Turning Grief into Worship

This land of firsts if full of surprises and new vistas. New horizons and new territory that lies at the other side of sometimes unexpected experiences. This has been the case in recent days. There is a lot of talk about "the first year" of grieving. This "anniversary" is sometimes spoken of as if it were a "threshold" to get over. For me, this is more like a "season" of anniversaries. I have been entering a whole season of anniversary events that will culminate in the September 3rd Anniversary of Marilou's passing away. It was a year ago that we were closing the deal for our house. July is full of anniversary memories.

It was in July of 2010 that Marilou and I spent three weeks in Brazil, praying and seeking the face of God. It was a formative time, that gave Marilou the strength to face her last months of life here on earth. It was one year ago the end of July that we closed on the house and moved into the house. It was a year ago that we knew she was not feeling well, but had no idea what would lie before us.


The last few weeks I have been gathering "extra stuff" to sell in garage sales.. things that I cannot keep, or cannot take to Brazil with me. Most of those things are things that Marilou collected... Coke memorabilia, coffee mugs from around the world, lighthouses, plates, and seasonal decorations, etc. It is not that it is hard for me to part with them, it is just that here are all reminders of her life, her desires, the things that brought her happiness. Mixed emotions...


In the midst of this, I admit, I was struggling... not knowing how to react... wondering if I am heading in the right direction, yet knowing God' is leading... just a lot of stuff swirling around in my head. Then a couple weekends ago, I was driving up North to do some teaching with an intercessors group.  As I was driving, I was allowing these issues to fill up my mind and thoughts... I was feeling that sense of needing some "assurance," you know that feeling? It got to the point that I reached over, turned off the car radio, grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and said, "Jesus, we need to have a talk!"  At that very moment, on the other side of the highway, came a bright green motorcycle.... with a side car!!
  The picture God has given me as a symbol of our "Adventure" together. It was an in-your-face reassurance that my "Daddy" knows. I could only say, "OK, sorry." There have been those reassurances in the faithfulness of God.


But today was a different dimension that God revealed to me in this grief process. This morning in our worship service, the pastor was preaching on worship. That all of our lives should be worship, that we should see God in all the things in our lives.  In the midst of that, the Lord gently spoke a word to me. It was a simple word... "Worship me for her life." It was like some shackles fell off my heart. I have been in this weird time when I miss her terrifically, when I am coming on all these anniversary events, and when sometimes I feel this weird feeling of whether my memories of her are real... I know if seems strange, but it's like I know she was, but it seems now so distant and apart from my daily experience now....

But here was God putting a whole new dimension on my grief... worship!! "Worship me for her life." Exalt God for the memories, worship Him for the things she added to my life, and the lives of so many. Worship Him for the work of His grace in her life. Worship Him that she passed from this life with a strong faith in her Savior. Worship Him that in her last days, she was hungry to see Him face to face. Worship Him for the gift of our time together. Worship Him for the gift of our children the Lord gave us together. God's challenge to me today was to turn my grief into worship!!!

Yes, Lord! I worship You for all these things and so much more that was her life. She was not perfect, I do not worship her, I worship the YOU that was working in and through her. I choose to turn my grieving into a worship of the God who defeated the enemy of death, and will turn my mourning into dancing, Psalm 30:11-12  - (NKJV) You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.