Anniversary Thoughts and Ponderings

Sunday, May 20th would have been our 40th Anniversary...

Last month, when coming back from Houston, I flew through Dallas.It was a difficult time as I looked from the air at our former home. It was there that we met, both students at Dallas Bible College. It was at Lake Ray Hubbard, that it took me forever to "pop the question" that we both knew was coming. We had an outdoor wedding on a beautiful day in Dallas.

It's pretty amazing how much a person becomes a part of you in the course of forty short years. Today I was  preparing for a garage sale, and found a tub of some of her sweatshirts.... one of her favorites... a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt...she loved Mickey. I had the tears come, but I thought it was interesting that it was not like it would have been a few months ago. Does that mean I am getting better? There is a conflict there... on one hand, I know I need to move on, get through this first year of grieving ( "They" say it's the first year that is the hardest), but on the other hand, there is this feeling almost of guilt to not feel like I did eight months ago. I know I'm not supposed to be guilty about not being "as sad," but sometimes feelings get all mixed up.

Forty years....almost two-thirds of my life... you know what I miss?  I miss HER.... but I miss her presence... I miss just having her around... not having to say anything.... just being around. But then I miss someone to talk to. This place gets pretty quiet when it's just me. I miss being able to talk to her about stuff...like most good wives, she knew me enough to be able to speak the truth to me when I needed to hear it. I miss that.

It's been eight and a half months....but in some ways it seems like an eternity. This morning I was looking at her picture I have up in the bathroom, and it was almost like it was a part of a different life.... in a  way it was.
It was a different life...it started 40 years ago, and ended a little over eight years ago. Her imprint will always be on my life. Nothing and no one will ever replace her. Shoot... I REALLY miss  her!

But I am trying very hard to move ahead. My biggest struggle is the loneliness... the aloneness when you have been used to having a companion to share everything with you. So I continue to try to "re-invent" my life.
I will be allowing the house to go into foreclosure... it has served it's purpose. I will sell most of my stuff, and as the Lord opens the door... I will move to Brazil. If that works  out... who knows how long I will stay there?

From the very beginning of my Christian life, my only desire has been to serve the Lord I love, Who first loved me. So that is my desire, my passion... to follow Him.

Daddy, Thank you for giving me my precious wife Marilou. Thank you for the years we had together. Thank you for the ways that she changed and shaped me into who I am today. Thank you for  her example to me in so many different areas. Thank you for all the areas of life that we shared together. Lord, you know that everything was not perfect, but thank you, Father that you graciously chose to allow me to have her in my life for these past forty years. Thank you, Lord, that because of what Jesus did, I have the hope that I will see her again, in your presence. Help me to hold on to what I need to hold on to, and let go of what I need to let go of. Continue to make me the man you want me to be... now without her in this season. I give this season of my life to you.
In Jesus Name...
Amen.

....'till next time...