One Year.... What do I say?

One Year... Today is the "One Year Anniversary" of Marilou's Home-going.

And to be honest with you I'm not sure what to write here. Last post I wrote was about "Loop Soup," and all the mixture of feelings that are swirling around in me. I'm still in the pot!!

This is a strange place, this "Land of Firsts." I'm not sure I necessarily had any expectations of what I would find as I entered this new land, but it is not anything like I would have imagined. At least for me. And all of us are different in how we react and respond to this new territory.

But it is a strange place. In hearing some people talk, I would have thought I might be a pile of tears today. Well, the day's not over yet.... but this morning was taken up looking for my license tab that was supposed to go on my car on Saturday. So after that frantic search, it was time to head over to Esther and Tony's place to walk a little and have lunch together. I ditched out so I would be alone at 2:50pm... the time of her passing.

I "knew" the time in my senses when it came, even though I was driving. No breakdown, just remembering...

And, things change...

The recliner sofa she relaxed in her last day here just went out the door. The room where a year ago, Marilou had spent her last nine day in her hospital bed, where we all gathered a year ago today to watch her pass into eternity. Where I kept my finger on her artery until the very last pulse was done... at 2:50 pm. That room is now a "staging area" for my packing my belongings for the move to Brazil.

 Never!! would I have even dreamt that a year after we left her body lying in that bed, and I was calling the Hospice to tell them she passed away, would I have thought I would be packing bags, selling furniture and books and everything else I can, in order to take up a new residency in Brazil.


But here it is. A year later and still I'm sometimes wondering if this is all real. It's hard to believe it's only been a year, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year! I'm not sure how I should react... There are times when the "wave" comes suddenly and I remember something we shared together... and then it passes. And in a way, I almost feel guilty if I am not sorrowful or crying, yet in the midst of all of this the Lord has given me great peace, and perhaps the fact that this call to Brazil came so soon is really the Lord's way of keeping me from dwelling too much on the loss.

There was a very serendipitous moment a few days ago as I made a video to remember this one year anniversary ( you can watch it on my YouTube channel - Click Here ). I had watched it a number of times before with tears in my eyes each time. But this time, still with tears in my eyes, I was overwhelmed with a sense of thanksgiving! My heart was just crying out, "Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have this wonderful person in my life for those years!!!"  It was another one of those turning point moments. A few months ago, the Lord spoke to me about making her life a source of worship, but here it became real and powerful thanks for this life that touched mine, shaped mine, challenged mine. I was blown away!

 So here I am, at the one year mark... a "Loop Soup" of mixed emotions and circumstances. A past to celebrate, and a future to explore. Actually, it's quite amazing. And... this is not the end of the "Firsts!" I will be having a whole new season of "Firsts" as I head to Brazil, learn a new language, a new culture, a new ministry... and who knows what other "Firsts" are awaiting me. Oh yea, My Lord knows!  

Then, it's OK.

'till next time...

"Loop Soup"

"Loop Soup" --

I have not written here for a while. It's not that I haven't had some things I had thought about writing, but life has been pretty busy lately. I have been in the process of preparations to move to Brazil. If you are not familiar with that little adventure,
I would like to invite you to read about it on my ministry website at, www.yourservantinchristministries.org
You can learn more of my ministry and go to the pages entitled "Brazil - The Adventure" and follow the story.

It's kind of surreal to fathom that I am now entering into a whole season of Firsts in this journey of grief. It was one year ago that Marilou and I began to try to grasp the fact that we were dealing with the issue of cancer. It was one year ago August 11th that she went in for a Biopsy, and had to stay overnight due to fever spikes. A year ago today she came home, and that really began her downhill spiral. It was August 16th that we went to see a doctor at the clinic because of her increasing fevers and found out the diagnosis.Eighteen days later she would be gone.

These past weeks and days leading up to September 3rd, I have had such a mix of emotions and responses. I have tried to find some way of describing what is going on in me. The best description I could find was the word "Soup." The idea being that I am in the midst of just a lot of stuff swirling around inside and it's all kind of mixed up together. Soup is defined as a liquid food made from some sort of stock and usually containing solid foods. Well, I've got quite a pot of soup here. Look at some of the ingredients in my "Loop Soup";

Stock: The "Soup Stock" if you will, that all the rest is swimming around in is grief. Grief is not something you put on the shelf and take it down when it is convenient. If you have lived with grief or read some of my other entries, you realize that grief is with you all the time. It never really leave you, in fact, it is like a soup that is constantly swirling around inside you. It is not "turned off" when you don't want it... it's just there.

Other Ingredients:
Anniversary Memories - As I mentioned earlier, in these short weeks there are just a flood of memories of what we were doing one year ago, what we were feeling. We had no idea this would happen so quickly. This part of the soup I have given the label as something "sour." I thought about calling it "bitter" but honestly, I am not bitter, and the memories are not "bitter" as such, but they add a sour taste to this soup that is simmering inside me.

Memories of our Lives Together - There are lots of those that are floating around in the soup. They are the "sweet" ingredients. I have been "digitizing" pictures so I can take them to Brazil with me. And they bring up all kinds of memories. Our wedding out in the park in Dallas Texas on May 20, 1972... we always seemed to do things in an unconventional way. The family vacations at Samuel P. Taylor State Park in Northern California. A place of special memories for all of the family. Those three months we spent together in Brazil. There are many sweet memories. It's not that we had a perfect life together, actually far from it, but we had some good times, and she was a real trooper! 

Brazil Adventure - This incredibly amazing adventure that God has invited me on to move to and minster in Brazil. Although down there they don't care for food too spicy, for me, this is like a "spicy" part of the soup. One of the definitions of spicy is, lively, or spirited. This new adventure for me is certainly that! God is putting me in the midst of a very lively and spirited group of people who love the Lord, and for some crazy reason, love me. God is going to add some spice to my life in this season.

Leaving The Old Life Behind - I'm not really sure what this part might represent. In order to move to Brazil, I am only taking what I can fit into four suitcases. Everything else, but a few things I will leave behind with Esther and Tony will be sold or given away. Almost every vestige of my former life will be left behind when I board that plane for Brazil. I will be walking into a whole new life, new culture, new ministry, new home, new everything. Now, I am planning on coming back and visiting and bringing teams back and forth, but as the Lord gives strength, my new home will be Brazil. As I am sorting through things, it's actually pretty hard, because there are so many memories attached to all this stuff. The other day I was crawling under the dining room table, and thought of all the things we have done around that table, I just lay on the floor and cried.

So then to make a good soup, you need to turn up the heat!! The pressures of moving, dealing with so many issues of getting the "Missionary Visa," trying to help the family understand... that turns up the heat for sure!

But then as one friend reminded me, and I had thought of this... my prayer is that the aroma that comes from this "soup" would be smelling so good, that it would make people hungry for more of God.

 He is the chef, and He knows what He is doing as He stirs the pot and mixes all these flavors together, and my prayer is that as Paul told the Corinthians, in 2 Corinthians 2:14-15 (NLT)
 Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God. But this fragrance is perceived differently by those who are being saved and by those who are perishing.
My prayer is that what I am going through, and how God remains so faithful would be a sweet fragrance to all who will come in contact with this adventure, this "soup."


One last thing...
There was a while when I really thought that this or maybe one more entry would be my last writing for this particular blog about the "Land of First." But then as I thought about it, I realized, no, this is not the END of this Land of Firsts, this is only the beginning of the journey through the Land of First. I am about to have a whole LOT of "Firsts" when I land in Brazil. So watch out... there may be more coming!


Thanks for following along with me on this Journey. It means a lot, and again, my prayer is that somehow, what I write here, might be a blessing, and encouragement to someone along the way.
God bless you richly.

Turning Grief into Worship

This land of firsts if full of surprises and new vistas. New horizons and new territory that lies at the other side of sometimes unexpected experiences. This has been the case in recent days. There is a lot of talk about "the first year" of grieving. This "anniversary" is sometimes spoken of as if it were a "threshold" to get over. For me, this is more like a "season" of anniversaries. I have been entering a whole season of anniversary events that will culminate in the September 3rd Anniversary of Marilou's passing away. It was a year ago that we were closing the deal for our house. July is full of anniversary memories.

It was in July of 2010 that Marilou and I spent three weeks in Brazil, praying and seeking the face of God. It was a formative time, that gave Marilou the strength to face her last months of life here on earth. It was one year ago the end of July that we closed on the house and moved into the house. It was a year ago that we knew she was not feeling well, but had no idea what would lie before us.


The last few weeks I have been gathering "extra stuff" to sell in garage sales.. things that I cannot keep, or cannot take to Brazil with me. Most of those things are things that Marilou collected... Coke memorabilia, coffee mugs from around the world, lighthouses, plates, and seasonal decorations, etc. It is not that it is hard for me to part with them, it is just that here are all reminders of her life, her desires, the things that brought her happiness. Mixed emotions...


In the midst of this, I admit, I was struggling... not knowing how to react... wondering if I am heading in the right direction, yet knowing God' is leading... just a lot of stuff swirling around in my head. Then a couple weekends ago, I was driving up North to do some teaching with an intercessors group.  As I was driving, I was allowing these issues to fill up my mind and thoughts... I was feeling that sense of needing some "assurance," you know that feeling? It got to the point that I reached over, turned off the car radio, grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and said, "Jesus, we need to have a talk!"  At that very moment, on the other side of the highway, came a bright green motorcycle.... with a side car!!
  The picture God has given me as a symbol of our "Adventure" together. It was an in-your-face reassurance that my "Daddy" knows. I could only say, "OK, sorry." There have been those reassurances in the faithfulness of God.


But today was a different dimension that God revealed to me in this grief process. This morning in our worship service, the pastor was preaching on worship. That all of our lives should be worship, that we should see God in all the things in our lives.  In the midst of that, the Lord gently spoke a word to me. It was a simple word... "Worship me for her life." It was like some shackles fell off my heart. I have been in this weird time when I miss her terrifically, when I am coming on all these anniversary events, and when sometimes I feel this weird feeling of whether my memories of her are real... I know if seems strange, but it's like I know she was, but it seems now so distant and apart from my daily experience now....

But here was God putting a whole new dimension on my grief... worship!! "Worship me for her life." Exalt God for the memories, worship Him for the things she added to my life, and the lives of so many. Worship Him for the work of His grace in her life. Worship Him that she passed from this life with a strong faith in her Savior. Worship Him that in her last days, she was hungry to see Him face to face. Worship Him for the gift of our time together. Worship Him for the gift of our children the Lord gave us together. God's challenge to me today was to turn my grief into worship!!!

Yes, Lord! I worship You for all these things and so much more that was her life. She was not perfect, I do not worship her, I worship the YOU that was working in and through her. I choose to turn my grieving into a worship of the God who defeated the enemy of death, and will turn my mourning into dancing, Psalm 30:11-12  - (NKJV) You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Anniversary Thoughts and Ponderings

Sunday, May 20th would have been our 40th Anniversary...

Last month, when coming back from Houston, I flew through Dallas.It was a difficult time as I looked from the air at our former home. It was there that we met, both students at Dallas Bible College. It was at Lake Ray Hubbard, that it took me forever to "pop the question" that we both knew was coming. We had an outdoor wedding on a beautiful day in Dallas.

It's pretty amazing how much a person becomes a part of you in the course of forty short years. Today I was  preparing for a garage sale, and found a tub of some of her sweatshirts.... one of her favorites... a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt...she loved Mickey. I had the tears come, but I thought it was interesting that it was not like it would have been a few months ago. Does that mean I am getting better? There is a conflict there... on one hand, I know I need to move on, get through this first year of grieving ( "They" say it's the first year that is the hardest), but on the other hand, there is this feeling almost of guilt to not feel like I did eight months ago. I know I'm not supposed to be guilty about not being "as sad," but sometimes feelings get all mixed up.

Forty years....almost two-thirds of my life... you know what I miss?  I miss HER.... but I miss her presence... I miss just having her around... not having to say anything.... just being around. But then I miss someone to talk to. This place gets pretty quiet when it's just me. I miss being able to talk to her about stuff...like most good wives, she knew me enough to be able to speak the truth to me when I needed to hear it. I miss that.

It's been eight and a half months....but in some ways it seems like an eternity. This morning I was looking at her picture I have up in the bathroom, and it was almost like it was a part of a different life.... in a  way it was.
It was a different life...it started 40 years ago, and ended a little over eight years ago. Her imprint will always be on my life. Nothing and no one will ever replace her. Shoot... I REALLY miss  her!

But I am trying very hard to move ahead. My biggest struggle is the loneliness... the aloneness when you have been used to having a companion to share everything with you. So I continue to try to "re-invent" my life.
I will be allowing the house to go into foreclosure... it has served it's purpose. I will sell most of my stuff, and as the Lord opens the door... I will move to Brazil. If that works  out... who knows how long I will stay there?

From the very beginning of my Christian life, my only desire has been to serve the Lord I love, Who first loved me. So that is my desire, my passion... to follow Him.

Daddy, Thank you for giving me my precious wife Marilou. Thank you for the years we had together. Thank you for the ways that she changed and shaped me into who I am today. Thank you for  her example to me in so many different areas. Thank you for all the areas of life that we shared together. Lord, you know that everything was not perfect, but thank you, Father that you graciously chose to allow me to have her in my life for these past forty years. Thank you, Lord, that because of what Jesus did, I have the hope that I will see her again, in your presence. Help me to hold on to what I need to hold on to, and let go of what I need to let go of. Continue to make me the man you want me to be... now without her in this season. I give this season of my life to you.
In Jesus Name...
Amen.

....'till next time...

"First Easter"

"Hoss" stood this morning in church and testified that this was his "First Easter" as a believer. How at the Good Friday service, he came more fully to understand the extent of the price that Jesus willingly paid for our sins. It was a wonderful testimony. He is growing in his faith, and it is wonderful to see.

Today, I too had a "First Easter." It is my 43rd as a believer in Jesus, and my first as a widower. It came as a surprise. No, not Easter morning, not like those first disciples. The surprise was the emotions that came flooding into my heart on this day. A day when normally, and rightly there is great celebration at the truth that Jesus conquered the grave, and death. That is wonderful joyous news! The emotions came, and.... honestly, I was not even sure how to label them. A form of the grieving process for sure... and the loneliness that hides just below the surface. I had a hard time giving any kind of label to it, but it was sure real! And it caused somewhat of a conflict for me.

The conflict between what I know, and truly believe... and what I feel. It is the age old challenge for every person. Do I truly live what I say I believe? That question is proven out in the very deepest and painful circumstances of life. I know I am not alone in that, yet this morning that struggle came roaring to life as I drove to the Easter morning service. Knowing that for good reasons, I would need to put on the "game face."  It is what I don't want more than anything, is to be seen as this old widower that's moping around, sad and feeling sorry for himself all the time. Oh God NO! And certainly this was a morning to celebrate the resurrection as well. Interestingly enough the sermon was on how we need to live out the truth of what Jesus did for us in His death and resurrection. An appropriate exhortation for me today.

That does not mean that I have conquered this thing. The emotions are still there as I write. And I know that they are part of a process I need to embrace. But I will not become a victim to them, or the process. Somehow, by the grace of God, I want to get beyond this. And honestly, I am not even sure where that is. But I know that it is a place where I can live out the truths of the Gospel that I believe with all my heart. The truth that Jesus did indeed conquer death and the grave. And that someday, I will come to live in the reality of those truths in a stronger, more confident way than I have in any of the past 43 years. How do I do that? By affirming TODAY that I believe. By applying that belief to my present feelings, not ignoring them, but causing them to be molded into the shape of what I believe. Is it ok to grieve the loss of my wife on Easter? Sure it is. Is it ok to acknowledge that on this day of the celebration of the resurrection of Christ that I am lonely? Yea, I think so. The challenge is allowing those realities to co-exist together in me all at the same time. The resurrection of Jesus from the grave does not erase my grief and loneliness, it puts it into a different context. It allows me to grieve and be lonely with a hope and confidence. That might seem contradictory to some, but isn't that really the nitty gritty of the Gospel? The Gospel of God does not erase our humanness, it puts a new dimension on our humanness in its "earthly" context. So, again, it's a journey. It's a walk through the Land of Firsts. And today, as most days, it is one foot in front of the other, but because of the truth of Easter morning, I walk, with tears, with loneliness, with my eyes not on my tears and loneliness, but my eyes on the Hope that is set before me.

Gosh, I hope that made sense.... 'till next time...

March 3, 2012 - Six Months hits hard.

I didn't really expect the six month mark to hurt this much. March 3rd is the six month remembrance... (I can't bring myself to use the word "Anniversary" because that word connotes happy celebration). I knew it was coming, and then it started flooding in... the memories... the emotions. The "unreality" of it all... I didn't expect it to be hit quite this hard so early. It began this afternoon, as I thought about the family being here, our vigil, the last hours...and then it came flooding in again... the loneliness, empty.... I thought I could stick it out at prayer meeting tonight, but I just didn't want to risk breaking down there and disrupting everything.  There's a part of me that just says, nobody can understand this... For God's Sake, I DON'T EVEN  UNDERSTAND IT!  The depth of the chasm of grief is unmeasurable... there is not bottom... at least so it seems now. I am staring into the abyss, and all I see is the black emptiness of Grief. There are not words to really describe it.

And then tonight, all of the feelings from Tuesday came flooding back. It's the combination punch of all the stuff together. If it was only one thing, maybe... but the death of the love of my life, my partner, the one who shared my life, and then having to fight the battles of no income, what to do with the house, the VA that called and said, no they won't pay the hospital bill, I'll have to file an appeal. Everything is a battle...the keyboard tray broke on my computer desk tonight, that was one of those "pokes in the eye" I didn't need... it seems sometimes there is confrontation at every level, and then there is the long list of things to do, battles every one, and it just all kind of falls in, and the pile is so high.Too high. And coming of course at this particular time, it becomes suffocating... overwhelming. Alone.

And I feel guilty for letting it get to me. It's the same thing at in those first weeks. Life goes on, everyone is in their "normal" routine, and have no clue the hell you are going through inside. It takes a lot of energy to keep your chin up, did you know that? And then if I give in, I feel guilty because I am not living in the victory. I know when I get on the other side of this, the Lord's Grace will be what has brought me through, but in the meantime there really does exist the valley of the shadow of death, and sometimes you can smell it's hot and stinky breath right on your neck.

Saturday, March 3rd. Six months. Right now, it doesn't hurt any less. People say it will get less. I want it to go away... the pain, the agony. But it can't go away because it is the gaping hole that remains in me. I carry it wherever I go. So...I know... the Lord is good, He will see me through. "Daddy" and I are on a new adventure together, but Daddy, right now, I just need you to pull the motorcycle and sidecar over to the side of the road, and I need you to hold me, and tell me it will be OK. Then we can drive on together.... OK?


...until next time...

Marilou, I miss you...

February 28, 2012- Mid-Night Grief?

It is actually 1:12 AM. I  have already had my good cry, and the kleenex to prove it are on the floor and a couple on the bed beside  me.  Seems like I wake up a lot this time of night lately. And then about 4 AM or so. The song that is going over an over in my head is, "I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my  burdens down at  your feet. And anytime, I don't know... what to do... I just cast all my cares upon you." Well, that's kinda what I've been doing here. crying out... wiping my nose... the usual stuff.

I think the buggest thing tonight is just there is so, so, so much to do. So many things to decide, and it's really HARD when you have to make those decisions all by yourself. With the conflicting answers about visas, who do I believe, which way to I turn? I don't have $200 to pay a lawyer tell my my options about the house. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this stuff....!!  I don't know!  And I don't feel like I can make those kinds of decisions all by myself. And the list goes on... into the night.

I've cried, I'm writing, I'm tired again now... maybe this time.
But there is so much to think about... the two biggest things that have to be done for me to get to Brazil, is the house and the visa. And this was one of those nights when I felt so totally overwhelmed with it all.

Daddy is so Good.!! Really, our relationship has been amazing... He is so patient with me. He is not the one that is thinking I should be about over this stuff. I know sometimes I do, and I'm pretty sure there are some folks I deal with who figure that, but don't want to say too much.  It's only been six months, coming up on March 3. Jeez, I can't even sometimes get my head around what has happened, let alone "be ok with it" after six whole months.

It's a time full of contradictions. On one hand, I am "unfettered." Meaning there are really no things that keep me from doing what I feel the Lord tells me to do. "Foot loose and Fancy free" as they used to say. Kind of an interesting time to live in... to think about anyway. No one to ask permission from. No one to check in with. Cool, right? sure in some sense, but also it means that there is no one there to ask things of. no one there to discuss things with. Kinda works both ways, at least right now.

The wonderful thing that I have been offered t be adopted...well asked to join a church I have been attending here. The pastor sat across the table from me at Starucks and said "You need a family." And he is so right. I DO need a family... close. A family I can lean on and trust and dry with. I don't know actually if they know all they bargained for ...  yet, but its nice.

So the midnight grief monster struck tonight.... but there is also the trying to figure out how to function well as the "footloose ad fancy free old guy." And wondering how all the pieces for Brazil are going to come together. Soooooo many things to get ready.. my website... you know how long it takes to learn a new system?????  Believe me a lot of time.

So I am getting sleepy again, I hope that portends better things ahead. At least in the rest department. I also realized this week, I dress like an old dad... or something... I need help getting up to date.
I like it, it's fun. I'm up for fun... then there are those times after pushing myself for so long... it has to come out somewhere, and here on my bed at 1:00 am is as good as any.

...Till  next time.....