing that is not “new” is rice and beans, and even then it’s prepared differently.  Not a problem, I could eat rice and beans every day and not get tired of it. But there is plenty that is new. And not only that, but now I need to learn how to cook at that new food!!

There was the first time going grocery shopping… how do you know what to buy when you don’t even know what to fix?!

And of course the first week in my new house… still getting settled, finding out what I still need to get for the house… .lot’s of “Firsts.”  The first time to use my new washing machine. First time putting my clothes on the line to dry. Cooking my first meals. The list could go on and on.

    Yet, despite the many “Firsts” and many challenges, I feel very much at home here in this new land. Of course those who know me know that I am LOVING the warm weather. The folks here are complaining because it is so hot, and I’m enjoying it immensely. 

 

    The life and vitality of the people and of the church are infectious, and at each worship service, I feel so much at home. There will be those times when the challenges will be more intense, but there is a peace I have at this point of just being here… feels like home.

Even with the neighbor's rooster crowing in my back yard... 

     Today as I write this, it is Thanksgiving back home. Family and friends are preparing for their Thanksgiving get-togethers. I had thought about trying to make a Thanksgiving dinner here, but the time just did not allow it. So it was nice when I was invited to a neighbor’s house. Actually a couple in the church that live just two doors down from me. They were having a baptism for a woman in the church who has terminal cancer. The doctors have told her there is no cure, no treatment, and they can only help her manage the pain. It was a sweet time as family and friends gathered in the back of the house and the pastor baptized her in a large plastic tub.

    That is when the surprise came. I was overcome with the memories of Marilou’s last days.  It was all I could do to blink away my tears. The peace in this sister's countenance reminded me of the peace that Marilou had in those last few days we had together. I was blind-sided! The nice thing is, I fit right in as everyone else had tear in their eyes as well, but for their friend. I, tears of grief, of remembrance. It was again rather surprising to me… why is it that these times seem to catch me by surprise? Yet each time, the grief just kind of pops in on some situation, and I’m left trying to cover up the best I can. I didn’t want my own tears to be a distraction from what they were sharing together. Leaving and going home to cry would only raise more questions, so I looked into the corner and let the waves of tears pass.

    Then, it was back to trying to understand the conversations, trying to fit in where I could. I sat there enjoying the life, the fellowship they share together… it was life-giving.

    And so, another day in the Land of Firsts. New vocabulary words, new verbs to conjugate, new things to learn. Loving this place I am at right now, and yet reminded every once in a while of how different things are now than they used to be a few short months ago. So very  different. 

  

The Adventure continues…

The Grief Clock keeps good Time...

November 3, 2012 – 

The Grief Clock Keeps Good Time…

This is still the land of firsts… and there are certainly many firsts… to many to name then all here… Let alone the new language, new culture, new city, new family, new foods, a new Brazilian haircut, new words, new friends, new schedule,… I have always been an early morning / early to bed kind of person… well my new schedule is that it is normal at least in the pastor’s household and in this culture to be up at midnight, 1:00am. The difficulty I have is that I wake up with the light, which here is about 4:30am.

And on the list can go… what I  have told Eneas and Simone here is that EVERYTHING they take for granted is NEW to me. From shopping for, preparing, and cooking food, to how to dispense with the toilet paper…  you see, here you don’t flush your toilet paper… you put it in a little canister by the toilet.

Well, in the midst of all of this… the last few days have been more emotional than usual and then I realized that, yes, indeed, the Grief Clock keeps good time. 

 Today is the 14^th month Anniversary of Marilou’s death. In fact, 14 months, and 15 minutes ago, as I am writing this...

Seems hard to  believe… who would have ever imagined even a year ago that I would be moved here and starting a new life in this place. 

Now understand… it’s all good.  I have such assurance that the Lord has lead me here, but there is still that pesky thing of grief to deal with…  that’s one of the few things that I didn’t leave behind in the U.S.  I’m happy with what God is doing, even in this short week since I have been here…

But Grief has to have it’s way, and I know I need to allow it to do it’s work… but right now it’s hard. The other thing that makes it hard, is that I am pretty much alone in my grief. It’s really always been that way… I can share the fact with people, but no one understands… really… unless they have experienced the death of a spouse after such a long time of marriage. And no one around me has experienced that, so I am alone in my grief until it will pass. Until the next time.

It is indeed strange that there can be such a mixture of emotions in one person in one day. We went down to the beach today… some people in the church here have a place near the beach… not the tourist beach… natural beach… beautiful white sand for kilometers up and down the coast. Waves crashing in at the tide was coming in. Amazingly stunning, and I was reminded of Marilou and I at the Beach in Joao Pessoa in 2010,

and then last December bringing her ashes back to that same beach.

So, I write, and don’t try to figure it out, and I let grief have it’s way… knowing that the Grief Clock keeps good time. Maybe next month, I don’t know, but at some unexpected moment the Grief Clock will strike it’s note and remind me of a chapter of  my life that is past, yet now apart. The page has been turned, but the chapter  has been written in permanent ink so that it can be referenced at any time.

Tomorrow?  More firsts… my first “second week” in Brazil.  And more firsts await me in this next chapter of Walking Through the Land of Firsts.

 

Thanks for walking with me this little  way...

‘Till next time….

One Year.... What do I say?

One Year... Today is the "One Year Anniversary" of Marilou's Home-going.

And to be honest with you I'm not sure what to write here. Last post I wrote was about "Loop Soup," and all the mixture of feelings that are swirling around in me. I'm still in the pot!!

This is a strange place, this "Land of Firsts." I'm not sure I necessarily had any expectations of what I would find as I entered this new land, but it is not anything like I would have imagined. At least for me. And all of us are different in how we react and respond to this new territory.

But it is a strange place. In hearing some people talk, I would have thought I might be a pile of tears today. Well, the day's not over yet.... but this morning was taken up looking for my license tab that was supposed to go on my car on Saturday. So after that frantic search, it was time to head over to Esther and Tony's place to walk a little and have lunch together. I ditched out so I would be alone at 2:50pm... the time of her passing.

I "knew" the time in my senses when it came, even though I was driving. No breakdown, just remembering...

And, things change...

The recliner sofa she relaxed in her last day here just went out the door. The room where a year ago, Marilou had spent her last nine day in her hospital bed, where we all gathered a year ago today to watch her pass into eternity. Where I kept my finger on her artery until the very last pulse was done... at 2:50 pm. That room is now a "staging area" for my packing my belongings for the move to Brazil.

 Never!! would I have even dreamt that a year after we left her body lying in that bed, and I was calling the Hospice to tell them she passed away, would I have thought I would be packing bags, selling furniture and books and everything else I can, in order to take up a new residency in Brazil.


But here it is. A year later and still I'm sometimes wondering if this is all real. It's hard to believe it's only been a year, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year! I'm not sure how I should react... There are times when the "wave" comes suddenly and I remember something we shared together... and then it passes. And in a way, I almost feel guilty if I am not sorrowful or crying, yet in the midst of all of this the Lord has given me great peace, and perhaps the fact that this call to Brazil came so soon is really the Lord's way of keeping me from dwelling too much on the loss.

There was a very serendipitous moment a few days ago as I made a video to remember this one year anniversary ( you can watch it on my YouTube channel - Click Here ). I had watched it a number of times before with tears in my eyes each time. But this time, still with tears in my eyes, I was overwhelmed with a sense of thanksgiving! My heart was just crying out, "Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have this wonderful person in my life for those years!!!"  It was another one of those turning point moments. A few months ago, the Lord spoke to me about making her life a source of worship, but here it became real and powerful thanks for this life that touched mine, shaped mine, challenged mine. I was blown away!

 So here I am, at the one year mark... a "Loop Soup" of mixed emotions and circumstances. A past to celebrate, and a future to explore. Actually, it's quite amazing. And... this is not the end of the "Firsts!" I will be having a whole new season of "Firsts" as I head to Brazil, learn a new language, a new culture, a new ministry... and who knows what other "Firsts" are awaiting me. Oh yea, My Lord knows!  

Then, it's OK.

'till next time...

"Loop Soup"

"Loop Soup" --

I have not written here for a while. It's not that I haven't had some things I had thought about writing, but life has been pretty busy lately. I have been in the process of preparations to move to Brazil. If you are not familiar with that little adventure,
I would like to invite you to read about it on my ministry website at, www.yourservantinchristministries.org
You can learn more of my ministry and go to the pages entitled "Brazil - The Adventure" and follow the story.

It's kind of surreal to fathom that I am now entering into a whole season of Firsts in this journey of grief. It was one year ago that Marilou and I began to try to grasp the fact that we were dealing with the issue of cancer. It was one year ago August 11th that she went in for a Biopsy, and had to stay overnight due to fever spikes. A year ago today she came home, and that really began her downhill spiral. It was August 16th that we went to see a doctor at the clinic because of her increasing fevers and found out the diagnosis.Eighteen days later she would be gone.

These past weeks and days leading up to September 3rd, I have had such a mix of emotions and responses. I have tried to find some way of describing what is going on in me. The best description I could find was the word "Soup." The idea being that I am in the midst of just a lot of stuff swirling around inside and it's all kind of mixed up together. Soup is defined as a liquid food made from some sort of stock and usually containing solid foods. Well, I've got quite a pot of soup here. Look at some of the ingredients in my "Loop Soup";

Stock: The "Soup Stock" if you will, that all the rest is swimming around in is grief. Grief is not something you put on the shelf and take it down when it is convenient. If you have lived with grief or read some of my other entries, you realize that grief is with you all the time. It never really leave you, in fact, it is like a soup that is constantly swirling around inside you. It is not "turned off" when you don't want it... it's just there.

Other Ingredients:
Anniversary Memories - As I mentioned earlier, in these short weeks there are just a flood of memories of what we were doing one year ago, what we were feeling. We had no idea this would happen so quickly. This part of the soup I have given the label as something "sour." I thought about calling it "bitter" but honestly, I am not bitter, and the memories are not "bitter" as such, but they add a sour taste to this soup that is simmering inside me.

Memories of our Lives Together - There are lots of those that are floating around in the soup. They are the "sweet" ingredients. I have been "digitizing" pictures so I can take them to Brazil with me. And they bring up all kinds of memories. Our wedding out in the park in Dallas Texas on May 20, 1972... we always seemed to do things in an unconventional way. The family vacations at Samuel P. Taylor State Park in Northern California. A place of special memories for all of the family. Those three months we spent together in Brazil. There are many sweet memories. It's not that we had a perfect life together, actually far from it, but we had some good times, and she was a real trooper! 

Brazil Adventure - This incredibly amazing adventure that God has invited me on to move to and minster in Brazil. Although down there they don't care for food too spicy, for me, this is like a "spicy" part of the soup. One of the definitions of spicy is, lively, or spirited. This new adventure for me is certainly that! God is putting me in the midst of a very lively and spirited group of people who love the Lord, and for some crazy reason, love me. God is going to add some spice to my life in this season.

Leaving The Old Life Behind - I'm not really sure what this part might represent. In order to move to Brazil, I am only taking what I can fit into four suitcases. Everything else, but a few things I will leave behind with Esther and Tony will be sold or given away. Almost every vestige of my former life will be left behind when I board that plane for Brazil. I will be walking into a whole new life, new culture, new ministry, new home, new everything. Now, I am planning on coming back and visiting and bringing teams back and forth, but as the Lord gives strength, my new home will be Brazil. As I am sorting through things, it's actually pretty hard, because there are so many memories attached to all this stuff. The other day I was crawling under the dining room table, and thought of all the things we have done around that table, I just lay on the floor and cried.

So then to make a good soup, you need to turn up the heat!! The pressures of moving, dealing with so many issues of getting the "Missionary Visa," trying to help the family understand... that turns up the heat for sure!

But then as one friend reminded me, and I had thought of this... my prayer is that the aroma that comes from this "soup" would be smelling so good, that it would make people hungry for more of God.

 He is the chef, and He knows what He is doing as He stirs the pot and mixes all these flavors together, and my prayer is that as Paul told the Corinthians, in 2 Corinthians 2:14-15 (NLT)
 Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God. But this fragrance is perceived differently by those who are being saved and by those who are perishing.
My prayer is that what I am going through, and how God remains so faithful would be a sweet fragrance to all who will come in contact with this adventure, this "soup."


One last thing...
There was a while when I really thought that this or maybe one more entry would be my last writing for this particular blog about the "Land of First." But then as I thought about it, I realized, no, this is not the END of this Land of Firsts, this is only the beginning of the journey through the Land of First. I am about to have a whole LOT of "Firsts" when I land in Brazil. So watch out... there may be more coming!


Thanks for following along with me on this Journey. It means a lot, and again, my prayer is that somehow, what I write here, might be a blessing, and encouragement to someone along the way.
God bless you richly.

Turning Grief into Worship

This land of firsts if full of surprises and new vistas. New horizons and new territory that lies at the other side of sometimes unexpected experiences. This has been the case in recent days. There is a lot of talk about "the first year" of grieving. This "anniversary" is sometimes spoken of as if it were a "threshold" to get over. For me, this is more like a "season" of anniversaries. I have been entering a whole season of anniversary events that will culminate in the September 3rd Anniversary of Marilou's passing away. It was a year ago that we were closing the deal for our house. July is full of anniversary memories.

It was in July of 2010 that Marilou and I spent three weeks in Brazil, praying and seeking the face of God. It was a formative time, that gave Marilou the strength to face her last months of life here on earth. It was one year ago the end of July that we closed on the house and moved into the house. It was a year ago that we knew she was not feeling well, but had no idea what would lie before us.


The last few weeks I have been gathering "extra stuff" to sell in garage sales.. things that I cannot keep, or cannot take to Brazil with me. Most of those things are things that Marilou collected... Coke memorabilia, coffee mugs from around the world, lighthouses, plates, and seasonal decorations, etc. It is not that it is hard for me to part with them, it is just that here are all reminders of her life, her desires, the things that brought her happiness. Mixed emotions...


In the midst of this, I admit, I was struggling... not knowing how to react... wondering if I am heading in the right direction, yet knowing God' is leading... just a lot of stuff swirling around in my head. Then a couple weekends ago, I was driving up North to do some teaching with an intercessors group.  As I was driving, I was allowing these issues to fill up my mind and thoughts... I was feeling that sense of needing some "assurance," you know that feeling? It got to the point that I reached over, turned off the car radio, grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and said, "Jesus, we need to have a talk!"  At that very moment, on the other side of the highway, came a bright green motorcycle.... with a side car!!
  The picture God has given me as a symbol of our "Adventure" together. It was an in-your-face reassurance that my "Daddy" knows. I could only say, "OK, sorry." There have been those reassurances in the faithfulness of God.


But today was a different dimension that God revealed to me in this grief process. This morning in our worship service, the pastor was preaching on worship. That all of our lives should be worship, that we should see God in all the things in our lives.  In the midst of that, the Lord gently spoke a word to me. It was a simple word... "Worship me for her life." It was like some shackles fell off my heart. I have been in this weird time when I miss her terrifically, when I am coming on all these anniversary events, and when sometimes I feel this weird feeling of whether my memories of her are real... I know if seems strange, but it's like I know she was, but it seems now so distant and apart from my daily experience now....

But here was God putting a whole new dimension on my grief... worship!! "Worship me for her life." Exalt God for the memories, worship Him for the things she added to my life, and the lives of so many. Worship Him for the work of His grace in her life. Worship Him that she passed from this life with a strong faith in her Savior. Worship Him that in her last days, she was hungry to see Him face to face. Worship Him for the gift of our time together. Worship Him for the gift of our children the Lord gave us together. God's challenge to me today was to turn my grief into worship!!!

Yes, Lord! I worship You for all these things and so much more that was her life. She was not perfect, I do not worship her, I worship the YOU that was working in and through her. I choose to turn my grieving into a worship of the God who defeated the enemy of death, and will turn my mourning into dancing, Psalm 30:11-12  - (NKJV) You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Anniversary Thoughts and Ponderings

Sunday, May 20th would have been our 40th Anniversary...

Last month, when coming back from Houston, I flew through Dallas.It was a difficult time as I looked from the air at our former home. It was there that we met, both students at Dallas Bible College. It was at Lake Ray Hubbard, that it took me forever to "pop the question" that we both knew was coming. We had an outdoor wedding on a beautiful day in Dallas.

It's pretty amazing how much a person becomes a part of you in the course of forty short years. Today I was  preparing for a garage sale, and found a tub of some of her sweatshirts.... one of her favorites... a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt...she loved Mickey. I had the tears come, but I thought it was interesting that it was not like it would have been a few months ago. Does that mean I am getting better? There is a conflict there... on one hand, I know I need to move on, get through this first year of grieving ( "They" say it's the first year that is the hardest), but on the other hand, there is this feeling almost of guilt to not feel like I did eight months ago. I know I'm not supposed to be guilty about not being "as sad," but sometimes feelings get all mixed up.

Forty years....almost two-thirds of my life... you know what I miss?  I miss HER.... but I miss her presence... I miss just having her around... not having to say anything.... just being around. But then I miss someone to talk to. This place gets pretty quiet when it's just me. I miss being able to talk to her about stuff...like most good wives, she knew me enough to be able to speak the truth to me when I needed to hear it. I miss that.

It's been eight and a half months....but in some ways it seems like an eternity. This morning I was looking at her picture I have up in the bathroom, and it was almost like it was a part of a different life.... in a  way it was.
It was a different life...it started 40 years ago, and ended a little over eight years ago. Her imprint will always be on my life. Nothing and no one will ever replace her. Shoot... I REALLY miss  her!

But I am trying very hard to move ahead. My biggest struggle is the loneliness... the aloneness when you have been used to having a companion to share everything with you. So I continue to try to "re-invent" my life.
I will be allowing the house to go into foreclosure... it has served it's purpose. I will sell most of my stuff, and as the Lord opens the door... I will move to Brazil. If that works  out... who knows how long I will stay there?

From the very beginning of my Christian life, my only desire has been to serve the Lord I love, Who first loved me. So that is my desire, my passion... to follow Him.

Daddy, Thank you for giving me my precious wife Marilou. Thank you for the years we had together. Thank you for the ways that she changed and shaped me into who I am today. Thank you for  her example to me in so many different areas. Thank you for all the areas of life that we shared together. Lord, you know that everything was not perfect, but thank you, Father that you graciously chose to allow me to have her in my life for these past forty years. Thank you, Lord, that because of what Jesus did, I have the hope that I will see her again, in your presence. Help me to hold on to what I need to hold on to, and let go of what I need to let go of. Continue to make me the man you want me to be... now without her in this season. I give this season of my life to you.
In Jesus Name...
Amen.

....'till next time...