It is actually 1:12 AM. I have already had my good cry, and the kleenex to prove it are on the floor and a couple on the bed beside me. Seems like I wake up a lot this time of night lately. And then about 4 AM or so. The song that is going over an over in my head is, "I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And anytime, I don't know... what to do... I just cast all my cares upon you." Well, that's kinda what I've been doing here. crying out... wiping my nose... the usual stuff.
I think the buggest thing tonight is just there is so, so, so much to do. So many things to decide, and it's really HARD when you have to make those decisions all by yourself. With the conflicting answers about visas, who do I believe, which way to I turn? I don't have $200 to pay a lawyer tell my my options about the house. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this stuff....!! I don't know! And I don't feel like I can make those kinds of decisions all by myself. And the list goes on... into the night.
I've cried, I'm writing, I'm tired again now... maybe this time.
But there is so much to think about... the two biggest things that have to be done for me to get to Brazil, is the house and the visa. And this was one of those nights when I felt so totally overwhelmed with it all.
Daddy is so Good.!! Really, our relationship has been amazing... He is so patient with me. He is not the one that is thinking I should be about over this stuff. I know sometimes I do, and I'm pretty sure there are some folks I deal with who figure that, but don't want to say too much. It's only been six months, coming up on March 3. Jeez, I can't even sometimes get my head around what has happened, let alone "be ok with it" after six whole months.
It's a time full of contradictions. On one hand, I am "unfettered." Meaning there are really no things that keep me from doing what I feel the Lord tells me to do. "Foot loose and Fancy free" as they used to say. Kind of an interesting time to live in... to think about anyway. No one to ask permission from. No one to check in with. Cool, right? sure in some sense, but also it means that there is no one there to ask things of. no one there to discuss things with. Kinda works both ways, at least right now.
The wonderful thing that I have been offered t be adopted...well asked to join a church I have been attending here. The pastor sat across the table from me at Starucks and said "You need a family." And he is so right. I DO need a family... close. A family I can lean on and trust and dry with. I don't know actually if they know all they bargained for ... yet, but its nice.
So the midnight grief monster struck tonight.... but there is also the trying to figure out how to function well as the "footloose ad fancy free old guy." And wondering how all the pieces for Brazil are going to come together. Soooooo many things to get ready.. my website... you know how long it takes to learn a new system????? Believe me a lot of time.
So I am getting sleepy again, I hope that portends better things ahead. At least in the rest department. I also realized this week, I dress like an old dad... or something... I need help getting up to date.
I like it, it's fun. I'm up for fun... then there are those times after pushing myself for so long... it has to come out somewhere, and here on my bed at 1:00 am is as good as any.
...Till next time.....
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