Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

Two Years, and the Journey Continues…

 Today, September 3, 2013 marks the two year anniversary of the home-going of Marilou. I am finding it very difficult to find words to express all of the varied things that are going on inside

As would be expected, the “grief clock” keeps perfect time, and the past week or so has been an ebb and flow of the tides of remembrance. Memories that come like a high tide, and then ebb away, and another washes up on shore.

 

But it is true, at this two year mark things are different. I am not “filled” with grief. I have memories, and some feelings, but they are not overwhelming. Sometimes strong. Last night at my English class, I played for the class the song by Matt Redman, “10,0000 Reasons.” The last stanza says, 

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come

As we sang those words, there was the start of a tear in my eyes, but because we were in class, that was quickly controlled. But overall… remembrances…

Now, at the two year mark those remembrances are being tempered with this new life that I am living. New experiences, new friendships, a whole new and different life. So it’s a bit of a strange kind of mixture. The realization that a 40 year season of my life is past. I have many memories… those years shaped who I am, but this new season of my life I am determined to live to the fullest with all the energy and faith that the Lord will grant me. There are new ministries here, new cultures, new challenges and new relationships. 

And so, amazingly enough, the writer of Ecclesiastes was correct when he wrote: 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:

And so, again, I am in this weird place of remembrances of a past season that had it’s time, and a new season that is coming into full bloom.

 The common thread between the two is that in both seasons, my desire is to serve the Lord with all my heart and soul, and strength and mind for the glory of His Name. I don’t always succeed, but it is my all-consuming goal that on that day when I stand before my Lord, I will hear from His own lips, “Well done, Steve!”

 

To that end, I embrace a new season, here in the Land of Firsts.

Thanks for walking along with me….

Until next time…

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Dois anos , ea viagem continua ...

 Hoje, 03 de setembro de 2013 marca o segundo aniversário da morte de Marilou . Eu estou achando muito difícil encontrar palavras para expressar todas as coisas variadas que estão acontecendo dentroComo seria de esperar , o " relógio pesar " mantém o tempo perfeito, e na semana passada ou assim tem sido um fluxo e refluxo das marés de recordação. As memórias que vêm como uma maré alta, e , em seguida, refluxo de distância, e outro lava -se em terra.

 Mas é verdade , a estas duas coisas marca do ano são diferentes. Eu não estou "cheio " com tristeza. Tenho lembranças , e alguns sentimentos , mas eles não são esmagadoras. Às vezes forte . Ontem à noite, minha aula de Inglês , eu joguei para a classe a canção de Matt Redman , " 10.0000 razões . " A última estrofe diz:

 E no dia em que a minha força está falhandoO fim se aproxima ea minha hora chegou

 Como cantamos essas palavras , houve o início de uma lágrima nos meus olhos , mas porque estávamos em aula, que foi rapidamente controlado . Mas no geral ... lembranças ...

 Agora , aos dois anos as lembranças estão sendo temperado com esta nova vida que estou vivendo . Novas experiências , novas amizades, uma vida nova e diferente . Por isso, é um pouco de um estranho tipo de mistura . A percepção de que a temporada da minha vida 40 anos é passado. Tenho muitas lembranças ... os anos moldaram quem eu sou , mas esta nova temporada da minha vida eu estou determinado a viver ao máximo com toda a energia e fé de que o Senhor me concede . 

 Há novos ministérios aqui , novas culturas , novos desafios e novos relacionamentos .

 E assim, surpreendentemente, o escritor de Eclesiastes estava correto quando escreveu:

 Eclesiastes 3:01 Para tudo há um tempo , um tempo para todo propósito debaixo do céu :E assim , mais uma vez , eu estou neste lugar estranho de lembranças de uma época passada que tinha na hora, e uma nova temporada que está chegando em plena floração.

  O ponto em comum entre os dois é que, em ambas as estações , o meu desejo é servir ao Senhor com todo o meu coração e alma, mente e força, e para a glória do Seu Nome. Eu nem sempre bem-sucedida, mas é o meu objetivo de todos os consumidores que naquele dia, quando estou diante de meu Senhor , eu vou ouvir de seus próprios lábios : "Bem feito , Steve! "

 Para esse fim, abraçar uma nova temporada, aqui na Terra de Firsts .

 Obrigado por caminhar junto comigo ....Até a próxima vez ...

Walking Through the Land of Firsts: Signposts of Time...

I posted a new entry on my blog, "Walking Through the Land of Firsts," called Signposts of Time... I invite you to read and walk along...

http://thelandoffirsts.blogspot.com.br/

Signposts of Time...

We are familiar with the phrase, "Time marches on" for indeed time continues to proceed through all our various experiences of life... even here in the Land of Firsts.

Today I am struck by the interesting way God has of making signposts for us along the way. In the Old Testament, God gave the Israelites feasts and festivals to commemorate certain events and special times in their corporate lives. The Feast of Passover to remember when God passed over those who had obeyed and sprinkled the blood on the door posts, for example. These are meant to remind us of the faithfulness of God in our lives, so that we never forget His goodness, and so that as we march into the future, we remember that He is good, all the time.

 
Sometimes those signposts have an interesting way of lining up. I am reminded of that today, July 30th. 

Two years ago today, Marilou and I rented a truck, recruited a noble band of volunteers and spent the day loading a moving truck to take our furniture and belongings from an apartment to our new house in Monroe, Washington. That morning, while we were loading the truck,

Marilou went to the doctor to have a further blood test done, then came back and helped us move. That night, July 30th was our first night in our new home. So beautiful and so peaceful. Just 35 days later, she would leave that house, and her earthly body for her eternal home with Jesus. I have often explained that even though our time in that house was so short, it was all for her. To give her a peaceful, comfortable environment for her last month on this earth.



But you see, time marches on, and God gives us signposts along the way. It was one year ago today that I was in San Francisco, California at the Brazilian Consulate to present my application for a Missionary Visa to Brazil. Most of the month of 2012 had been spent in preparation for this day.
I had been told that the process would take a long time.

Yet, when I sat there at the window, the gal took my paperwork, went to the back for about five minutes, returned to the window and told me I should have my visa within ten days!!  I received it on the ninth day!







Today, July 30th I am here in Brazil as Pastor of Intercession at First Baptist Church in Valentina, Joao Pessoa, Brazil, and I have a very good friend who is having an interview with Bishop Simone of the church which could have major implications for my life here.

The Signposts of Time. God gives us these remembrances to help us never to forget that He is good, and He is faithful. Some of the events we remember carry with them painful memories. Other events are full of praise and rejoicing, and hope. but with everyone of these signposts, we  have the opportunity to remember not just the event of the past, but the God who promises us that He will never leave us for forsake us. That even through the vally of the shadow of death, He is with us, He carries  us, He guides us, He covers us. And He promises us a future that is full of hope as we trust in Him.

Today, whatever you may be facing... you can trust in God. Today, perhaps, He is making for you a Signpost of Time for you to remember in the years ahead.

That's is from here in the Land of Firsts.... 'till next time...

The Clock is Ticking...

It's actually quite amazing... I have mentioned it before, but today, June 25, 2013, my grief clock is ticking away.

It actually started yesterday... this sense of loss, that empty feeling kept coming back. At first it was a bit mysterious. Lately I have been having those increasing feelings of the emptiness inside. A realization that I "don't have someone" kind of sweeps over me from time to time. And it has been increasing in recent days. I just kind of figured I needed to "get a grip," you know?

So I began to do a little "investigating." And behold, the countdown has begun. What countdown? The countdown toward Marilou's death. What is it about today? Today, two years ago, June 25, 2011, Marilou and I signed the papers to buy the house in Monroe, Washington. At the time, it seemed as if God had put all the pieces together for us to get that house. And He had indeed. There were so many ways we saw the Lords hand in every detail. And it was on this day that the purchase papers were signed. Thus begins the countdown clock.

The next month for us would be packing and preparing to move from our apartment. And it would also begin the fall of the dominoes in rapid succession leading to the end. During the month of July she was packing and working hard, and feeling more and more tired. Dealing with what at the time seemed like a case of reflux. She went to the doctor the first part of July, and he recommended an ultrasound. That happened on July 27th.

It was also three years ago, this July that we took our three week trip to Brazil to pray and seek the face of God. It was that trip that prepared her for what she would face the next year.


So here I am, in this land of firsts, the countdown clock within my spirit has started. Without my really initiating anything, my inner person "knew" that this is that season of the final countdown. I wonder if that is so I can prepare myself for the feelings that will come, or whether "preparing" is not as good as just "letting." Letting the feelings flow as they come, or trying to prepare myself for what I know will be the inevitable depth of feeling that comes with the remembering, the memories, the feelings.

My suspicion is that it will be a little of both, right? Even now, almost two years later, it is hard sometimes to imagine that it all really happened. It all get's jumbled up between reality and memories, and present feelings. But it's another part of this journey through this strange land. Almost a little like Alice in Wonderland, when you are not sure what is real, and what is not.

Each milestone finds me at a little different place. Now is not the gripping, biting, agonizing grief of 21 months ago. It's more subdued... more linked with deeper feelings and memories, but still very real. It's just plain weird. Coming up, two years... hard to imagine... all the changes in my life. All that I miss of what we had. All I can only hold on to in the tenuous grip of memories. But that's all I have  now... memories. And now memories of the countdown of two years ago. House buying, packing and moving, doctors visits, and then gone so suddenly.  Well, I'd better stop now... duties call, and live is waiting....

Thanks for walking with me through this Land of Firsts...

'till next time...

More Firsts and Other Mileposts...

Part of learning to walk through the Land of Firsts, is discovering the fact that there will always be Firsts before you... things that are new for you in this Land.

And there are other milestones that you encounter along the way that you learn how to recognize and move on. All a part of the Adventure!

This year I had a new First... my first birthday in Brazil... and my first ever birthday party on the beach!  How great is that!?

That night at church was also a special time when they recognized my birthday with some special gifts and presentations... it was special and humbling.
I am surrounded by people who accept and love me, and I live in a place that is beautiful. The Lord is good, and I am reminded many times how blessed I am to be here. This season of my life is one that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams.

Another first... In April we completed our first ever "Missions" trip to the USA, telling the story of the transformation of Algodao de Jandairea. I considered it a part of the ministry of Your Servant in Christ Ministries to share the story and inspire other communities with the message of transforming revival. Bishops Eneas and Simone from First Baptist Church, Valentine went with me and the Lord blessed in many ways.

 They had a little taste of American church life and American culture and food. They also had a little taste of my world trying to fit in, and understand in the midst of learning a new language.(Nice contrast between the beach and the snow, eh?)

Another First... a first for my whole life of 65 years,,, after much prayer, introspection and counsel, I had to break off a relationship that just was not right for me in this time. It was difficult and the first time ever I have had to do that. There were a lot of things that went into that decision, but much of it had to do with being self-aware of who I am and where I am on this journey ata this time. It was not easy, but it was necessary.
I have much healing to do yet. As I was reflecting, I realized in a fresh way that in the 20 months since Marilou passed away, I have not really had a lot of time to discover ... "Who AM I?"  Immediately after Marilou passed, I began to work hard to finish my book so that I could bring it down to Brazil in December. The whole year of 2012 was a blur of preparing to move here to Brazil... selling my (our) possessions, applying for the Visa, so many arrangements, then moving here in October of 2012, and since then the huge job of language study and cultural adaptation. I had tears in my eyes as I realized how precious little time I  have had to just try to figure out who I am now in this Land of Firsts. I need time.

Not only are there Firsts here in this Land, but there are Milestones that I pass along the way. May 20th would have been Marilou and my 41st  Wedding Anniversary. Again, I was struck by how much of my life was lived with and affected by this one person. The vast majority of my life has been touched and shaped by that relationship... now I am "on my own" and trying to discover in a different way who I am. A journey of self-discovery at age 65.... you have to smile!!

And so, walking through this Land of Firsts is never really finished, is it? New challenges, New experiences, Milestones along the way all make the Adventure one that necessitates my being in tune with the Lord, listening to Him, being aware, and obedient. And knowing that He is always faithful.

Hey... It's an Adventure after all!!

Thanks for walking along for a while...

'till next time...

Intense...

 That is about the only way to describe the sense of isolation that I am feeling in these days...

This sense of isolation is the product of a number of contributing factors...
 -- March 3rd was the 18 month anniversary of Marilou's passing
     -- March 9th would have been Marilou's 66th birthday
     -- I have recently had some very crushing disappointments that have left my heart broken and left me struggling not to give in to unrealistic expectation.
     --  Although most of the time I feel like I am making "moderate" progress with the language, when all the above are added to the issues of isolation because of language, the situation grows more intense. When you try your best and they still say, "I don't understand." you wonder sometimes if you will every get it.
    --  There is in reality no one here with whom I can share... there are times when you just miss sitting down with a friend who can listen and understand. I do not have that here at this time.
     --  Not having transportation, and not having folks near to help me learn... my language is not enough to get me many places, but I need to try harder.

There are other issues and thought that crowd into my mind...
     -- March 3rd was Sunday.... I was so occupied on that day, that honestly, I didn't even realize it was the 18 month anniversary. So then I try to figure if I should be feeling guilty for not remembering, or if that is a sign that I am "kind of" moving on?  I honestly don't know.


     --  I don't know if a close intimate relationship is in God's plan for me, so I am wanting to really focus on His sufficiency for me. He spoke to me during one worship service and reminded me that He is enough.
     --  The lack of companionship after 39 years can be pretty intense. You get used to having someone to just talk to about "stuff."

So, this is part of the "Land of Firsts" too... the isolation is not a "First" but each time it becomes intense, it feels like another first.
 What do you do in these situations?  You remember the Truth.

  One time I wrote in the margin of my Bible at Psalm 63:2 these words: "Don't doubt on the battlefield what you've seen in the Sanctuary."
Psalm 63:1-2 states: 
A Psalm of David when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You In a dry and thirsty land Where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory.



So, I remember the words from the Sanctuary... "I am enough" "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want"  "You shall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side." (Psalm 71:21)

Another leg on this journey of "Walking Through the Land of Firsts."

Thanks for listening....and walking along for a while...

'til next time....

In The Cocoon...

In The Cocoon.

I was struggling to figure out a "Title" for this entry... and nothing seemed to fit.
I have been reading and studying today from Isaiah 35: 3-4 -

Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful-hearted, "Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you.

Today was another one of those days when unexpected feelings come flooding over me. I was looking through the myriads of pictures that I have stored on a couple different hard drives, thinking that I should try to organize all these pictures, but wondering how I will find time for that massive task.

But as I was looking at pictures from the past decades, it struck me again, as it has in past days, that all that is gone...
My life as I knew it... gone.
My wife of nearly 40 years... gone.
My possessions... all but a very few here... gone.
The things that I used to be comfortable with ... gone.
My sense of security ... gone.
And the list could go on...

The picture that has come to me over and over again in these past weeks has been that of the caterpillar in the cocoon. That caterpillar attaches itself to a twig, spins the cocoon, and thin inside that cocoon, everything that was the caterpillar dissolves. Nothing of the former life is recognizable. I feel like I am that caterpillar in the cocoon. The only difference is, that I don't imagine the caterpillar has any consciousness of the changes that are happening. (I don't know, I'm just guessing here...) but I am fully conscious of all from my former life that has dissolved before my eyes. And I am still in the place where the butterfly hasn't developed enough to recognize that there is an end to this... a beautiful end. I am still in the cocoon. All seems to be a dissolved mess...

There are a ton of factors that go into feeling this way... language issues...which gets into the whole communications / or lack thereof... lifestyle/cultural issues... what I call being in a continuous state of uncertainty... never being certain if what you think you know/understand/heard is REALLY true or not. Limitations that were once only inconveniences are now continuous. The last time I drove a car was October  25th  2012... unheard of before this. And there is still the issue of living with "resident grief." Grief over the loss of Marilou, grief over the "loss" of a life we once had, grief over a season of my life that is past. I miss her, all those things...

BUT...

The Lord says... strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble knees... why? Because the Lord will come.. open the eyes, make streams in the desert, the ransomed of the Lord will return with singing...

Now, don't get me wrong... all of the above is mixed with the love and acceptance of my new friends and family here in Brazil. I am continually reminded of how blessed I am to be here. It's that mixture again, of all these ingredients together. So as I walk through this Land of Firsts... I'm hacking my way through some pretty dense jungle right now.. never been this way before... I'm having to hack my way to make a new trail... but I know that somewhere ahead of me is a good place. I'm marching ahead because I believe the Lord has more for me in the future. He will be faithful to His promises.

In the few short weeks I have been here... 12 now... He has shown me amazing grace and blessing and I know He will fulfill the last part of His promise to me from Psalm 71: 20-21 ...

You,...shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side

I know I am not where I will be...  I know He is forming me and making me new...the process is not easy...

I may be in the cocoon, but the butterfly is coming!!!

'till next time...

em Português ....

No casulo.

Eu estava lutando para descobrir um "título" para esta entrada ... e nada parecia se encaixar.Tenho estado a ler e estudar hoje de Isaías 35: 3-4 -


Fortalecei as mãos fracas, e firmar os joelhos vacilantes. Dizer para aqueles que estão com medo de coração, "Seja forte, não temo Eis o vosso Deus virá com vingança, com recompensa de Deus;! Ele virá e vos salvará.


Hoje foi mais um daqueles dias em que sentimentos inesperados vêm inundando sobre mim. Eu estava olhando através das miríades de fotos que eu tenha armazenado em um par de diferentes discos rígidos, pensando que eu deveria tentar organizar todas essas imagens, mas querendo saber como vou encontrar tempo para essa tarefa enorme.Mas como eu estava olhando fotos das últimas décadas, ocorreu-me outra vez, como tem acontecido nos últimos dias, 

que tudo o que se -  foi ...

Minha vida como eu sabia que ... foi.

Minha esposa de quase 40 anos ... foi.

Meus bens ... todos, mas muito poucos aqui ... foi.

As coisas que eu costumava estar confortável com ... foi.

Meu senso de segurança ... foi.

E a lista poderia continuar ...


A imagem que me veio uma e outra vez nestas últimas semanas tem sido a da lagarta no casulo. Lagarta que se anexa a um galho, gira o casulo, e dentro fina que casulo, tudo o que era a lagarta se dissolve. Nada da vida anterior é reconhecível. Eu sinto que eu sou o que lagarta no casulo. A única diferença é que eu não imagino a lagarta tem qualquer consciência das mudanças que estão acontecendo. (Eu não sei, eu só estou supondo aqui ...), mas estou plenamente consciente de tudo da minha vida anterior que se dissolveu diante dos meus olhos. E eu ainda estou no lugar onde a borboleta não se desenvolveu o suficiente para reconhecer que há um fim para isso ... um belo fim. Eu ainda estou no casulo. Tudo parece ser uma bagunça dissolvido 


...Há uma tonelada de fatores que vão para se sentir assim ... questões linguísticas ... que fica nas comunicações inteiros / ou a falta dela ... estilo de vida / questões culturais ... o que eu chamo de estar em um estado contínuo de incerteza ... nunca estar certo se o que você acha que sabe / entender / ouvido é realmente verdade ou não. Limitações que antes eram apenas inconvenientes são agora contínuo. A última vez que eu dirigi um carro era 25 de outubro de 2012 ... inédito antes. E ainda há a questão de viver com "tristeza residente." Luto pela perda de Marilou, dor durante a "perda" de uma vida que já tivemos, dor durante uma época de minha vida que é passado. Eu sinto falta dela, todas essas coisas ...

MAS ...

O Senhor diz: ... Fortalecei as mãos fracas e firmar os joelhos vacilantes ... por quê? 

Porque o Senhor virá .. abrir os olhos, fazer correntes no deserto, os resgatados do Senhor voltará com cânticos ...

Agora, não me leve a mal ... todos os itens acima é misturado com o amor ea aceitação dos meus novos amigos e família aqui no Brasil. Estou continuamente lembrado de como era abençoada por estar aqui. É essa mistura de novo, de todos esses ingredientes juntos. 

Então, como eu andar por esta Terra de Estreias ... Eu estou cortando meu caminho através de alguma selva muito densa agora .. nunca foi assim antes ... Eu estou tendo que cortar o meu caminho para fazer um novo caminho ... mas eu sei que em algum lugar antes de mim é um bom lugar. Estou marchando à frente, porque eu creio que o Senhor tem mais para mim no futuro. 

Ele será fiel às Suas promessas.Nas poucas semanas que estou aqui ... 12 agora ... Ele mostrou-me maravilhosa graça e bênção e sei que Ele vai cumprir a última parte de sua promessa de me do Salmo 71: 20-21 ...

Você, ... deve me reviver novamente, e me trazer de novo a partir das profundezas da terra. Você deve aumentar a minha grandeza, conforta-me de todos os lados

Eu sei que não estou onde será ... Eu sei que Ele está se formando me e fazendo-me novo ... o processo não é fácil ...Posso estar no casulo,

 mas a borboleta está chegando!'

Até a próxima vez.