"First Easter"

"Hoss" stood this morning in church and testified that this was his "First Easter" as a believer. How at the Good Friday service, he came more fully to understand the extent of the price that Jesus willingly paid for our sins. It was a wonderful testimony. He is growing in his faith, and it is wonderful to see.

Today, I too had a "First Easter." It is my 43rd as a believer in Jesus, and my first as a widower. It came as a surprise. No, not Easter morning, not like those first disciples. The surprise was the emotions that came flooding into my heart on this day. A day when normally, and rightly there is great celebration at the truth that Jesus conquered the grave, and death. That is wonderful joyous news! The emotions came, and.... honestly, I was not even sure how to label them. A form of the grieving process for sure... and the loneliness that hides just below the surface. I had a hard time giving any kind of label to it, but it was sure real! And it caused somewhat of a conflict for me.

The conflict between what I know, and truly believe... and what I feel. It is the age old challenge for every person. Do I truly live what I say I believe? That question is proven out in the very deepest and painful circumstances of life. I know I am not alone in that, yet this morning that struggle came roaring to life as I drove to the Easter morning service. Knowing that for good reasons, I would need to put on the "game face."  It is what I don't want more than anything, is to be seen as this old widower that's moping around, sad and feeling sorry for himself all the time. Oh God NO! And certainly this was a morning to celebrate the resurrection as well. Interestingly enough the sermon was on how we need to live out the truth of what Jesus did for us in His death and resurrection. An appropriate exhortation for me today.

That does not mean that I have conquered this thing. The emotions are still there as I write. And I know that they are part of a process I need to embrace. But I will not become a victim to them, or the process. Somehow, by the grace of God, I want to get beyond this. And honestly, I am not even sure where that is. But I know that it is a place where I can live out the truths of the Gospel that I believe with all my heart. The truth that Jesus did indeed conquer death and the grave. And that someday, I will come to live in the reality of those truths in a stronger, more confident way than I have in any of the past 43 years. How do I do that? By affirming TODAY that I believe. By applying that belief to my present feelings, not ignoring them, but causing them to be molded into the shape of what I believe. Is it ok to grieve the loss of my wife on Easter? Sure it is. Is it ok to acknowledge that on this day of the celebration of the resurrection of Christ that I am lonely? Yea, I think so. The challenge is allowing those realities to co-exist together in me all at the same time. The resurrection of Jesus from the grave does not erase my grief and loneliness, it puts it into a different context. It allows me to grieve and be lonely with a hope and confidence. That might seem contradictory to some, but isn't that really the nitty gritty of the Gospel? The Gospel of God does not erase our humanness, it puts a new dimension on our humanness in its "earthly" context. So, again, it's a journey. It's a walk through the Land of Firsts. And today, as most days, it is one foot in front of the other, but because of the truth of Easter morning, I walk, with tears, with loneliness, with my eyes not on my tears and loneliness, but my eyes on the Hope that is set before me.

Gosh, I hope that made sense.... 'till next time...