"Conflicting Realities" - That's about the only term that I can come up with to try to describe what has been racing through my mind and heart these past days. They are like parallel universes that I am supposed to be living in all at the same time.
Loss - No matter how anybody puts it, the reality of the sense of loss is everywhere. Every part of life reflects this sense of loss. The simplest things are constantly overshadowed by the reality that the one that I should be sharing this with, or talking to about this is no longer there. It's kind of like the character in the Charlie Brown cartoons who always had this cloud hanging over his head. That is about as close as I can get to trying to describe it. It's not something I "wish" to have there. It's not even something I "intend" to have there... it's just THERE! I get to the point where I wish that cloud would just go away, but it doesn't. It's not that I "conjure up" this cloud over me...but from the time I wake up in the morning until I lay myself down again alone at night, this reality of loss is with me. I don't know if you ever get over that. I suppose it is just like a ill-fitting pair of shoes, you get used to them hurting, and just keep walking. The "gaping hole" that I described at an earlier time... I suppose it's always a hole. I just have to learn to live with this hole in my side. I am reminded of it every day. I see a couple walk into the store together and I remember. I get mail addressed to her... the insurance salesman comes to the door to talk to her about medicare.... OH MY GOD!! I really was nice to him... he had no idea, until I told him. I thought I let him ease out of the situation nicely. But it's just another reminder of what I don't have anymore.
Life - The other reality that I have to live in, is that life just keeps on going. Days start, work demands, people live, days end and life goes on. At this point in the journey, it is still a bit difficult for me to keep up with the pace of things. I still feel like I'm going in slow motion. My mind is clouded and my thinking processes are not as fast, so when some "issue" comes up, I am not able to handle it like I used to. That happened this week. Something that I probably could have at least handled more easily, became a virtual knock out punch. Life goes on, but my ability to deal with the other issues of life are weakened.
There's another part of this "reality" of life that is hard to describe. I feel like, by now, everyone is really tired of all of this and they just secretly wish I'd get over it and move on. HA! That's how I feel!! I am tired of my living in all of this, and I wish I would just get over it and move on!!! But I'm trying to figure out how I can live successfully in these parallel realities. Life just goes on whether I'm ready to keep up or not.
Lessons - I'm not sure how else to name this third reality I'm supposed to be living in. It's related to what I just said. Somehow, I am supposed to, and I want to... learn "valuable life lessons" from all of this. It almost makes me laugh to say it. Like the real "spiritual" thing to do is to develop from this time, some great, deep and insightful things to share with others. Now, don't get me wrong. I actually really want to learn from the things that the Lord wants to teach me. I actually started doing a study from Scripture of what kind of man the Lord would want me to be as I walk ahead with Him. So, I want to learn, I want to grow, I want that perhaps some of these things could be a help to others. It's just that right now, I feel like it's way too early,. Today was seven weeks since Marilou died... right here in our house...forty-nine short days ago, she slipped out of this reality, and from my life, and that may seem a long time to some folks, and it's kind of hard for me to grasp, but maybe, just maybe I'm not ready for any deep spiritual lessons. Maybe I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are!
So here I am... trying to live in these parallel universes of reality. How am I doing? I think I'm doing OK. For someone who is straddling three mutually exclusive, yet intertwined universes. Figure that one out! I suppose given the fact that I wrote all of this without my eyes welling up and overflowing with tears is a good sign. I guess.
...till next time.
.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
October 22, 2011 - "Bigger Things"
It was an interesting night tonight... One of those "encounter" kind of things.
The day was great. Esther and Tony came over, we had lunch together and walked Steve the dog... yea, their dog's name is Steve.... then we came home and had some hot chocolate together, and they went home. I am so very, very glad they are close... it would be a lot harder if I didn't have any family around here. I can't imagine how that would be
Evening came and I have been trying to make it a habit of attending the Saturday evening worship with the folks of Monroe Community Chapel. Then I can be free to visit with the other churches on Sunday mornings. I like having the "bigger" family of God in the city.
Pastor Scott McClure has been preaching on our seeking after the Father's heart. At the end of the message he challenged us to surrender to Christ. And it was like the "raindrops keep falling from my eyes" theme all over again. The Lord was speaking so clearly to me in all of His gentleness, grace and love... "Steve, you have to surrender to me your wondering why." It was the theme of the GriefShare group on Wednesday, and now here it was again. Only now, with infinite mercy, the Lord was asking me if I would surrender to him that great big lump in my chest... the thing that makes me cry out in agony more than anything else... "Lord, I don't understand what's happened... I don't understand!!!"
It's not like I have been holding this against God. I'm not angry. It's just that everything happened so fast, and whizzed by like a shot, and now I'm 42 days from the time she left. It seems to long ago, yet so fresh, so new, so unknown. There are times when I can hardly grasp that she is not here. I miss her so, very much, and now...
After the service was over, Pastor Scott must have seen I was in distress. Of course I was crying and blowing my nose through the whole closing prayer... that's kind of a dead give-away! And then, he asked how I'm doing. I just could not hold it back. He was very kind and prayed with me. It was a tender moment. I needed that. Thanks Pastor Scott.
There are two things here that now I'm trying to get into my "being." First, I know I will not have the answer to my question of why. I know that. And even in those moments when I am tearfully crying out to Him in the darkness of my alone-ness, I really don't expect Him to tell me why. But here it was, the question, "Steve, will you surrender your 'why' to me?" Yes, Lord... the best I know how, I surrender my "why's" my "I don't understand" to you. Help me to leave it with you.
The other thing that I was struck with this evening, even before the end of the message, and all the "why" stuff. It was like the Lord reminding me that as big as my grief may seem right now. As "in my face" as the loss is at this point in time, there is something bigger. That something bigger is...Him, His love, His plans, His will.
It's kind of like when you have something that is right at the end of your nose...your hand or whatever... at that moment it takes up all of your vision. You can't see anything else except that thing that is right in your face (remember what I said earlier?) So even when the dark shadow of grief is "in my face" there are bigger things. I just need to be able to recognize that truth, count on it in the "in your face" times, and remember that His bigger things are far greater than I can imagine, if I will surrender myself to Him, His purposes, His grace, His love, into His all-knowing, all-loving hands.
The tears tonight at church, and even as I write (it's hard to see the keyboard through the tears you know) were not only about the surrender of the "why's," but was also a response to how gently and tenderly He asked me. How can I refuse you, Lord? Your love and mercy are overwhelming even in this time, and yes, I surrender to you my "why's" and my lack of understanding. I surrender all of this to you so that you can use whatever of this you want for your... BIGGER THINGS.
And Lord... give me strength to surrender it all again.... tomorrow.
The day was great. Esther and Tony came over, we had lunch together and walked Steve the dog... yea, their dog's name is Steve.... then we came home and had some hot chocolate together, and they went home. I am so very, very glad they are close... it would be a lot harder if I didn't have any family around here. I can't imagine how that would be
Evening came and I have been trying to make it a habit of attending the Saturday evening worship with the folks of Monroe Community Chapel. Then I can be free to visit with the other churches on Sunday mornings. I like having the "bigger" family of God in the city.
Pastor Scott McClure has been preaching on our seeking after the Father's heart. At the end of the message he challenged us to surrender to Christ. And it was like the "raindrops keep falling from my eyes" theme all over again. The Lord was speaking so clearly to me in all of His gentleness, grace and love... "Steve, you have to surrender to me your wondering why." It was the theme of the GriefShare group on Wednesday, and now here it was again. Only now, with infinite mercy, the Lord was asking me if I would surrender to him that great big lump in my chest... the thing that makes me cry out in agony more than anything else... "Lord, I don't understand what's happened... I don't understand!!!"
It's not like I have been holding this against God. I'm not angry. It's just that everything happened so fast, and whizzed by like a shot, and now I'm 42 days from the time she left. It seems to long ago, yet so fresh, so new, so unknown. There are times when I can hardly grasp that she is not here. I miss her so, very much, and now...
After the service was over, Pastor Scott must have seen I was in distress. Of course I was crying and blowing my nose through the whole closing prayer... that's kind of a dead give-away! And then, he asked how I'm doing. I just could not hold it back. He was very kind and prayed with me. It was a tender moment. I needed that. Thanks Pastor Scott.
There are two things here that now I'm trying to get into my "being." First, I know I will not have the answer to my question of why. I know that. And even in those moments when I am tearfully crying out to Him in the darkness of my alone-ness, I really don't expect Him to tell me why. But here it was, the question, "Steve, will you surrender your 'why' to me?" Yes, Lord... the best I know how, I surrender my "why's" my "I don't understand" to you. Help me to leave it with you.
The other thing that I was struck with this evening, even before the end of the message, and all the "why" stuff. It was like the Lord reminding me that as big as my grief may seem right now. As "in my face" as the loss is at this point in time, there is something bigger. That something bigger is...Him, His love, His plans, His will.
It's kind of like when you have something that is right at the end of your nose...your hand or whatever... at that moment it takes up all of your vision. You can't see anything else except that thing that is right in your face (remember what I said earlier?) So even when the dark shadow of grief is "in my face" there are bigger things. I just need to be able to recognize that truth, count on it in the "in your face" times, and remember that His bigger things are far greater than I can imagine, if I will surrender myself to Him, His purposes, His grace, His love, into His all-knowing, all-loving hands.
The tears tonight at church, and even as I write (it's hard to see the keyboard through the tears you know) were not only about the surrender of the "why's," but was also a response to how gently and tenderly He asked me. How can I refuse you, Lord? Your love and mercy are overwhelming even in this time, and yes, I surrender to you my "why's" and my lack of understanding. I surrender all of this to you so that you can use whatever of this you want for your... BIGGER THINGS.
And Lord... give me strength to surrender it all again.... tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011 -- "Good Days - What they look like"
Good days...
They are what we all want. But what does a good day look like from this perspective? A good question.
My immediate answer would be to say that a good day is when you don't break down and sob somewhere embarrassing. A good day is when you only cry a couple times. For me the hardest time is at those dark hours before going to sleep, when the house is dark (to conserve on electricity I walk around at night with my flashlight to avoid turning on lights - crazy?) and your thoughts turn to what isn't anymore. That's probably the lonliest time of the day.
But, back to good days.
A good day is when you feel like you are starting to feel that you can make it like this. It's a strange kind of realism. You sense that if you can keep pushing ahead and keep your thoughts under control, things will get better. It's hard to describe because it's a combination of a feeling of hope, mixed with a feeling of anticipation and at the same time a feeling of guilt. Guilt that you might not always be feeling these depths of grieve all the time. And somehow you're supposed to. You know that's not true, but the thinking is still there.
A good day is when you successfully manage to get everything on your shopping list and don't start tearing up when you start to think about what she would tell you to buy. She had diabetes, so rightfully so, all our menu was built around a diabetic diet. Well no more, baby! Well, maybe without the exclamation point. It means that I learned a lot from her about how to eat healthy, and I still am trying to do that.. but I do get to treat myself once in a while.
Admittedly, a good day is one that is full of activity and busyness, so that thoughts don't wander much. But that's ok too. At first, it's just so hard to focus on anything for long, so to spend a whole day when you are focusing on duties and job and activities really is a first in this Land of Firsts.
A good day is when you can sit across the desk from the gal at the bank and not get tears in your eyes as she reads the death certificate, and closes out her bank accounts. When you can sit there and make conversation with a smile on your face, and try real hard not to have a "victim" look on your face. Don't knock it 'till you have to try it!
A good day is when you can get through a long Saturday of doing laundry, and vacuuming and crushing to bits all those pills that she never used. Disposing of them actually in some way feels like you are throwing away a part of her. A good day is when you can remember giving her those meds without losing it because they remind you of what you lost.
A good day is when you take that bag of clothes you were going to take to Goodwill out of your trunk and take them back inside the house, and hang up one of her favorite t-shirts and her ball cap... just to remember...and you ONLY tear up a little.
Yea, a good day is really a matter of perspective. But the Lord says that His mercies are new every morning, so you count on that. A good day is when you are receiving more strength from the Lord than you could have imagined, and it makes you feel like, "Yea, we can do this."
A good day is when you have those little feelings that people really do survive and even thrive in this Land of Firsts, and that with the Lord's help you want to walk strong, and keep true to Him.
There have been some good days since my last post, and that helps realize that you can have more good days ahead.
....till later
They are what we all want. But what does a good day look like from this perspective? A good question.
My immediate answer would be to say that a good day is when you don't break down and sob somewhere embarrassing. A good day is when you only cry a couple times. For me the hardest time is at those dark hours before going to sleep, when the house is dark (to conserve on electricity I walk around at night with my flashlight to avoid turning on lights - crazy?) and your thoughts turn to what isn't anymore. That's probably the lonliest time of the day.
But, back to good days.
A good day is when you feel like you are starting to feel that you can make it like this. It's a strange kind of realism. You sense that if you can keep pushing ahead and keep your thoughts under control, things will get better. It's hard to describe because it's a combination of a feeling of hope, mixed with a feeling of anticipation and at the same time a feeling of guilt. Guilt that you might not always be feeling these depths of grieve all the time. And somehow you're supposed to. You know that's not true, but the thinking is still there.
A good day is when you successfully manage to get everything on your shopping list and don't start tearing up when you start to think about what she would tell you to buy. She had diabetes, so rightfully so, all our menu was built around a diabetic diet. Well no more, baby! Well, maybe without the exclamation point. It means that I learned a lot from her about how to eat healthy, and I still am trying to do that.. but I do get to treat myself once in a while.
Admittedly, a good day is one that is full of activity and busyness, so that thoughts don't wander much. But that's ok too. At first, it's just so hard to focus on anything for long, so to spend a whole day when you are focusing on duties and job and activities really is a first in this Land of Firsts.
A good day is when you can sit across the desk from the gal at the bank and not get tears in your eyes as she reads the death certificate, and closes out her bank accounts. When you can sit there and make conversation with a smile on your face, and try real hard not to have a "victim" look on your face. Don't knock it 'till you have to try it!
A good day is when you can get through a long Saturday of doing laundry, and vacuuming and crushing to bits all those pills that she never used. Disposing of them actually in some way feels like you are throwing away a part of her. A good day is when you can remember giving her those meds without losing it because they remind you of what you lost.
A good day is when you take that bag of clothes you were going to take to Goodwill out of your trunk and take them back inside the house, and hang up one of her favorite t-shirts and her ball cap... just to remember...and you ONLY tear up a little.
Yea, a good day is really a matter of perspective. But the Lord says that His mercies are new every morning, so you count on that. A good day is when you are receiving more strength from the Lord than you could have imagined, and it makes you feel like, "Yea, we can do this."
There have been some good days since my last post, and that helps realize that you can have more good days ahead.
....till later
Friday, October 14, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011 - I Don't Understand!
Last night was a first... in this Land of Firsts. Wednesday and Thursday were busy days... busy at the office, busy at home trying to keep up with preparing the Journey to Transformation Beginner's Course materials, trying to work on my book and trying to get "Thank You" cards out. Fixing meals, and keeping up with bills. Last night I even gave myself a treat, and went to DQ for a small hot fudge sunday... with extra hot fudge (That was one of her favorites!) But Thursday night... after those two busy days, as I prepared for bed, now the house dark and just the closet light on, this gigantic wave came over me. The expression was simply, "Lord, I don't understand!" "I don't understand, why this has happened, I don't understand why you let this happen! You know I love you, you know I know you are good and faithful, but I don't understand why this happened!" And it began.
Wave after wave of weeping, and sobbing. Not the neat gentle kind... the wrenching, nose dripping, unstoppable kind that come from so deep within, you're almost astonished at where this is coming from.
And then, the thought again... "She never said "Good bye." "She never said anything to me." It was that great sense of loss, that things happened so fast and she was then so consumed with the tiredness and the lack of awareness, that she never really said her "Good bye's" to me. She never had a chance to just speak words of "Good bye," and there was this overwhelming sense of loss from that. And so the crying out continued, on, and on...Loud enough, that behind all of it, my mind was hoping the neighbors wouldn't hear it. Thankful that, if I had still been in the apartment, everyone would have heard!
About the time, my energy seemed to be sapped completely, and there was a lull in those waves... I would no more than catch my breath, and it would come again... great, noisy, messy, loud cries from the depth of my soul. It continued on, twenty minutes, forty minutes... over and over, they came.
It is not that my faith is being tested as such. My trust in God remains sure and firm. I am not having a crisis of faith. I know that my heavenly Father loves me, that he is good, and gracious, and loving, and will redeem all of this, but the question that screamed from deep, deep within, was simply "WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" As I lay on the bed, in the darkness, I wanted God to wake me up from this dream and bring her back from whatever vacation she is on.
This was a first. Not the wailing and crying... but last night was really the first night with such intensity that I cried myself to sleep. I know that the crying lasted a good hour, but I'm not really sure when I finally fell asleep. And when I awoke this morning, there was still that momentary sense that I need to not disturb her. But of course, she wasn't there. What was there was this residue on my eyelids from the salty tears that had soaked my pillow and sheets the night before.
And so, another day in the Land of Firsts. Another day to try to accomplish what I can, knowing that I labor with a handicap. Trusting that my Father in heaven will be with me. He promises that he heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds. So, here I am, Lord. Give me strength to not have one of those fits in public, PLEASE!
Yup, it's a land of firsts. T
I know there is a glow on the horizon, it is the glow of a new day, new experiences, new mercies, and new depths in my walk. I know I am not alone in this new land. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me. (Ps. 23: 4). Yet I walk now with a limp.
... till next time!
Wave after wave of weeping, and sobbing. Not the neat gentle kind... the wrenching, nose dripping, unstoppable kind that come from so deep within, you're almost astonished at where this is coming from.
And then, the thought again... "She never said "Good bye." "She never said anything to me." It was that great sense of loss, that things happened so fast and she was then so consumed with the tiredness and the lack of awareness, that she never really said her "Good bye's" to me. She never had a chance to just speak words of "Good bye," and there was this overwhelming sense of loss from that. And so the crying out continued, on, and on...Loud enough, that behind all of it, my mind was hoping the neighbors wouldn't hear it. Thankful that, if I had still been in the apartment, everyone would have heard!
About the time, my energy seemed to be sapped completely, and there was a lull in those waves... I would no more than catch my breath, and it would come again... great, noisy, messy, loud cries from the depth of my soul. It continued on, twenty minutes, forty minutes... over and over, they came.
It is not that my faith is being tested as such. My trust in God remains sure and firm. I am not having a crisis of faith. I know that my heavenly Father loves me, that he is good, and gracious, and loving, and will redeem all of this, but the question that screamed from deep, deep within, was simply "WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" As I lay on the bed, in the darkness, I wanted God to wake me up from this dream and bring her back from whatever vacation she is on.
This was a first. Not the wailing and crying... but last night was really the first night with such intensity that I cried myself to sleep. I know that the crying lasted a good hour, but I'm not really sure when I finally fell asleep. And when I awoke this morning, there was still that momentary sense that I need to not disturb her. But of course, she wasn't there. What was there was this residue on my eyelids from the salty tears that had soaked my pillow and sheets the night before.
And so, another day in the Land of Firsts. Another day to try to accomplish what I can, knowing that I labor with a handicap. Trusting that my Father in heaven will be with me. He promises that he heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds. So, here I am, Lord. Give me strength to not have one of those fits in public, PLEASE!
Yup, it's a land of firsts. T
I know there is a glow on the horizon, it is the glow of a new day, new experiences, new mercies, and new depths in my walk. I know I am not alone in this new land. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me. (Ps. 23: 4). Yet I walk now with a limp.
... till next time!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011 - THERE'S A GAPING HOLE IN MY SIDE!!!
Tuesday... for some reason, today was a "weepy" day. It seems like I could hardly go an hour without the tears flowing. Kinda like that old 60's song, "it feels like rain drops, so many rain drops. It feels like rain drops, falling from my eye-eyes, fallin from my eyes."
Some days seem to be like that. Yesterday I made it most of the day, except in the evening, writing "Thank You" cards. Today? All day it's been feelin like rain drops, fallin from my eyes. Twice now I have described it this way: Now, more than ever before I understand what the Lord means when he says that in marriage, "the two shall become one flesh." There are dimensions of that not many people talk about the other side of the grave. On the living side... we say it, but we don't know the depths of that truth. And now? I HAVE A GAPING HOLE IN MY SIDE! OH, it's not a neat, clean surgical cut of some extremity, oh no! This is like someone stuck his hand in your gut and just ripped it all out, leaving all the jagged edges, and bones, and blood vessels and nerve endings all just hanging there. And then of course, your supposed to walk around like everything is ok. Can't they see it? It's horrid, it's aweful, and painful, and it all just hangs there. Sorry to be so graphic...well, not really. You're reading this, you might as well know it the way it is. I'm not going to try to sugar-coat it.
People talk about triggers. You want to know some of my triggers lately?
Worship! Yea that's a trigger... I'm in church, in worship, and I begin to think, and to wonder what it's like for her there, in His Presence... what kind of joy she must have. How her face must just beam with adoration. How her longings to be with Him are fulfilled now. And I have a connection there. I'm glad for her, but it's hard on this side.
Another trigger - clouds... yea clouds. The beautiful clouds that fill the sky here in Washington, and then I think how we would be driving together and both of us commenting on how we love the clouds...then it starts raining... hey, what's that salty water doing in my mouth?
Grocery shopping... I almost didn't go into the Albertson's tonight to do my shopping. Those rain drops were showing up again. Remembering going together up and down the isles, a chore we did most of the time together. Ha! now it takes me half the time and one third the bucks, but what I wouldn't trade to have it back the way it was.
Triggers... they are those loose nerve endings that are still dangling from this gaping wound in my side. Now, imagine trying to go about your regular work and routine with such a gaping hole in your side... now you know why I might be a bit slow, or not be keeping up, or not "with it" like I used to be... don't you see this hole in my side?
Oh, yea.... sorry, you can't see it... probably from the outside, I look pretty normal... eyes are a little red, but I'm looking to everyone else like a fairly normal guy. Except for this massive, open wound.
Oh well, I have to go put the groceries away, and finish that sermon for Sunday on "Patience, waiting for the return of Christ..." Oh,oh... there comes the rain again. Have to work on the book tonight too, then finish up for the "Renewal of Vows" for Friday night... yup, life goes on.. gaping hole and all...
...till next time...
Some days seem to be like that. Yesterday I made it most of the day, except in the evening, writing "Thank You" cards. Today? All day it's been feelin like rain drops, fallin from my eyes. Twice now I have described it this way: Now, more than ever before I understand what the Lord means when he says that in marriage, "the two shall become one flesh." There are dimensions of that not many people talk about the other side of the grave. On the living side... we say it, but we don't know the depths of that truth. And now? I HAVE A GAPING HOLE IN MY SIDE! OH, it's not a neat, clean surgical cut of some extremity, oh no! This is like someone stuck his hand in your gut and just ripped it all out, leaving all the jagged edges, and bones, and blood vessels and nerve endings all just hanging there. And then of course, your supposed to walk around like everything is ok. Can't they see it? It's horrid, it's aweful, and painful, and it all just hangs there. Sorry to be so graphic...well, not really. You're reading this, you might as well know it the way it is. I'm not going to try to sugar-coat it.
People talk about triggers. You want to know some of my triggers lately?
Worship! Yea that's a trigger... I'm in church, in worship, and I begin to think, and to wonder what it's like for her there, in His Presence... what kind of joy she must have. How her face must just beam with adoration. How her longings to be with Him are fulfilled now. And I have a connection there. I'm glad for her, but it's hard on this side.
Another trigger - clouds... yea clouds. The beautiful clouds that fill the sky here in Washington, and then I think how we would be driving together and both of us commenting on how we love the clouds...then it starts raining... hey, what's that salty water doing in my mouth?
Grocery shopping... I almost didn't go into the Albertson's tonight to do my shopping. Those rain drops were showing up again. Remembering going together up and down the isles, a chore we did most of the time together. Ha! now it takes me half the time and one third the bucks, but what I wouldn't trade to have it back the way it was.
Triggers... they are those loose nerve endings that are still dangling from this gaping wound in my side. Now, imagine trying to go about your regular work and routine with such a gaping hole in your side... now you know why I might be a bit slow, or not be keeping up, or not "with it" like I used to be... don't you see this hole in my side?
Oh, yea.... sorry, you can't see it... probably from the outside, I look pretty normal... eyes are a little red, but I'm looking to everyone else like a fairly normal guy. Except for this massive, open wound.
Oh well, I have to go put the groceries away, and finish that sermon for Sunday on "Patience, waiting for the return of Christ..." Oh,oh... there comes the rain again. Have to work on the book tonight too, then finish up for the "Renewal of Vows" for Friday night... yup, life goes on.. gaping hole and all...
...till next time...
Friday, October 7, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011 - Questions
How do I even begin to describe today?
Where did all those sore muscles come from last night? I could barely sleep for the pain, and it hurt to just move. I discovered last night, that the water heater was leaking and needed to be replaced. So no shower this morning as I pulled myself out of bed and got ready to drive to Mt. Vernon for my first VA Medical appointment. I think this will work out OK. Then I got back just in time to make arrangements for the replacement water heater to be installed to the tune of $1,049.00. Great! How long will it take me to pay that one off?
How long does this mish-mash of emotions go on? One moment I am saying to myself, "OK, we are not going to be the victim here, time to get it together and move forward!" The next moment, wondering how long I've been in this "fog?" I know this journey gets easier with time, but how much time will I need? What does "moving on" look like? How long will it seem like the whole world is just whirring in front of me, and I'm living in slow motion? I WANT to get control of my life, but why does it seem so hard? Things that were so easy before, now seem to take so much extra energy.
Esther, through her work, made some wonderful "Thank You" cards. They came today. So now I can begin to send "Thank You's" to so many wonderful friends... And to be honest, even that is a mixed blessing. It is so over-whelming to think of all those who sent cards and checks and notes. There is the challenge of trying to know how to even say, "Thanks." Then there is the reality (and please don't take this the wrong way) that most everyone else is now just going on about "life." An it should be that way. That's part of the cycle, I guess.
Then there was the task of bagging up all those beautiful flowers that are now wilting and need to be thrown out... another reminder of the truth of Scripture that our life is like the grass that grows up, then withers and dies. Another step in "moving on" I guess. Anybody need some vases?
Then, there was that reminder today that the Lord really is watching out for me. A friend from Romania called on Skype. Said that I had been on his mind for some weeks, and then he talked with a mutual friend and heard from them about Marilou. His wife has been battling health issues for years. My eyes were so full of tears at how wonderful it was that the Spirit of God would touch him to pray for me half-way around the world, when he had so clue what was going on. Even writing of it now brings tears to my eyes.
And so, things move on... I want to move on, I don't want to be "stuck" here. And I suppose I am not really "stuck," that all of this is indeed part of the "moving on." I know that Marilou would want me to "flourish" and grow in this new stage of my life. I want to as well. And I know the Lord wants that. But there are still a lot of questions, a lot of "unknowns" that hang in the air like a thick fog sometimes.
Am I depressed? No, I don't think so, I think this is just grieving, and there is no shortcut. I wish there was, but there isn't. "Even though I walk through the dark valley of death, because you are with me, I fear no harm. Your rod and your staff give me courage." Ps. 23 4, God's Word version. Yes, Lord... Your rod and your staff give me courage. And so, despite the questions, You and I will walk through this valley together. And you know the reason there is a shadow in this dark valley? Because there is light on the other side. I say, "YES" to you, Lord. P.S. You did see that water heater bill didn't you? (and we both chuckle together).
Heading out to prayer meeting tonight. It will be good to be with friends.
Where did all those sore muscles come from last night? I could barely sleep for the pain, and it hurt to just move. I discovered last night, that the water heater was leaking and needed to be replaced. So no shower this morning as I pulled myself out of bed and got ready to drive to Mt. Vernon for my first VA Medical appointment. I think this will work out OK. Then I got back just in time to make arrangements for the replacement water heater to be installed to the tune of $1,049.00. Great! How long will it take me to pay that one off?
How long does this mish-mash of emotions go on? One moment I am saying to myself, "OK, we are not going to be the victim here, time to get it together and move forward!" The next moment, wondering how long I've been in this "fog?" I know this journey gets easier with time, but how much time will I need? What does "moving on" look like? How long will it seem like the whole world is just whirring in front of me, and I'm living in slow motion? I WANT to get control of my life, but why does it seem so hard? Things that were so easy before, now seem to take so much extra energy.
Esther, through her work, made some wonderful "Thank You" cards. They came today. So now I can begin to send "Thank You's" to so many wonderful friends... And to be honest, even that is a mixed blessing. It is so over-whelming to think of all those who sent cards and checks and notes. There is the challenge of trying to know how to even say, "Thanks." Then there is the reality (and please don't take this the wrong way) that most everyone else is now just going on about "life." An it should be that way. That's part of the cycle, I guess.
Then there was the task of bagging up all those beautiful flowers that are now wilting and need to be thrown out... another reminder of the truth of Scripture that our life is like the grass that grows up, then withers and dies. Another step in "moving on" I guess. Anybody need some vases?
Then, there was that reminder today that the Lord really is watching out for me. A friend from Romania called on Skype. Said that I had been on his mind for some weeks, and then he talked with a mutual friend and heard from them about Marilou. His wife has been battling health issues for years. My eyes were so full of tears at how wonderful it was that the Spirit of God would touch him to pray for me half-way around the world, when he had so clue what was going on. Even writing of it now brings tears to my eyes.
And so, things move on... I want to move on, I don't want to be "stuck" here. And I suppose I am not really "stuck," that all of this is indeed part of the "moving on." I know that Marilou would want me to "flourish" and grow in this new stage of my life. I want to as well. And I know the Lord wants that. But there are still a lot of questions, a lot of "unknowns" that hang in the air like a thick fog sometimes.
Am I depressed? No, I don't think so, I think this is just grieving, and there is no shortcut. I wish there was, but there isn't. "Even though I walk through the dark valley of death, because you are with me, I fear no harm. Your rod and your staff give me courage." Ps. 23 4, God's Word version. Yes, Lord... Your rod and your staff give me courage. And so, despite the questions, You and I will walk through this valley together. And you know the reason there is a shadow in this dark valley? Because there is light on the other side. I say, "YES" to you, Lord. P.S. You did see that water heater bill didn't you? (and we both chuckle together).
Heading out to prayer meeting tonight. It will be good to be with friends.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, -- Some Good Firsts
Today was actually a mixture of whirring thoughts and emotions. Have you ever seen one of those commericals, or scenes from a movie where the person is standing still, and everything around them is going by in a blur? That's what it has been feeling like lately. Part of the reason for that is that everyone else has now gotten back to life as usual, the usual pace and things to do, the usual demands and expectations for productivity.... and yet in my own existence, I feel like I am standing still watching it all go whirring around me. And then again... for me in this new land... what IS productivity?.
Now, that does not mean that there are not good things. How I appreciated the prayers of the pastors of Monroe as we met this morning, and they prayed for me. It was the first meeting where I have joined them as a group at their twice a month meeting.
It was a good time at the "GriefShare" meeting today. Our topic today was "when your spouse dies." But it was a good time.
It was a productive day, and that is a first in this new land. It was productive at the office. It was productive at home as I read over the edited edition of my coming book, and made some progress on some home projects.
It might be hard for you to understand if I tell you that even though there were many times during the day when my eyes filled with tears, it was a good and productive day.
It was a day when I again felt like I wanted to find who the "New Me" will be in this Land of Firsts." I've had some ideas, but there was a little tinge of excitement in my to find out what that might look like. I fought off the tinge of guilt, that tried to creep in to say I should not feel excitement about that... somehow I'm supposed to stay moody and sad. HA!!! How Marilou would be mad at that one!! I have that picture of her with the whisk in her hand!!!
So, today was a good day... Maybe the "first" pretty positive day in a while. So, knowing I am on this roller coaster... I'll take this good day, thank the Lord for those who helped to make it a good day, and head for bed thanking the Lord...
That in this Land of Firsts.... this was a pretty good day! And that makes me smile. Hey another little first!
Now, that does not mean that there are not good things. How I appreciated the prayers of the pastors of Monroe as we met this morning, and they prayed for me. It was the first meeting where I have joined them as a group at their twice a month meeting.
It was a good time at the "GriefShare" meeting today. Our topic today was "when your spouse dies." But it was a good time.
It was a productive day, and that is a first in this new land. It was productive at the office. It was productive at home as I read over the edited edition of my coming book, and made some progress on some home projects.
It might be hard for you to understand if I tell you that even though there were many times during the day when my eyes filled with tears, it was a good and productive day.
It was a day when I again felt like I wanted to find who the "New Me" will be in this Land of Firsts." I've had some ideas, but there was a little tinge of excitement in my to find out what that might look like. I fought off the tinge of guilt, that tried to creep in to say I should not feel excitement about that... somehow I'm supposed to stay moody and sad. HA!!! How Marilou would be mad at that one!! I have that picture of her with the whisk in her hand!!!
So, today was a good day... Maybe the "first" pretty positive day in a while. So, knowing I am on this roller coaster... I'll take this good day, thank the Lord for those who helped to make it a good day, and head for bed thanking the Lord...
That in this Land of Firsts.... this was a pretty good day! And that makes me smile. Hey another little first!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Monday, October 3 -- Like a Low Grade Fever
I wasn't going to post this, but if I'm going to make this an honest, real-life blog then I figure I'd better at least make a stab at it.
The last couple days actually have been very difficult. It's not that I don't smile and interact with people when they talk to me. And I know that even writing this is risky, because then people even more, don't know how to interact with you. But if you are reading this and wondering that... remember.. it's not about you. Talk to me like regular, but remember, today when I am talking to you, I might be running a low-grade fever.
No, not an elevated body temperature. This low-grade fever has more to do with a sadness that's just below the surface. Like Yesterday, Sunday. I knew that the sadness was there. I got up and went to church. But it seems like every song reminded me of her. I wondered how she was doing now, and what it will be like when I see her again. I could picture her smile as we would meet in Jesus presence, only she would be glowing and beaming in His presence. And of course my eyes would fill with tears while everyone around was singing and dancing in worship. It was there, this low-grade fever. And then when the worship time was over and people were greeting one another, I snuck out to my car. When I sat there alone in the car, I just began to cry with my head on my arm... and I drove home. It's hard. You don't want people really to know you have the fever, but it's not like you can react and talk quite the same as normal.
It's not the kind of thing that words or even actions can soothe. It's just there. Some days are worse than others. Some days you can go most of the day without any release. But there are always those private times, when no one is looking and your eyes begin to fill with tears and you try to not be seen till things clear up a bit.
They talk about going through grief and feeling a bit crazy. This must be part of that. It probably doesn't help that when I threw back the covers of the bed this morning, I actually looked over to see if she would be there. She wasn't of course. It's still kind of unreal that she is never coming back here. So that low-grade fever just hangs around for a while.
That doesn't mean I don't like to be with you, or that Idon't enjoy being with people. I do, and actually, I don't mind talking about it. It's just I'm running a low-grade grief fever... hahaha... maybe it's like having allergies in the Land of Firsts... eyes water and your nose runs... that must be it. I even got a chuckle out of that one... so now it's time to try to sleep and maybe tomorrow the low-grade fever will give me a break for a day... maybe.
The last couple days actually have been very difficult. It's not that I don't smile and interact with people when they talk to me. And I know that even writing this is risky, because then people even more, don't know how to interact with you. But if you are reading this and wondering that... remember.. it's not about you. Talk to me like regular, but remember, today when I am talking to you, I might be running a low-grade fever.
No, not an elevated body temperature. This low-grade fever has more to do with a sadness that's just below the surface. Like Yesterday, Sunday. I knew that the sadness was there. I got up and went to church. But it seems like every song reminded me of her. I wondered how she was doing now, and what it will be like when I see her again. I could picture her smile as we would meet in Jesus presence, only she would be glowing and beaming in His presence. And of course my eyes would fill with tears while everyone around was singing and dancing in worship. It was there, this low-grade fever. And then when the worship time was over and people were greeting one another, I snuck out to my car. When I sat there alone in the car, I just began to cry with my head on my arm... and I drove home. It's hard. You don't want people really to know you have the fever, but it's not like you can react and talk quite the same as normal.
It's not the kind of thing that words or even actions can soothe. It's just there. Some days are worse than others. Some days you can go most of the day without any release. But there are always those private times, when no one is looking and your eyes begin to fill with tears and you try to not be seen till things clear up a bit.
They talk about going through grief and feeling a bit crazy. This must be part of that. It probably doesn't help that when I threw back the covers of the bed this morning, I actually looked over to see if she would be there. She wasn't of course. It's still kind of unreal that she is never coming back here. So that low-grade fever just hangs around for a while.
That doesn't mean I don't like to be with you, or that Idon't enjoy being with people. I do, and actually, I don't mind talking about it. It's just I'm running a low-grade grief fever... hahaha... maybe it's like having allergies in the Land of Firsts... eyes water and your nose runs... that must be it. I even got a chuckle out of that one... so now it's time to try to sleep and maybe tomorrow the low-grade fever will give me a break for a day... maybe.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011 8:47 PM, PDT
One month -
I could not think of anything else to put as an entry title... just "one month." I actually watched the clock as it came to 2:45...the time one month ago she was drawing her last breaths... coming gasping, slowly, yet quickly...putting my finger to her neck to fell her slowing pulse.. ever weaker and slower... and I felt that last beat of her heart, and the time was 2:50. One month ago.
Time is a strange creature. A moment can seem like it goes on and on, yet a month can seem like it is just a blink of an eye. Four weeks...is that all? just four short weeks? Yet it seems like such a long time. The mystery of time and how we perceive it, and all of it is caught up in the middle of an eternity that is timeless.
One month, and I am starting to manifest some of those crazy symptoms of grieving. Thinking she is there when I wake up in the morning. Thinking she might have the light on, and be waiting for me when I come back from Saturday evening church. Tears at the craziest times. Wondering, "Who am I now?" When you are married as long as we were, your identities are so intertwined..."the two shall become one flesh." Now, am I half a flesh? No and yes.
Questions fill my mind. Shall I keep this? What should the house look like? How should I decorate? How do I relate now to people? Could I have done more, or better? So many questions, no one can answer...I suppose I will discover the answers as I walk toward in this "Land of Firsts."
I imagine that this will likely be the last, or nearly the last of these entries. I wish to thank each one who has been so kind and loving and open to allowing me these times to pour out the expressions of my heart. Again, there are no words to convey how strengthening you all have been. And now, a new chapter begins. A new land to explore. And wherever this adventure takes me, the person I will be there, will be a result of how Marilou touched and impacted and molded my life by her influence. She is indelibly stamps on my life and my character.
One month ends, and another begins
Time is a strange creature. A moment can seem like it goes on and on, yet a month can seem like it is just a blink of an eye. Four weeks...is that all? just four short weeks? Yet it seems like such a long time. The mystery of time and how we perceive it, and all of it is caught up in the middle of an eternity that is timeless.
One month, and I am starting to manifest some of those crazy symptoms of grieving. Thinking she is there when I wake up in the morning. Thinking she might have the light on, and be waiting for me when I come back from Saturday evening church. Tears at the craziest times. Wondering, "Who am I now?" When you are married as long as we were, your identities are so intertwined..."the two shall become one flesh." Now, am I half a flesh? No and yes.
Questions fill my mind. Shall I keep this? What should the house look like? How should I decorate? How do I relate now to people? Could I have done more, or better? So many questions, no one can answer...I suppose I will discover the answers as I walk toward in this "Land of Firsts."
I imagine that this will likely be the last, or nearly the last of these entries. I wish to thank each one who has been so kind and loving and open to allowing me these times to pour out the expressions of my heart. Again, there are no words to convey how strengthening you all have been. And now, a new chapter begins. A new land to explore. And wherever this adventure takes me, the person I will be there, will be a result of how Marilou touched and impacted and molded my life by her influence. She is indelibly stamps on my life and my character.
One month ends, and another begins
Tuesday, September 27, 2011 3:28 PM, PDT
Reality bits in the Land of Firsts
Tuesday? Yea, it's Tuesday...All of the preparations and getting ready for the Memorial Service are over....Family is all gone home...work calls...and life goes on.
The last few days have been those flashes of reality... you know... those things you are so used to thinking and doing that they come without forethought. A bit of news from a friend and the instant thought to share that when you get home...but, oh yeah, she's not there to share that with. Turning over in the middle of the night and hoping you are not disturbing her.... oh yea, she's not there to disturb. Many of those little bits of reality have been coming these last few days. Then, today as I was driving home, almost to the driveway...a sudden burst of reality, feeling like an elevator that is dropping out of control, she is not here! This house we moved into together... she will never be back.
As I got to the house and walked around inside, it struck like a bolt of lightning... seemingly out of nowhere... looking at her pictures on the board from Saturday's memorial service...this isn't some temporary little glitch... she's gone, she will never be coming back here. And then it broke open... the wailing of grief,
over and over again, in wave after wave it came, uncontrollable bawling..."How could this be?" "How could this happen?" Still the waves continued to roll out of my insides, bursting out in uncontrolled sobbing and wailing. Gone...
It was like an underground river had suddenly been released... all the control that I had needed to get through these last days let go in shrieks of lament and aloneness.
It has nothing to do with faith, nothing to do with assurance of life eternal... it has everything to do with the one who is a par of you is now brutally ripped out of your existence. She is not there to come home to. She is not there to share with. She is not there to laugh at my jokes. She is just not there ... for the rest of my life on this earth... she will not be there any more. Final...reality. Reality, sometimes in bits sometimes in great heaving outbursts.
So, now I live in a new land. The land of Firsts. I don't even know what that means, but here I am, on foreign soil. No choice but to move ahead and be ready for the "Reality bits" in this land of firsts. Kind of like the TV series, "LOST." Crashed on an uncharted island. Make a life for yourself, or get consumed by the island.
Only I am NOT LOST... I mourn, I grieve, and bawl and wail, but I am not lost. I guess it is all part of living here in the land of firsts. It has been 40 years since I have been this alone. But I an not lost and I am not alone.
Well, I'd better go wash my face with some cold water, and blow my nose good. My dear friends Terry and MaryLynn will be here soon. They are taking me out to dinner. And came all the way from Minneapolis, can you believe that? Oops, the eyes are leaking again... I'll go wash my face, and learn how to live in victory in the Land of Firsts. With Jesus' help, maybe I can be like old Caleb and conquer some mountains in this new land
The last few days have been those flashes of reality... you know... those things you are so used to thinking and doing that they come without forethought. A bit of news from a friend and the instant thought to share that when you get home...but, oh yeah, she's not there to share that with. Turning over in the middle of the night and hoping you are not disturbing her.... oh yea, she's not there to disturb. Many of those little bits of reality have been coming these last few days. Then, today as I was driving home, almost to the driveway...a sudden burst of reality, feeling like an elevator that is dropping out of control, she is not here! This house we moved into together... she will never be back.
As I got to the house and walked around inside, it struck like a bolt of lightning... seemingly out of nowhere... looking at her pictures on the board from Saturday's memorial service...this isn't some temporary little glitch... she's gone, she will never be coming back here. And then it broke open... the wailing of grief,
over and over again, in wave after wave it came, uncontrollable bawling..."How could this be?" "How could this happen?" Still the waves continued to roll out of my insides, bursting out in uncontrolled sobbing and wailing. Gone...
It was like an underground river had suddenly been released... all the control that I had needed to get through these last days let go in shrieks of lament and aloneness.
It has nothing to do with faith, nothing to do with assurance of life eternal... it has everything to do with the one who is a par of you is now brutally ripped out of your existence. She is not there to come home to. She is not there to share with. She is not there to laugh at my jokes. She is just not there ... for the rest of my life on this earth... she will not be there any more. Final...reality. Reality, sometimes in bits sometimes in great heaving outbursts.
So, now I live in a new land. The land of Firsts. I don't even know what that means, but here I am, on foreign soil. No choice but to move ahead and be ready for the "Reality bits" in this land of firsts. Kind of like the TV series, "LOST." Crashed on an uncharted island. Make a life for yourself, or get consumed by the island.
Only I am NOT LOST... I mourn, I grieve, and bawl and wail, but I am not lost. I guess it is all part of living here in the land of firsts. It has been 40 years since I have been this alone. But I an not lost and I am not alone.
Well, I'd better go wash my face with some cold water, and blow my nose good. My dear friends Terry and MaryLynn will be here soon. They are taking me out to dinner. And came all the way from Minneapolis, can you believe that? Oops, the eyes are leaking again... I'll go wash my face, and learn how to live in victory in the Land of Firsts. With Jesus' help, maybe I can be like old Caleb and conquer some mountains in this new land
Tuesday, September 20, 2011 8:18 PM, PDT
Falling...A Good Thing
Today, in the midst of all the other things that were going on, today was the day I had to go to the mortuary and pick up Marilou's "remains." Her ashes. It's just weird. Genesis 3:19 states it this way,
You will have to work hard and sweat to make the soil produce anything, until you go back to the soil from which you were formed. You were made from soil, and you will become soil again.”
It may seem kind of silly or morbid to some, but when I got home, I opened the plastic "urn" that they had given me ( I was prepared for this because my Dad was cremated) and I lifted the plastic bag a little ways out of that plastic box, and thought to myself..."Is that all that is left?" A natural question given the circumstances, but of course as believers, we know that it is not all that is left. The Word of God makes it clear that for the one who places his/ or her faith in Christ as Savior, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord ( 2 Corinthians 5:6-8). Marilou is not in that box, she is rejoicing in the glorious presence of her redeemer, of Jesus whose face she longed to see.
And while I was driving home with all these thoughts going through my head, and this plastic box in the seat next to me... where she used to sit... my mind went again to that Newsboys song... "In The Hands of God."...
"In the hands of God, we will fall, rest for the restless, and the weary, hope for the sinner. In the hands of God we stand tall. Hands that are mighty to deliver. giving us freedom... and when all is finished and we face the fearsome power of death, only One has overcome the gates of hell. In the hand of God, we will fall..."
And as I turned the corner toward home, it was as if I was allowing myself to fall... fall into the hands of our wonderful God. We do not mourn as those who have no hope... oh yea, the tears are still filling my eyes even as I write, but I know... it's ok to fall... fall into the hands of the One who holds all things, and gently catches me. It's a good thing... to fall... into the hands of God.
It feels good here...
In His hands...
You will have to work hard and sweat to make the soil produce anything, until you go back to the soil from which you were formed. You were made from soil, and you will become soil again.”
It may seem kind of silly or morbid to some, but when I got home, I opened the plastic "urn" that they had given me ( I was prepared for this because my Dad was cremated) and I lifted the plastic bag a little ways out of that plastic box, and thought to myself..."Is that all that is left?" A natural question given the circumstances, but of course as believers, we know that it is not all that is left. The Word of God makes it clear that for the one who places his/ or her faith in Christ as Savior, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord ( 2 Corinthians 5:6-8). Marilou is not in that box, she is rejoicing in the glorious presence of her redeemer, of Jesus whose face she longed to see.
And while I was driving home with all these thoughts going through my head, and this plastic box in the seat next to me... where she used to sit... my mind went again to that Newsboys song... "In The Hands of God."...
"In the hands of God, we will fall, rest for the restless, and the weary, hope for the sinner. In the hands of God we stand tall. Hands that are mighty to deliver. giving us freedom... and when all is finished and we face the fearsome power of death, only One has overcome the gates of hell. In the hand of God, we will fall..."
And as I turned the corner toward home, it was as if I was allowing myself to fall... fall into the hands of our wonderful God. We do not mourn as those who have no hope... oh yea, the tears are still filling my eyes even as I write, but I know... it's ok to fall... fall into the hands of the One who holds all things, and gently catches me. It's a good thing... to fall... into the hands of God.
It feels good here...
In His hands...
Sunday, September 18, 2011 9:29 PM, PDT
We Didn't Have Enough Time!
This was one of those up and down, wave after wave kinds of days....
Thank you, Lord for the wonderful people who are praying for me. It is so very encouraging, and I'm sure it's those prayers that get me through these kinds of days.
Took a walk around the lake after "lunch." Didn't feel like eating much, in fact now, I can't even remember what I had... but thought It would be good to take a walk, and headed for Lake Tye. After all, it's close and it's a good walk.
Good thing there were not very many people out walking around the lake today... I'm not sure what they might have thought if they saw me walking toward them. I got about half-way around and it just hit me like a great Tsunami wave... We didn't have enough time! It all happened so fast. I'm not sure I'd want to be one of those that has to battle for months with such a thing, but...she was gone before...
She never said "Goodbye" I never got to hear her say her goodbye's to me. Sure, we had talked, thinking we would have more time.We spent so much time battling the fevers, then it was hospital, then hospice, bang, bang, bang, one after the other. I was so busy trying just to keep her comfortable, and by that time, she was spending most of her time sleeping. The time for conversations was over. And when she took her all too sudden turn for the worse, I told her how proud I was of her, how proud I was of the strength of her faith, of her testimony for Him. I gave her permission to leave, and be with her Jesus. On that last day, in those last few moments, I whispered in her ear that we all loved her and were there for her, and it was ok if she left. But we didn't have enough time!
I wish now we could have had more time to talk about all those things that really matter. But we thought we had more time! And as those thoughts came flooding into my mind...I could not stop the sobbing, crying out loud... "Why did you leave me so soon?" "We didn't have enough time!" "You never said Goodbye!"" (I'm going to have to learn to bring Kleenex with me wherever I go now.)
And then tonight...it was a great time at the "We Love Our Kids" Community Prayer Time to pray for our schools. I loved it, but it was bitter sweet...I remember the day she came home so excited... telling me she had been walking downtown and saw this banner across Main street... "We Love Our Kids" and a prayer meeting! It was out introduction to the wonderful Church of Monroe. It just reminded me tonight that I will have all kinds of those memories...walking around the lake, driving down Main Street, looking at the mountains she loved... so many things.
I don't have an answer for that...why didn't we have more time? Why did it have to happen so fast? I don't know. I just don't know.
And then, with wet eyes, I get in the car, and I hear the song from the Newsboys, "In The Hands of God." Yup, that's it..."In the Hands of God we will fall... rest for the weary and the restless... In the hands of God we stand tall... hands that are mighty to deliver, giving us freedom."
No, we didn't have enough time, but tonight, I fall into the hands of God
Thank you, Lord for the wonderful people who are praying for me. It is so very encouraging, and I'm sure it's those prayers that get me through these kinds of days.
Took a walk around the lake after "lunch." Didn't feel like eating much, in fact now, I can't even remember what I had... but thought It would be good to take a walk, and headed for Lake Tye. After all, it's close and it's a good walk.
Good thing there were not very many people out walking around the lake today... I'm not sure what they might have thought if they saw me walking toward them. I got about half-way around and it just hit me like a great Tsunami wave... We didn't have enough time! It all happened so fast. I'm not sure I'd want to be one of those that has to battle for months with such a thing, but...she was gone before...
She never said "Goodbye" I never got to hear her say her goodbye's to me. Sure, we had talked, thinking we would have more time.We spent so much time battling the fevers, then it was hospital, then hospice, bang, bang, bang, one after the other. I was so busy trying just to keep her comfortable, and by that time, she was spending most of her time sleeping. The time for conversations was over. And when she took her all too sudden turn for the worse, I told her how proud I was of her, how proud I was of the strength of her faith, of her testimony for Him. I gave her permission to leave, and be with her Jesus. On that last day, in those last few moments, I whispered in her ear that we all loved her and were there for her, and it was ok if she left. But we didn't have enough time!
I wish now we could have had more time to talk about all those things that really matter. But we thought we had more time! And as those thoughts came flooding into my mind...I could not stop the sobbing, crying out loud... "Why did you leave me so soon?" "We didn't have enough time!" "You never said Goodbye!"" (I'm going to have to learn to bring Kleenex with me wherever I go now.)
And then tonight...it was a great time at the "We Love Our Kids" Community Prayer Time to pray for our schools. I loved it, but it was bitter sweet...I remember the day she came home so excited... telling me she had been walking downtown and saw this banner across Main street... "We Love Our Kids" and a prayer meeting! It was out introduction to the wonderful Church of Monroe. It just reminded me tonight that I will have all kinds of those memories...walking around the lake, driving down Main Street, looking at the mountains she loved... so many things.
I don't have an answer for that...why didn't we have more time? Why did it have to happen so fast? I don't know. I just don't know.
And then, with wet eyes, I get in the car, and I hear the song from the Newsboys, "In The Hands of God." Yup, that's it..."In the Hands of God we will fall... rest for the weary and the restless... In the hands of God we stand tall... hands that are mighty to deliver, giving us freedom."
No, we didn't have enough time, but tonight, I fall into the hands of God
Saturday, September 17, 2011 8:32 PM, PDT
Ink on Paper and Blessed Assurance
Today was two weeks...I find it still hard to fathom that she is really gone. But is she really? Today was a day of trying to get some things prepared for next weeks Memorial Service. I bought one of those tri-fold foam boards to put pictures on, and as I was trying to pick out the right pictures and lay them out... the thought came to my mind..."Is this all that is left of her? These scraps of ink on paper?" I know the answer, but that doesn't prevent the question from raising itself up in my mind. How can a few scraps of paper do justice to a persons life? The people who see these pictures... what are they going to know of the person they represent? Her spirit, her faith, her struggles, her questions and her love? I have boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures...and yet they cannot tell all the story of the life of this person who shared her life with me for forty years. Up to the end she still laughed at my jokes... I could still make her laugh. That was one of those things that drew us together from the very beginning, laughing together.
And then I received this wonderful copy of the Daily Bread from friends in Iowa, copied from September 12. I laughed out loud when I read the first paragraph... "As I was talking with a gentleman whose wife had died, he shared with me that a friend said to him, 'I'm sorry you lost your wife.' His reply? 'Oh, I haven't lost her; I know exactly where she is!" YES! YES! YES!! What a great answer! I love it! Now if I can just remember that one!
The Scripture was from 2 Corinthians 5:8, "We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord." Kind of like being absent from school...doesn't mean you do not exist anymore, it just means that for that time period you were not in that location in the school. Maybe you were home, maybe your were on vacation with your family. So I looked it up..."Absent, not present at a place or an occasion." OK, I haven't lost her, she is absent from this place, but I am absent also... I am absent from where she is, in the glories of heaven.
Doesn't mean I don't miss her. If your friend is absent from school, you miss them, but you await the time you will be together again. Still, the missing hurts a lot sometimes. I find myself thinking, "Oh, I need to go share that with Marilou!... Oh, no, I can't she's not here."
Two very special things came in the mail yesterday that just blew me away... still brings tears to my eyes. One was a card from a dear, dear friend in Minneapolis who is a Messianic Jewish Rabbi. They sent a card saying that a tree was planted in Israel in Marilou's memory. I can't keep the tears back on that one. Her dad was Russian Jew, and we never got to Israel. And now there is a tree there in that homeland in her memory. Thank you Seed of Abraham Congregation... wow.
The other was a card that had two hummingbirds on it that was sent from a friend from Australia (whom I have yet to meet). She saw that card, remembered the story of the hummingbirds here at the house and sent it all the way from Australia! How amazingly thoughtful is that? I was so blown away!
So when it's all said and done, a persons life is so much more than just ink on paper. We who are here, still have opportunity to make those kinds of impressions and actions that will make a lasting impact on others. We still have time to say, "I love you." We still have the chance to give that hug, or say, "I forgive" or "I'm sorry."
Two weeks...I cannot wrap my mind around how long is seems and how short it seems both at the same time. What will it be like when it is two months, then two years? I guess I'll have to let you know. But just remember... I haven't lost my wife, I know exactly where she is!!
And then I received this wonderful copy of the Daily Bread from friends in Iowa, copied from September 12. I laughed out loud when I read the first paragraph... "As I was talking with a gentleman whose wife had died, he shared with me that a friend said to him, 'I'm sorry you lost your wife.' His reply? 'Oh, I haven't lost her; I know exactly where she is!" YES! YES! YES!! What a great answer! I love it! Now if I can just remember that one!
The Scripture was from 2 Corinthians 5:8, "We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord." Kind of like being absent from school...doesn't mean you do not exist anymore, it just means that for that time period you were not in that location in the school. Maybe you were home, maybe your were on vacation with your family. So I looked it up..."Absent, not present at a place or an occasion." OK, I haven't lost her, she is absent from this place, but I am absent also... I am absent from where she is, in the glories of heaven.
Doesn't mean I don't miss her. If your friend is absent from school, you miss them, but you await the time you will be together again. Still, the missing hurts a lot sometimes. I find myself thinking, "Oh, I need to go share that with Marilou!... Oh, no, I can't she's not here."
Two very special things came in the mail yesterday that just blew me away... still brings tears to my eyes. One was a card from a dear, dear friend in Minneapolis who is a Messianic Jewish Rabbi. They sent a card saying that a tree was planted in Israel in Marilou's memory. I can't keep the tears back on that one. Her dad was Russian Jew, and we never got to Israel. And now there is a tree there in that homeland in her memory. Thank you Seed of Abraham Congregation... wow.
The other was a card that had two hummingbirds on it that was sent from a friend from Australia (whom I have yet to meet). She saw that card, remembered the story of the hummingbirds here at the house and sent it all the way from Australia! How amazingly thoughtful is that? I was so blown away!
So when it's all said and done, a persons life is so much more than just ink on paper. We who are here, still have opportunity to make those kinds of impressions and actions that will make a lasting impact on others. We still have time to say, "I love you." We still have the chance to give that hug, or say, "I forgive" or "I'm sorry."
Two weeks...I cannot wrap my mind around how long is seems and how short it seems both at the same time. What will it be like when it is two months, then two years? I guess I'll have to let you know. But just remember... I haven't lost my wife, I know exactly where she is!!
Monday, September 12, 2011 6:21 PM, PDT
Marilou - Can You Hear Me?
Can you hear me? It's one of the mysteries that we deal with on this side of the gulf we call death. How much are you aware of what is going on down here? I wondered today if you could hear me. Could you see?
If you could hear, I would say thank you for obeying the Lord when you struggled with him in prayer about our dating relationship and he told you to give me a chance. Thank you for being so humble that you were happy about a wedding dress I bought you at J.C. Penny's. I took it out of the closet the other day. It's still there.
Thank you for being such a good sport when we were at our "cabin" on our honeymoon, and after buying TV dinners, we found that what we thought was an oven was in actuality a refrigerator. Remember trying to cook TV dinners on a stove?
Thank you for those difficult years when I was in school and working and you were such a loving and caring mother. Thank you for being willing to trust the Lord when we had to eat dinner on the living room floor with the cockroaches, and you stuck it out. Thank you for the many ways you supported and stood up for me.
We shared many pretty cool times. It was an amazing time for us to be able to live in Switzerland. Thanks for trying to hard to learn German. Even when you told someone that I had resurrected instead of recovered from my cold. Hahaha! We all got a good laugh out of that.
Thank you for working hard at learning the new culture, walking into the village every day to buy bread. Learning to be an excellent house frau.
Thank you for the years that you poured your life into those dear folks who were developmentally disabled that you worked with. They all knew you loved them... it just showed all the time. I was looking at some of those pictures today. You made them smile a lot.
Thank you for trying so hard to be a good pastor's wife, when we know at times you wanted to just punch some people right in the kisser for the way they treated us. But you prayed for them, and stuck it out. Thanks, Honey...Thanks.
I was looking at the pictures of our prayer journey to Morocco. Thanks for being an adventurer - even more than me. when we had not idea what we were ordering! Oh the adventures we had...
Thanks, Honey, for all the things you did that no one will every know.. except us, to love your children, trying to help them grow up to love the Lord. I know how hard it was when you put Jonathan on the bus from Iowa to Florida when he left for the Navy, three days after High School Graduation. I know the tears you shed sitting on his bed.
Thanks how you encouraged Esther to get involved in drama...you were always there to support and encourage her. You were so very proud of her. I know she was your little movie star.
Thanks for being so faithful in praying and holding down the fort when I was off traveling or busy with ministry. I know you struggled to know what your part was... but you knew it was to support me. Thanks.
Thanks for how solid your faith in the Lord has been all those years, even when you had no answers to all those questions you had. You had more questions than anyone I ever knew! I am sure all of those are answered now that you are with your Jesus.
I looked through so many of our picture albums, and I was reminded of all the things we were privileged to do, and see, and experience in our nearly forty years together. Thanks for making it all very special by your presence.
Looking at all those pictures... can you hear me? I miss you a lot. A whole lot. And I would not take away from you what you have now... I just want to say...
Thanks, Honey. I think I even love you more now. But I have to stop now... my eyes actually hurt from all the tears that are streaming down my cheeks...tears of thanksgiving that we had all those years together. They weren't perfect!! HA! But they were good, because of you. I hope you can hear me
If you could hear, I would say thank you for obeying the Lord when you struggled with him in prayer about our dating relationship and he told you to give me a chance. Thank you for being so humble that you were happy about a wedding dress I bought you at J.C. Penny's. I took it out of the closet the other day. It's still there.
Thank you for being such a good sport when we were at our "cabin" on our honeymoon, and after buying TV dinners, we found that what we thought was an oven was in actuality a refrigerator. Remember trying to cook TV dinners on a stove?
Thank you for those difficult years when I was in school and working and you were such a loving and caring mother. Thank you for being willing to trust the Lord when we had to eat dinner on the living room floor with the cockroaches, and you stuck it out. Thank you for the many ways you supported and stood up for me.
We shared many pretty cool times. It was an amazing time for us to be able to live in Switzerland. Thanks for trying to hard to learn German. Even when you told someone that I had resurrected instead of recovered from my cold. Hahaha! We all got a good laugh out of that.
Thank you for working hard at learning the new culture, walking into the village every day to buy bread. Learning to be an excellent house frau.
Thank you for the years that you poured your life into those dear folks who were developmentally disabled that you worked with. They all knew you loved them... it just showed all the time. I was looking at some of those pictures today. You made them smile a lot.
Thank you for trying so hard to be a good pastor's wife, when we know at times you wanted to just punch some people right in the kisser for the way they treated us. But you prayed for them, and stuck it out. Thanks, Honey...Thanks.
I was looking at the pictures of our prayer journey to Morocco. Thanks for being an adventurer - even more than me. when we had not idea what we were ordering! Oh the adventures we had...
Thanks, Honey, for all the things you did that no one will every know.. except us, to love your children, trying to help them grow up to love the Lord. I know how hard it was when you put Jonathan on the bus from Iowa to Florida when he left for the Navy, three days after High School Graduation. I know the tears you shed sitting on his bed.
Thanks how you encouraged Esther to get involved in drama...you were always there to support and encourage her. You were so very proud of her. I know she was your little movie star.
Thanks for being so faithful in praying and holding down the fort when I was off traveling or busy with ministry. I know you struggled to know what your part was... but you knew it was to support me. Thanks.
Thanks for how solid your faith in the Lord has been all those years, even when you had no answers to all those questions you had. You had more questions than anyone I ever knew! I am sure all of those are answered now that you are with your Jesus.
I looked through so many of our picture albums, and I was reminded of all the things we were privileged to do, and see, and experience in our nearly forty years together. Thanks for making it all very special by your presence.
Looking at all those pictures... can you hear me? I miss you a lot. A whole lot. And I would not take away from you what you have now... I just want to say...
Thanks, Honey. I think I even love you more now. But I have to stop now... my eyes actually hurt from all the tears that are streaming down my cheeks...tears of thanksgiving that we had all those years together. They weren't perfect!! HA! But they were good, because of you. I hope you can hear me
Sunday, September 11, 2011 9:56 PM, PDT
Sunday - One Week + One
I did not write an entry for Saturday... I remember looking at the clock yesterday afternoon and trying to convince myself that it was really only one week ago at that very hour, I was calling the hospice hotline to report to them that Marilou had passed away. In so many ways it seems like it has been ages ago, with all the agencies to notify, and trying to find some kind of new rhythm for my life... and then it seemed like it was only a few short minutes ago that I gone out on the deck and shook with the sobbing cries that came rushing from deep within me after watching her take her final breath. There are those experiences that seem to mess with our "internal clocks." This has to be one of the worst.
Finding a new rhythm of life. It has to be a very intentional thing, making yourself make choices to carry on. I'm not sure what that really looks like yet, but I have asked the Lord to teach me what that should look like, and how He would like to use me in this new phase of my journey with Him. I know that I want to be a blessing to others that I am with. I want to be a fun "old man" to be around...I want our / my house to be a place where people feel welcome to come, a place of healing, a place that is comfortable.
Another part of finding a new rhythm of life happened today, when Esther came over and we went through Marilou's clothes and took them off the hangers and put them into black garbage bags to take them to Goodwill. I could remember when she wore each piece of clothing, that particular t-shirt she loved to wear... those pajamas I got her for Christmas...what year was that? It almost felt like a sacrilege to stuff them in those bags, but they are, after all, just "things." I am not interested in making a shrine, and she would hate to think I was caring that much about just physical stuff. But I could smell her on each piece, yet I knew that was not her. An besides, as Esther pointed out... most of this stuff she bought at Goodwill, so it is just "going back to whence it came." (laughing) Marilou was the consummate thrift store shopper. I was always amazed at how consistently she would come home after hours at the thrift store and proudly show off some name brand blouse or pants that still had the label on it, and tell me how she only paid three dollars for it. So what came out of the bag, went back into the bags and we loaded up my car and pulled up to the Goodwill donation site. Then what was hard was watching the guy throw them into a plastic dumpster of some kind they had there... it seemed so...disrespectful.
And now that part of the closet is only filled with empty coat hangers, another part of a new rhythm of life.
Then Esther and I went down to her favorite coffee shop. right across from the lake. The place that Marilou and Esther used to and hang out together before they would take their walks around the lake.
There was that awkward moment when the owner who was taking our orders asked us, "Well, what did you do today?" The funny feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when I heard answer, "well my Mom passed away last week, and we were going through her stuff." so we talked and shed a few tears together as we remembered that my wife, her mom carried a lot of "stuff" from her childhood, and now was free of that "stuff."
I was glad to hear Esther relate how she was so glad that in these past months, she really came into a good place, and really enjoyed having her Mom as her friend.
Another week starts in a few hours...I'll get into the office, and try to get back into some kind of "rhythm" there. More notifications to take care of... go to the veteran's office and see about applying for veterans health benefits. Trying to straighten out the mess with Marilou's car title. HA! another part of finding a new rhythm of life, I guess.
Hmmmm... I wonder what the "rhythm of life" is like where she is at now? Interesting question that I have no idea how to answer...just have to wait to find out
Finding a new rhythm of life. It has to be a very intentional thing, making yourself make choices to carry on. I'm not sure what that really looks like yet, but I have asked the Lord to teach me what that should look like, and how He would like to use me in this new phase of my journey with Him. I know that I want to be a blessing to others that I am with. I want to be a fun "old man" to be around...I want our / my house to be a place where people feel welcome to come, a place of healing, a place that is comfortable.
Another part of finding a new rhythm of life happened today, when Esther came over and we went through Marilou's clothes and took them off the hangers and put them into black garbage bags to take them to Goodwill. I could remember when she wore each piece of clothing, that particular t-shirt she loved to wear... those pajamas I got her for Christmas...what year was that? It almost felt like a sacrilege to stuff them in those bags, but they are, after all, just "things." I am not interested in making a shrine, and she would hate to think I was caring that much about just physical stuff. But I could smell her on each piece, yet I knew that was not her. An besides, as Esther pointed out... most of this stuff she bought at Goodwill, so it is just "going back to whence it came." (laughing) Marilou was the consummate thrift store shopper. I was always amazed at how consistently she would come home after hours at the thrift store and proudly show off some name brand blouse or pants that still had the label on it, and tell me how she only paid three dollars for it. So what came out of the bag, went back into the bags and we loaded up my car and pulled up to the Goodwill donation site. Then what was hard was watching the guy throw them into a plastic dumpster of some kind they had there... it seemed so...disrespectful.
And now that part of the closet is only filled with empty coat hangers, another part of a new rhythm of life.
Then Esther and I went down to her favorite coffee shop. right across from the lake. The place that Marilou and Esther used to and hang out together before they would take their walks around the lake.
There was that awkward moment when the owner who was taking our orders asked us, "Well, what did you do today?" The funny feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when I heard answer, "well my Mom passed away last week, and we were going through her stuff." so we talked and shed a few tears together as we remembered that my wife, her mom carried a lot of "stuff" from her childhood, and now was free of that "stuff."
I was glad to hear Esther relate how she was so glad that in these past months, she really came into a good place, and really enjoyed having her Mom as her friend.
Another week starts in a few hours...I'll get into the office, and try to get back into some kind of "rhythm" there. More notifications to take care of... go to the veteran's office and see about applying for veterans health benefits. Trying to straighten out the mess with Marilou's car title. HA! another part of finding a new rhythm of life, I guess.
Hmmmm... I wonder what the "rhythm of life" is like where she is at now? Interesting question that I have no idea how to answer...just have to wait to find out
Thursday, September 8, 2011 6:41 PM, PDT
Thursday evening - Marilou's Journal entry from Bazil
This evening I ran across one of Marilou's journal entries from our time in Brazil last year. Please note that very last sentence. The Lord has a way of answering our prayers in ways we can not anticipate.
Monday July 10th - Went to the mountain in the morning. We brought chairs and stayed... This time we felt more of God's presence. There was a quiet, and a shadow. I read some, and sang, and listened to music. I watched the birds circling and flying - I thought, I prayed - I really looked up and on the hill is a cross - Everything was done at the cross - My desire is to fly above all the stuff.
In our time in Brazil last July, Marilou came away with a greater hunger for the manifest presence of God, because she experienced it in real and tangible ways there... many times she shared with me her deepening desire for His presence, and her great burden to see that presence come here to our city of Monroe, Washington, and this Sky Valley area. My prayer is that she still might see that... just from her heavenly perspective. One of the greatest blessings of my life, was to have her there and see the affect that the presence of God brought to her life.
I think in some way, her longing for Him was so deep after those days, that her Heavenly Father could resist her longing no longer and ushered her in to His presence ... where she longed to be. There is not regret for that... it is where we are made to be... in His Presence
Monday July 10th - Went to the mountain in the morning. We brought chairs and stayed... This time we felt more of God's presence. There was a quiet, and a shadow. I read some, and sang, and listened to music. I watched the birds circling and flying - I thought, I prayed - I really looked up and on the hill is a cross - Everything was done at the cross - My desire is to fly above all the stuff.
In our time in Brazil last July, Marilou came away with a greater hunger for the manifest presence of God, because she experienced it in real and tangible ways there... many times she shared with me her deepening desire for His presence, and her great burden to see that presence come here to our city of Monroe, Washington, and this Sky Valley area. My prayer is that she still might see that... just from her heavenly perspective. One of the greatest blessings of my life, was to have her there and see the affect that the presence of God brought to her life.
I think in some way, her longing for Him was so deep after those days, that her Heavenly Father could resist her longing no longer and ushered her in to His presence ... where she longed to be. There is not regret for that... it is where we are made to be... in His Presence
Wednesday, September 7, 2011 6:48 PM, PDT
Wednesday - 4 days after...
Words... words can be great things that lift us and transport us to far away worlds of fantasy or adventure. Words can be sharp daggers that injure us and inflict wounds that can last for years. But as I sat tonight and tried to write with tear swollen eyes, Marilou's obituary, I was faced with another truth about words...they can be totally inadequate to truly express the longings, and the depths of the human heart. How is it possible to express the wonder and breadth of a human life in just a few short words? What I wrote seemed so shallow, so superficial.
But the tasks must be done, the obituary, the phone calls the contacts, banks, insurance, and countless places and parts of the establishment that now need to be notified that this amazing person they never knew is no longer here. I guess it must be one of the crueler parts of death in our culture.
On the other side of the scale of experiences, it was so good to be together with some pastor friends who meet together on Wednesday mornings. Their hugs and greetings were appreciated and again almost surreal...I had to keep reminding myself what was going on. But their sincere love and care was a genuine oasis for me this morning. Then it was back to the totally mundane things like fixing lunch, trying to get my PC to work... (it hasn't yet). That again mixed with the sweet blessing of the plant that was sent from Bethany Alliance Church in Charles City, IA where we pastored in the early '80's. Wow, what a sweet gesture! The phone call from a pastor friend in Minnesota that I have known since seminary days.
The sweet and the bitter...the comfort of a call, and the tears that come from just looking at a picture. They all mix together in this strange tapestry that God weaves into our lives.
I didn't get the lawn mowed again today, but somehow in the scheme of things... that wasn't really that important...maybe tomorrow (snicker, snicker!!!)
Thanks for the kind words from you who have encouraged me to continue to write here. You are very kind and gracious, and I realize that this is cathartic for me as well, but this began because it was about Marilou. So, probably sooner than later, this journaling will also fade off into the dimness of the past. We will all move on, hopefully changed and effected in some way by a life that from my perspective anyway, ended far too soon
But the tasks must be done, the obituary, the phone calls the contacts, banks, insurance, and countless places and parts of the establishment that now need to be notified that this amazing person they never knew is no longer here. I guess it must be one of the crueler parts of death in our culture.
On the other side of the scale of experiences, it was so good to be together with some pastor friends who meet together on Wednesday mornings. Their hugs and greetings were appreciated and again almost surreal...I had to keep reminding myself what was going on. But their sincere love and care was a genuine oasis for me this morning. Then it was back to the totally mundane things like fixing lunch, trying to get my PC to work... (it hasn't yet). That again mixed with the sweet blessing of the plant that was sent from Bethany Alliance Church in Charles City, IA where we pastored in the early '80's. Wow, what a sweet gesture! The phone call from a pastor friend in Minnesota that I have known since seminary days.
The sweet and the bitter...the comfort of a call, and the tears that come from just looking at a picture. They all mix together in this strange tapestry that God weaves into our lives.
I didn't get the lawn mowed again today, but somehow in the scheme of things... that wasn't really that important...maybe tomorrow (snicker, snicker!!!)
Thanks for the kind words from you who have encouraged me to continue to write here. You are very kind and gracious, and I realize that this is cathartic for me as well, but this began because it was about Marilou. So, probably sooner than later, this journaling will also fade off into the dimness of the past. We will all move on, hopefully changed and effected in some way by a life that from my perspective anyway, ended far too soon
Monday, September 5, 2011 8:05 PM, PDT
Monday Night, Day 2
Labor Day evening... I took a walk this morning, and talked by phone with a couple friends from way back. Actually both I've known since Viet Nam days.
Walked two times around the lake at a pretty good pace... needed to just work out a little bit.
Cooked a hamburger for lunch, and had one of Marilou's suger free Jello's. she didn't like the taste.
Sat out on the deck a couple times, and started looking through pictures to use for the memorial service on the 24th.
My PC is having some problems, so my good friend from Brainerd, MN is helping with some of that. And I got invited over for a "guys night" with Brandon Springer and his three boys. Thanks Brandon, that was really nice. My first time in the new my new role as "Grampa Steve." One of my goals in this chapter of life is to be a loving and caring "Grampa" to any kids I am around, so I can shine Jesus for them.
But reality is like ocean waves, they come in, and go out, and this varies with the tides. I had a great, great time with Brandon and the boys, and as I drove toward home, the wave of reality hit me... I'm going home, but Marilou will not be there to greet me. I will not be able to tell her what a great time we had trying to knock foam swords out the the tree. Or having pizza and roast corn together. It's one of those waves that remind you that in order to stand firm against these kind of waves, you must have your foundation firm on the solid rock of God.
And now I am wondering how long to keep this journal going. It's intention was to update our friends on what was going on with Marilou. Well, I'm afraid I no longer have enough information to update you on how she's doing, except that I know she is far beyond all of the cares and sorrows of this life, and for that I am eternally grateful. In Jesus, there is hope beyond what we see, and Paul reminds us in his letter to the Corinthians that what is seen is only temporary, and what is unseen is eternal...so those undulating waves... they too are only temporary, and for that, I am very thankful.
Before I close here, I was looking at the last page of Our Daily Bread that Marilou had read before she could not read anymore because of the tiredness and sleepiness. It was for July 21, "Pain No More" from I Corinthians 15:51-57...here is a portion of what she read that day - "Where is God when it hurts? He has been there from the beginning. He designed a pain system that, in the midst of a fallen world, bears His stamp. He transforms pain, using it to teach and strengthen us if we allow it to turn us toward Him."
I say "YES" to you, Lord
Walked two times around the lake at a pretty good pace... needed to just work out a little bit.
Cooked a hamburger for lunch, and had one of Marilou's suger free Jello's. she didn't like the taste.
Sat out on the deck a couple times, and started looking through pictures to use for the memorial service on the 24th.
My PC is having some problems, so my good friend from Brainerd, MN is helping with some of that. And I got invited over for a "guys night" with Brandon Springer and his three boys. Thanks Brandon, that was really nice. My first time in the new my new role as "Grampa Steve." One of my goals in this chapter of life is to be a loving and caring "Grampa" to any kids I am around, so I can shine Jesus for them.
But reality is like ocean waves, they come in, and go out, and this varies with the tides. I had a great, great time with Brandon and the boys, and as I drove toward home, the wave of reality hit me... I'm going home, but Marilou will not be there to greet me. I will not be able to tell her what a great time we had trying to knock foam swords out the the tree. Or having pizza and roast corn together. It's one of those waves that remind you that in order to stand firm against these kind of waves, you must have your foundation firm on the solid rock of God.
And now I am wondering how long to keep this journal going. It's intention was to update our friends on what was going on with Marilou. Well, I'm afraid I no longer have enough information to update you on how she's doing, except that I know she is far beyond all of the cares and sorrows of this life, and for that I am eternally grateful. In Jesus, there is hope beyond what we see, and Paul reminds us in his letter to the Corinthians that what is seen is only temporary, and what is unseen is eternal...so those undulating waves... they too are only temporary, and for that, I am very thankful.
Before I close here, I was looking at the last page of Our Daily Bread that Marilou had read before she could not read anymore because of the tiredness and sleepiness. It was for July 21, "Pain No More" from I Corinthians 15:51-57...here is a portion of what she read that day - "Where is God when it hurts? He has been there from the beginning. He designed a pain system that, in the midst of a fallen world, bears His stamp. He transforms pain, using it to teach and strengthen us if we allow it to turn us toward Him."
I say "YES" to you, Lord
Monday, September 5, 2011 11:21 AM, PDT
Dancing? Is that allowed?
I had a good nights rest last night, the first in a long time... put on some Robin Mark, and as I was playing "Garments of Praise," I danced in the living room... thinking of how she is now so free to worship and dance with that great cloud of witnesses. Thinking of how she asked that her memorial service be a time of celebration, and she so loved seeing the children up front dancing and worshiping, that's one of the things she wanted.
All details are not completely worked out but we will have the Memorial service on Saturday, September 24th... it's looking now like 3:00 pm at Monroe Community Chapel, 23515 Old Owen Rd, Monroe, WA 98272
More details will follow.
I took two laps around Lake Tye this morning...she loved to walk around that lake... and I am not going to crawl up in some hole somewhere...oh that would make her so mad!!!
Thanks again for all your prayers and support. You all are such a blessings, and this is really what the body of Christ is all about.... Thank you, Thank you.
More later...
All details are not completely worked out but we will have the Memorial service on Saturday, September 24th... it's looking now like 3:00 pm at Monroe Community Chapel, 23515 Old Owen Rd, Monroe, WA 98272
More details will follow.
I took two laps around Lake Tye this morning...she loved to walk around that lake... and I am not going to crawl up in some hole somewhere...oh that would make her so mad!!!
Thanks again for all your prayers and support. You all are such a blessings, and this is really what the body of Christ is all about.... Thank you, Thank you.
More later...
Sunday, September 4, 2011 4:46 PM, PDT
The Day After... and thanks for praying!!
What do you do the day after your loving spouse of almost 40 years leaves this earth for eternity? Good Question! I'm not sure I really know the answer to that one. As for me and my house... I took Jonathan and Carol to the airport to fly back to Columbus, Ohio on separate flights. Jonathan had a long layover in Minneapolis, so he connected with some friends and visited the grave site of his Grandfather Loopstra. He left a picture of Marilou and a piece from a prayer scarf that Carol took as a memento. After dropping them at the airport, Jodan (our adopted daughter) headed to Seattle to have breakfast with Esther and Tony and hang out for a while.
Then I came back home, washed the sheets and cleaned the frig.
I have to tell you a little story that I think is just a token of God's loving care for us. ---- The first day that we came here to look at this house together... it was the very first day it was even on the market, I walked over to the dining room window, and there, was a hummingbird feeding in the bush right outside the window.
Yesterday... right after Marilou went to be with her Jesus, I walked downstairs, and looked out the dining room window, and there in that bush, was a hummingbird. At least to me, our precious Father was telling me that, yes, He is watching out for us.
What do you two days after your loving spouse of almost 40 years leaves to be with Jesus? I'm not really sure, but I know Jesus and I will do it together.
We have set September 24th as the day of her Memorial Celebration. It's Jonathan's birthday. After talking it over, he is really ok with that and feels it would be so appropriate to celebrate her eternal life on the day she brought him into the world.
How can I express my utmost thanks to all of your for your prayers and kind, loving comments here. I read them all to Marilou before she left, and my heart is full of gratitude for each post you have left, and each prayer that is prayed. It seems so inadequate, but THANKS!!!
Saturday, September 3, 2011 3:38 PM, PDT
We say "until then" to our sweet Marilou, who passed into Jesus' arms, Sept. 3, 2011 @ 2:50pm PDT
Conqueror of Cancer
Creature of darkness and death, eating away at life in hiddenness,
Thinking you will gobble life away from unsuspecting victims.
Little do you know, oh creature from the pit, you vile and merciless enemy…
There is ONE who holds life in His hands, and His is the victory.
When all is said and done, the one you thought you would consume,
Is made glorious in the realms of heavens bliss, and all will someday know
Your so-called victory is only an illusion, for One Greater has conquered over all.
Written with hope in mind, in the shadow of cancer’s false victory – you don’t win!
Written for my dear wife, Marilou Loopstra, whom I will meet again at Jesus feet
Saturday, September 3, 2011 10:48 AM, PDT
Can you hear the latch?
Can you hear? the latch is being opened. Soon now those doors will open and the hosts of heaven, her Father, Herb, her yet unnamed son, and her Wonderful Savior will greet her as she enters the reward prepared for her before the foundations of the world.
The hospice nurse was here about 9:00 am. Made a short visit, and confirmed what I had been sensing that we are just hours away now from that moment. Jonathan and Carol, Esther and Tony and Jodan our "adopted" daughter are here with me as we keep vigil.
We are thankful for and leaning on the prayers and support and love of all our wonderful friends from all over this globe. Thank you!
The hospice nurse was here about 9:00 am. Made a short visit, and confirmed what I had been sensing that we are just hours away now from that moment. Jonathan and Carol, Esther and Tony and Jodan our "adopted" daughter are here with me as we keep vigil.
We are thankful for and leaning on the prayers and support and love of all our wonderful friends from all over this globe. Thank you!
Friday, September 2, 2011 12:22 PM, PDT
Saying "Good-bye"
As quickly as things have cascaded in these past few days and weeks, today we all feel a great weight as been lifted from us. The hospice nurse this morning explained to us that our job now is to make the body comfortable enough so that she can be released from the discomfort and be more free to leave us. So my task now is to bring her to that place, and to watch and wait. When she was still lucid and clear, she talked about how she looked forward to seeing Jesus face to face, to see her Dad and her youngest son who dies too early to see the light of this world. There, she can give him a name.
I feel now, more peace than I have in a long time. The weight of not knowing, of having her so uncomfortable and restless is for the most part behind us. For the believer there is not fear in death. In fact for those who are His, the Scriptures tell us that their death is blessed. The reward of His blood enters their eternal reward.
The Lord is near us, He is our strength and our comfort. In the light of eternity, it will be a brief blink of the eye and we will again be together.
Once more we want to thank EVERYONE who has been praying for us. We are about to enter into a new chapter in our journey, the "period" of this sentence will soon be written, and a new chapter begun. He, is our Hope...
I feel now, more peace than I have in a long time. The weight of not knowing, of having her so uncomfortable and restless is for the most part behind us. For the believer there is not fear in death. In fact for those who are His, the Scriptures tell us that their death is blessed. The reward of His blood enters their eternal reward.
The Lord is near us, He is our strength and our comfort. In the light of eternity, it will be a brief blink of the eye and we will again be together.
Once more we want to thank EVERYONE who has been praying for us. We are about to enter into a new chapter in our journey, the "period" of this sentence will soon be written, and a new chapter begun. He, is our Hope...
Thursday, September 1, 2011 8:23 PM, PDT
Thursday evening addendem
I had the "diversion" to cook up some salmon and my brussels sprouts for the "kids" and we were hoping to take a family picture this evening with Marilou. But we got into her room and she was not really awake at all, and as I looked at those sunken cheeks and her pale skin, I could not. That is not the spunky, loving girl I fell in love with. I had to leave the kids in the room, and spent some time on the deck in tears, asking the Lord to come and embrace her in His loving arms and not let her go through any more of this. My prayer now is for the Lord's merciful taking her to Himself with peace. I know this thing called death has been overcome by the risen Lord Jesus, but sometimes the passageway is the hardest part. Lord make us all strong in You in these last days/hours/moments and have your hand of peace in and over sweet Marilou
Thursday, September 1, 2011 3:31 PM, PDT
Thursday afternoon update...kids are all here
Well the family is all here. Jonathan arrived This morning about 1:30 am after a delayed flight out of Atlanta. So it was a short night. Jonathan and Carol had some time singing to Marilou at her bedside this morning and she was pretty responsive. But it was also fairly taxing. When the nurse came, we asked about her distended belly, and were told that this is a result of the cancer, and swelling will continue. We noticed that her fingers were also swollen and we could not get her wedding ring or her ring with the kids birthstones off her fingers. Because of the risk to her fingers, the nurse called the paramedics to come and cut off the rings. Poor Marilou was crying out, "NO! NO! Please NO!" it was heartbreaking...
I put the rings on her pinkies so she could still have them on. That and the bath later, pretty much more her out.
So afternoon has been kind of a "resting time" for all of us. The nurse was pretty firm that I get out and get away for a bit. And by today I was pretty wiped out with sleeping next to her bed, she would wake up at least twice during the night.
Later today and tomorrow each of us will have our private times with her to say goodbye and give her permission to leave us.
We could sure use your prayers for those times.
We so much appreciate all of you who have left messages of love and prayers. It has meant so much to all of us. We can never repay all that you have given to us. We pray God's richest blessings on each one of you
I put the rings on her pinkies so she could still have them on. That and the bath later, pretty much more her out.
So afternoon has been kind of a "resting time" for all of us. The nurse was pretty firm that I get out and get away for a bit. And by today I was pretty wiped out with sleeping next to her bed, she would wake up at least twice during the night.
Later today and tomorrow each of us will have our private times with her to say goodbye and give her permission to leave us.
We could sure use your prayers for those times.
We so much appreciate all of you who have left messages of love and prayers. It has meant so much to all of us. We can never repay all that you have given to us. We pray God's richest blessings on each one of you
Tuesday, August 30, 2011 4:36 PM, PDT
Family is gathering...
It's Tuesday..... really? It seems like yesterday must have lasted a month! But it is so good now to have Esther and Tony, and Carol here. We are waiting and praying that somehow Jonathan can get a flight out tomorrow.
When the nurse was here this morning, she indicated that Marilou would likely at the max have a week left. So Jonathan has had to scramble to try to find a ticket out of Cleveland. He will be arriving very early on Thursday morning.
We think she is trying to hold out for him to get here. This morning she was a little better cognitively, but with the nurse and a bath, it was a stressful day, and this evening she is pretty "vacant."
It's so great to have the family here during this time. It was so much the Lord, in the timing of all of these circumstances, we know He has us all in His hands.
It has been so precious to hear from so many of you, and we want to thank you for your kind greetings and your prayers from all over.
I will update again tomorrow. Please continue to pray.. we know the Lord has a higher purpose in all that happens in our lives.
Thanks again, we'll check in tomorrow
When the nurse was here this morning, she indicated that Marilou would likely at the max have a week left. So Jonathan has had to scramble to try to find a ticket out of Cleveland. He will be arriving very early on Thursday morning.
We think she is trying to hold out for him to get here. This morning she was a little better cognitively, but with the nurse and a bath, it was a stressful day, and this evening she is pretty "vacant."
It's so great to have the family here during this time. It was so much the Lord, in the timing of all of these circumstances, we know He has us all in His hands.
It has been so precious to hear from so many of you, and we want to thank you for your kind greetings and your prayers from all over.
I will update again tomorrow. Please continue to pray.. we know the Lord has a higher purpose in all that happens in our lives.
Thanks again, we'll check in tomorrow
Monday, August 29, 2011 4:22 PM, PDT
Significant turn
Hi all,
Things have taken a significant turn for the worse with Marilou since yesterday. Last night I brought my pillow and just slept by her bed to be nearer to her.
This morning she was considerably weaker, and not very coherent. I called hospice and the nurse came out. Even though this was her first visit with Marilou, she could see she was quite disoriented at times, and very weak. This morning her legs just buckled as I was trying to get her back to her bed from the restroom. I explained that Jonathan and Carol would be coming on Friday. She urged me to get there here as soon as possible.
The nurse will look in again tomorrow, and we will see then what she has to say.
Please pray that Jonathan and Carol will be able to get flights out here. Carol is still on the East Coast attending a family reunion. Jonathan is in Columbus and of course no direct flights.
Today has been a crazy whirlwind of trying to help Marilou, contacting family and trying to do a lot of things I thought I'd have a few weeks to do.
We had a lady from one of our local churches come by and anoint Marilou and pray over her. It was a sweet time.
We are now holding on, and praying that family will be able to get here in time. Pray for the manifold logistics in that. Pray for Marilou... we still pray and ask for divine intervention.
The hospice nurse has told me not to worry about her other meds at this time. They ordered some oxygen, morphine for pain, and an anti-anxiety drug (for Marilou). She is displaying some of those little things that happen at this stage of things.
Esther and Tony were married today on Orcus Island and I had to ask them to come back tonight. They will arrive later this evening.
Again, we covet your prayers. I will go up now and put on another music CD, and I try to sing with them over her the best that I can.
Bless you for praying, for standing with us. You're the best
Things have taken a significant turn for the worse with Marilou since yesterday. Last night I brought my pillow and just slept by her bed to be nearer to her.
This morning she was considerably weaker, and not very coherent. I called hospice and the nurse came out. Even though this was her first visit with Marilou, she could see she was quite disoriented at times, and very weak. This morning her legs just buckled as I was trying to get her back to her bed from the restroom. I explained that Jonathan and Carol would be coming on Friday. She urged me to get there here as soon as possible.
The nurse will look in again tomorrow, and we will see then what she has to say.
Please pray that Jonathan and Carol will be able to get flights out here. Carol is still on the East Coast attending a family reunion. Jonathan is in Columbus and of course no direct flights.
Today has been a crazy whirlwind of trying to help Marilou, contacting family and trying to do a lot of things I thought I'd have a few weeks to do.
We had a lady from one of our local churches come by and anoint Marilou and pray over her. It was a sweet time.
We are now holding on, and praying that family will be able to get here in time. Pray for the manifold logistics in that. Pray for Marilou... we still pray and ask for divine intervention.
The hospice nurse has told me not to worry about her other meds at this time. They ordered some oxygen, morphine for pain, and an anti-anxiety drug (for Marilou). She is displaying some of those little things that happen at this stage of things.
Esther and Tony were married today on Orcus Island and I had to ask them to come back tonight. They will arrive later this evening.
Again, we covet your prayers. I will go up now and put on another music CD, and I try to sing with them over her the best that I can.
Bless you for praying, for standing with us. You're the best
Sunday, August 28, 2011 9:04 PM, PDT
Sunday Night
Well, the weekend is over, Sunday night now, and Marilou is down for the night.
Saturday we had a pretty quiet day. We did venture out to take a little drive... and It pretty much wore her out, although she enjoyed getting outside and getting some fresh air.
Today we did not get out... her energy level is noticeably less, today she was more wobbly on her feet. I help her get around, and her appetite was very small today.
There are a couple of chairs in the room where her hospital bed is. When she is in the bed sleeping, I will just sit and pray for her. This afternoon, I brought a hymn book and my Bible. I tried singing some of her favorite hymns, and she sang along as best she could. I had more trouble than she did, because it was so hard to see the words through that dang water in my eyes. So I read to her I Corinthians 15, the great passage on resurrection.
I anointed her with oil and prayed for her, asking the Lord to reap the fruit of his shed blood that by his stripes she is healed.
Tonight she only had four spoonfuls of soup and a couple spoons of ice cream. She has been noticeably more tired today. So now she is resting again.
Thanks to everyone who fasted and prayed today. We know that our Lord did not miss one of those prayers. He hears every one. There are times when I contend and speak and claim, and there are the times when I have to say, "Lord, nevertheless, your will be done, not mine." I learned that from someone very close to me. He taught me to pray that because he had to pray that.
Again, thank you to all, around the world who were fasting and praying today. Thank you on behalf of Marilou and our entire family. We pray that the Lord will bless you because you gave in that way.
Sleep tight
Saturday we had a pretty quiet day. We did venture out to take a little drive... and It pretty much wore her out, although she enjoyed getting outside and getting some fresh air.
Today we did not get out... her energy level is noticeably less, today she was more wobbly on her feet. I help her get around, and her appetite was very small today.
There are a couple of chairs in the room where her hospital bed is. When she is in the bed sleeping, I will just sit and pray for her. This afternoon, I brought a hymn book and my Bible. I tried singing some of her favorite hymns, and she sang along as best she could. I had more trouble than she did, because it was so hard to see the words through that dang water in my eyes. So I read to her I Corinthians 15, the great passage on resurrection.
I anointed her with oil and prayed for her, asking the Lord to reap the fruit of his shed blood that by his stripes she is healed.
Tonight she only had four spoonfuls of soup and a couple spoons of ice cream. She has been noticeably more tired today. So now she is resting again.
Thanks to everyone who fasted and prayed today. We know that our Lord did not miss one of those prayers. He hears every one. There are times when I contend and speak and claim, and there are the times when I have to say, "Lord, nevertheless, your will be done, not mine." I learned that from someone very close to me. He taught me to pray that because he had to pray that.
Again, thank you to all, around the world who were fasting and praying today. Thank you on behalf of Marilou and our entire family. We pray that the Lord will bless you because you gave in that way.
Sleep tight
Friday, August 26, 2011 3:00 PM, PDT
Hospice Nurse came today
Hi all,
Well the hospice nurse came today. They are all such wonderful people. This morning three of Marilou's local friends came to visit with her. She was really blessed by the visit. The hospice nurse came about 1:30 and we discussed her case, what to watch out for, and how to care for Marilou in these next weeks.
She affirmed that with this stage and type of cancer even alternative medicines would only be good for alleviating symptoms. She also reiterated the conclusion of the oncologist that given how rapidly this has progressed in the past few weeks, we are looking at a very short time frame for her to still be with us. Probably around 2 months.
It is all pretty surreal, but I am so, very proud of my amazing wife. In this time, and on this journey that no one would really choose for themselves, her faith in the Lord is strong, and she told me this morning, she is filled with anticipation at finally being able to see Jesus, her Savior, face to face. I really believe that the Lord has given her a special grace and even anointing to pray and speak with a particular insight from the heart of God.
It is so good to have Esther here in these days, and it was so good of the Lord to bring her here from Cleveland to be close to us. Who could have possibly guessed that this would be in our futures.
Our son Jonathan and his wife, Carol, will be here soon. It has been a long time since we have all been together. Too bad it has to be under these circumstances.
Marilou's sister and Mom and at least a couple nieces will be coming to visit as well.
We still pray and ask the Lord for his healing touch. We know that it would be a mighty testimony to many people. But at the same time...there is a lesson here for all of us, for those who have not yet put their faith in Christ, to learn what the hope of the Gospel is really all about. In the words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 15: 53- 56 -
Well the hospice nurse came today. They are all such wonderful people. This morning three of Marilou's local friends came to visit with her. She was really blessed by the visit. The hospice nurse came about 1:30 and we discussed her case, what to watch out for, and how to care for Marilou in these next weeks.
She affirmed that with this stage and type of cancer even alternative medicines would only be good for alleviating symptoms. She also reiterated the conclusion of the oncologist that given how rapidly this has progressed in the past few weeks, we are looking at a very short time frame for her to still be with us. Probably around 2 months.
It is all pretty surreal, but I am so, very proud of my amazing wife. In this time, and on this journey that no one would really choose for themselves, her faith in the Lord is strong, and she told me this morning, she is filled with anticipation at finally being able to see Jesus, her Savior, face to face. I really believe that the Lord has given her a special grace and even anointing to pray and speak with a particular insight from the heart of God.
It is so good to have Esther here in these days, and it was so good of the Lord to bring her here from Cleveland to be close to us. Who could have possibly guessed that this would be in our futures.
Our son Jonathan and his wife, Carol, will be here soon. It has been a long time since we have all been together. Too bad it has to be under these circumstances.
Marilou's sister and Mom and at least a couple nieces will be coming to visit as well.
We still pray and ask the Lord for his healing touch. We know that it would be a mighty testimony to many people. But at the same time...there is a lesson here for all of us, for those who have not yet put their faith in Christ, to learn what the hope of the Gospel is really all about. In the words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 15: 53- 56 -
Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
O death, where is your victory?
Marilou has and is living out her faith in these verses, and after all is said and done... is not that the greatest testimony we can leave...that Christ has conquered our greatest enemy, and he cannot make us fearful, for only glory awaits those who trust in Him. Marilou is living that out each and every day of this ordeal.
That is not to say that we still do not believe and ask for divine healing. That is what we ask, and plead for. Don't think that in writing the words above that this is a flippant attitude. You don't see how hard it is to write this through my tears. But our Savior is greater than all... even death, whether it is by a healing miracle here on earth, or the ultimate healing in his presence.
How can you pray? Join us in asking for divine healing.
Join us on Sunday, August 28th a day of fasting and prayer for his divine healing touch.
But also pray that in whatever happens... HE will be glorified.
Pray for our families, that the Lord will give grace, and that there will be time to visit, as they come from various places across the country.
Pray that will be strong and courageous for Marilou and the family.
Thank you
Thursday, August 25, 2011 4:14 PM, PDT
Hospice Care
Today the social worker came, and enrolled Marilou in hospice care. She is now "officially" in hospice care. The nurse comes sometime tomorrow and we will have a thorough evaluation of her status and needs.
The last couple days have been so full and busy with getting her home, the delivery of the bed, the social worker, paperwork and other "things" to do, that it has been a bit surreal, what is really going on.
We are very encouraged by all the prayers and support we have received. We had thought that we might drive her down to the IHOP Northwest in Federal Way, but at this point, I just am not sure she could make such a trip. The session with the social worker wore her out today.
But we are joining together to ask the Lord for His healing touch. In fact, we would like to ask if you would consider making Sunday, August 28th as day of fasting and prayer for Marilou's healing. Wherever you are, perhaps your church would pray for her during your service. Perhaps all over the world there will be people and churches fasting and praying for God's miracle healing touch.
Marilou has been very "vocal" about her faith, and her trust in His grace and love. We have seen with our own eyes, God's healing power, and we are trusting in His grace that whatever He does will bring glory to His name.
Thanks for praying with us
The last couple days have been so full and busy with getting her home, the delivery of the bed, the social worker, paperwork and other "things" to do, that it has been a bit surreal, what is really going on.
We are very encouraged by all the prayers and support we have received. We had thought that we might drive her down to the IHOP Northwest in Federal Way, but at this point, I just am not sure she could make such a trip. The session with the social worker wore her out today.
But we are joining together to ask the Lord for His healing touch. In fact, we would like to ask if you would consider making Sunday, August 28th as day of fasting and prayer for Marilou's healing. Wherever you are, perhaps your church would pray for her during your service. Perhaps all over the world there will be people and churches fasting and praying for God's miracle healing touch.
Marilou has been very "vocal" about her faith, and her trust in His grace and love. We have seen with our own eyes, God's healing power, and we are trusting in His grace that whatever He does will bring glory to His name.
Thanks for praying with us
Wednesday, August 24, 2011 9:47 PM, PDT
Home at Last!
We are so happy to say that Marilou is back home tonight! It's wonderful to know she will have a quiet, restful place to sleep now... You know hospitals are the last place to try to get rest!! But they were wonderful to Marilou.
Tonight we had the hospital bed delivered. Tomorrow the social worker will come over and sign her up for the hospice care. Friday the hospice nurse will visit and get us oriented.
Of course we are praying that she won't need any of that, but it is so good, and reassuring to her, that this care is readily available to her.
We are thankful for so many who are praying with us for a touch of the Lord. So for right now, thank you so much... we are home together and so very grateful to you and to the Lord for His strength
Tonight we had the hospital bed delivered. Tomorrow the social worker will come over and sign her up for the hospice care. Friday the hospice nurse will visit and get us oriented.
Of course we are praying that she won't need any of that, but it is so good, and reassuring to her, that this care is readily available to her.
We are thankful for so many who are praying with us for a touch of the Lord. So for right now, thank you so much... we are home together and so very grateful to you and to the Lord for His strength
Tuesday, August 23, 2011 9:03 PM, PDT
More Concrete info from the doctors
I got home from the hospital a short time ago. I finally had a chance to talk with Marilou's doctor today, and she was very helpful. Marilou's pancreatic cancer is stage 4, and has taken over a great deal of her liver. They gave her transfusions and antibiotics and a battery of tests!!! The oncologist has told Marilou's doctor that in his opinion, she has two months at the outside.
We are praying she will be able to come home tomorrow (Wednesday). They are doing everything they can to rule out any infection before she is released. When she gets home we will immediately have hospice come and set things up for us.
Marilou and I have great peace in the Lord. We pray for healing, and have people all over the world, like you, praying for her. We also know that the Lord's ways are higher than ours. Marilou radiates the peace of the Lord. It is a great blessing to me to see that in her countenance and hear it in her words.
We appreciate you, and your kind messages, and will continue to believe God for His very best for Marilou.
Pray that she can come home soon and be able to rest here and have the peace of her home around her. Most of you know how noisy it is in the hospital and impossible to rest.
Again, thank you for your support, love and prayers. they are all a very great blessing and encouragement to Marilou. ( and me!! :-)
We are praying she will be able to come home tomorrow (Wednesday). They are doing everything they can to rule out any infection before she is released. When she gets home we will immediately have hospice come and set things up for us.
Marilou and I have great peace in the Lord. We pray for healing, and have people all over the world, like you, praying for her. We also know that the Lord's ways are higher than ours. Marilou radiates the peace of the Lord. It is a great blessing to me to see that in her countenance and hear it in her words.
We appreciate you, and your kind messages, and will continue to believe God for His very best for Marilou.
Pray that she can come home soon and be able to rest here and have the peace of her home around her. Most of you know how noisy it is in the hospital and impossible to rest.
Again, thank you for your support, love and prayers. they are all a very great blessing and encouragement to Marilou. ( and me!! :-)
Monday, August 22, 2011 4:22 PM, PDT
Monday - Oncologist visit
Hi all our friends. I have returned from the hospital this afternoon. The Lord certainly orchestrated his hand in my timing getting to her room. The oncologist had just met with Marilou and so we had a chance to meet with him together.
His word to us was that there is no cure for the cancers that she has. There is not a surgery, chemotherapy or radiation therapy that will be effective. There is a chemo that she can choose that might prolong her time, and give some relief from symptoms. We are praying through our responses and next steps.
We know that the Lord, Jehovah Rapha, is able to heal her. We are praying for that, however we want you, our family and friends to know that she, and we are very much at peace in the Lord. We are not panicked, we are not afraid, we know that the Lord our Shepherd has her in the palm of His hands. We welcome your prayers and intercession, we will seek out healing prayer, but she is resting in His grace. She does not want you to be anxious or fearful for her.
In reality, our lives are always a testimony of what we believe about our God. He is either good and gracious and kind and all wise or we are just playing with words. We want to testify of the greatness of our wonderful Lord, in whichever form of healing He might choose that would best glorify His name.
We are praying that she will be able to be released from the hospital by Wednesday. However, the great thing is that while she is in there, she is getting the kind of care that she needs. She is feeling very good about that.
We prayed for you together today, that the Lord would help you to look to Him and trust in Him for whatever will be, what Jesus told us to pray..."your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
Thank you for your prayers and support, and we will continue to keep you updated through this wonderful CaringBridge website. We love you all
His word to us was that there is no cure for the cancers that she has. There is not a surgery, chemotherapy or radiation therapy that will be effective. There is a chemo that she can choose that might prolong her time, and give some relief from symptoms. We are praying through our responses and next steps.
We know that the Lord, Jehovah Rapha, is able to heal her. We are praying for that, however we want you, our family and friends to know that she, and we are very much at peace in the Lord. We are not panicked, we are not afraid, we know that the Lord our Shepherd has her in the palm of His hands. We welcome your prayers and intercession, we will seek out healing prayer, but she is resting in His grace. She does not want you to be anxious or fearful for her.
In reality, our lives are always a testimony of what we believe about our God. He is either good and gracious and kind and all wise or we are just playing with words. We want to testify of the greatness of our wonderful Lord, in whichever form of healing He might choose that would best glorify His name.
We are praying that she will be able to be released from the hospital by Wednesday. However, the great thing is that while she is in there, she is getting the kind of care that she needs. She is feeling very good about that.
We prayed for you together today, that the Lord would help you to look to Him and trust in Him for whatever will be, what Jesus told us to pray..."your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
Thank you for your prayers and support, and we will continue to keep you updated through this wonderful CaringBridge website. We love you all
Monday, August 22, 2011 8:04 AM, PDT
Back in the hospital
It's Monday morning, and Marilou is in the hospital. Yesterday she had two episodes of the really high fevers, and so last night we decided it was best for us to go to the Emergency Room.
After some tests and giving her some saline, they transported her from the hospital here in Monroe to a hospital covered by her insurance. I got home about 2am.
Her white count was very high and red count very low, so they were going to give her a transfusion, do another CT scan to make sure they weren't missing something.
And the result of this is that we have a good chance of seeing the oncologist today. The doctor last night said that she would be there probably until Wednesday.
As much as Marilou resisted, it was a God-thing that she finally agreed. She was feeling better, and looking better when I left.
Thanks for your prayers and support. It is a great encouragement to her and to me
After some tests and giving her some saline, they transported her from the hospital here in Monroe to a hospital covered by her insurance. I got home about 2am.
Her white count was very high and red count very low, so they were going to give her a transfusion, do another CT scan to make sure they weren't missing something.
And the result of this is that we have a good chance of seeing the oncologist today. The doctor last night said that she would be there probably until Wednesday.
As much as Marilou resisted, it was a God-thing that she finally agreed. She was feeling better, and looking better when I left.
Thanks for your prayers and support. It is a great encouragement to her and to me
Saturday, August 20, 2011 2:57 PM, PDT
A Good Day!
Thank you for your prayers. Today has been a good day! We went shopping together...this time she was pushing the shopping cart! We were moving slowly, but it was a good bit of exercise for her. And the great thing is, pretty much whatever she says she is hungry for... she gets it!!
She has been more alert today, which is a great relief and blessing. She did some reading, and singing from one of the hymnals that I have finally unpacked.
We know that the timing all of this is in our Lord's capable hands so we are praying already for Dr. Reddy whom we will see on Tuesday morning.
Thanks to your prayers. it's been a good, good day! Praise you, Lord!
She has been more alert today, which is a great relief and blessing. She did some reading, and singing from one of the hymnals that I have finally unpacked.
We know that the timing all of this is in our Lord's capable hands so we are praying already for Dr. Reddy whom we will see on Tuesday morning.
Thanks to your prayers. it's been a good, good day! Praise you, Lord!
Saturday, August 20, 2011 9:58 AM, PDT
Saturday update
A beautiful day here in Monroe, Washington. Yesterday was a pretty tough day. Marilou has been concerned about not working enough hours and losing her medical benefits. The company she works for drops you like a hot potato if you go below your hours. So Marilou thought she would try to work yesterday, but she was too weak to drive, so I took her. (she does in home care with two ladies, one in Monroe here and on in nearby Snohomish)
The whole time she was at her morning ladies place, all she did was sit and sleep, so when I picked her up, that was it. she was done. She spent the rest of the day sleeping. She had a 103 something fever in late afternoon, but that left fairly soon.
She called her supervisor to get some sick days, and find out about getting put on medical leave, but when I got home she could not remember all that her supervisor said, so I will call on Monday.
Today she got up and had an OK breakfast for the past couple weeks, then it was back down to sleep.
We will try to get a very short walk in today just to get a little exercise for her.
The next phase is how to make the cut-backs needed since we will not have her income as before. And of course waiting until Tuesday to hear what the oncologist has to say. Then.... we can take the next step.
Marilou's attitude is very good. She is trusting in the Lord for each step and knows we are in His hands. I'm the one who needs to not let my mind go into all those other places but keep focused on Him, and His ability, His heart and His promises.
Thanks to all for your notes of encouragement and prayers. Marilou and I are greatly encouraged by these precious gems from you.
Thanks,
Obrigado,
Dank,
terima kasih,
Steve & Marilou
The whole time she was at her morning ladies place, all she did was sit and sleep, so when I picked her up, that was it. she was done. She spent the rest of the day sleeping. She had a 103 something fever in late afternoon, but that left fairly soon.
She called her supervisor to get some sick days, and find out about getting put on medical leave, but when I got home she could not remember all that her supervisor said, so I will call on Monday.
Today she got up and had an OK breakfast for the past couple weeks, then it was back down to sleep.
We will try to get a very short walk in today just to get a little exercise for her.
The next phase is how to make the cut-backs needed since we will not have her income as before. And of course waiting until Tuesday to hear what the oncologist has to say. Then.... we can take the next step.
Marilou's attitude is very good. She is trusting in the Lord for each step and knows we are in His hands. I'm the one who needs to not let my mind go into all those other places but keep focused on Him, and His ability, His heart and His promises.
Thanks to all for your notes of encouragement and prayers. Marilou and I are greatly encouraged by these precious gems from you.
Thanks,
Obrigado,
Dank,
terima kasih,
Steve & Marilou
Thursday, August 18, 2011 6:43 PM, PDT
Thursday Update
Hi all, Well we have finally gotten an appointment to see the oncologist. The appointment is for next Tuesday, August 23rd at 10:50 AM PDT.
We have been feeling the effects of your prayers. Last night was the first night in almost a week that we were not fighting a fever. It only went up just before she went to sleep... then it was about 103.2, but tolerable enough for her to still sleep. Today she rested and there were no fever spikes.
So please continue to pray that the fevers will be gone, or minimal. She still does not have much appetite, and sleeps most of the time. Pray for energy and strength for each day (isn't that what we all need anyway?) I remember the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" - "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside."
Marilou has been greatly encouraged by your messages and prayers. Last night she read through all the journal entries and many Facebook messages and emails. It really made her feel very loved and cared for. Thank you all so very much for that.
Do for right now, we will get the report and recommendations from the oncologist, and then prayerfully decide our next steps.
Again, we cannot say "Thank you" enough. You are all a great blessing to us. To know that friends around the world are praying... the Father takes notice.
We have been feeling the effects of your prayers. Last night was the first night in almost a week that we were not fighting a fever. It only went up just before she went to sleep... then it was about 103.2, but tolerable enough for her to still sleep. Today she rested and there were no fever spikes.
So please continue to pray that the fevers will be gone, or minimal. She still does not have much appetite, and sleeps most of the time. Pray for energy and strength for each day (isn't that what we all need anyway?) I remember the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" - "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside."
Marilou has been greatly encouraged by your messages and prayers. Last night she read through all the journal entries and many Facebook messages and emails. It really made her feel very loved and cared for. Thank you all so very much for that.
Do for right now, we will get the report and recommendations from the oncologist, and then prayerfully decide our next steps.
Again, we cannot say "Thank you" enough. You are all a great blessing to us. To know that friends around the world are praying... the Father takes notice.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011 4:51 PM, PDT
Biopsy Report
This afternoon we had an appointment with the Group Health doctor. We went in because of the fevers that Marilou is having, especially at night. We had called the referral nurse at one point... they called today and asked us to come in this afternoon.
While we were there I asked if they had the results of the biopsy (No one had called yet!!!). The results of the biopsy is that Marilou had Pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to the liver. The report states that there is a proliferation of malignant masses on the Pancreas and Liver.
They put in a referral for the oncologist, so we will wait now to get an appointment with the oncologist to see what they say, and what treatment options they suggest.
We appreciate your prayers in this process. I think right now the most pressing need is to keep the fevers under control. There is not a lot we can do for that except the Tylenol and Ibuprofen and cold packs.
Marilou knows she is in the the Lord's hands and she is so encouraged at so many that are praying for her from all over the world. Thank you so much!
While we were there I asked if they had the results of the biopsy (No one had called yet!!!). The results of the biopsy is that Marilou had Pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to the liver. The report states that there is a proliferation of malignant masses on the Pancreas and Liver.
They put in a referral for the oncologist, so we will wait now to get an appointment with the oncologist to see what they say, and what treatment options they suggest.
We appreciate your prayers in this process. I think right now the most pressing need is to keep the fevers under control. There is not a lot we can do for that except the Tylenol and Ibuprofen and cold packs.
Marilou knows she is in the the Lord's hands and she is so encouraged at so many that are praying for her from all over the world. Thank you so much!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011 8:39 AM, PDT
The Fever "Roller Coaster"
Last night had me quite concerned as Marilou's temperature began to rise again...at one point reaching 104.3. Tylenol and a continuous application of cold packs managed to get it down to 101.6 by the time I got her to bed. She is thinking that these fevers have been going on since she had the Ultrasound back in early July. We have not had a fever over 104 up to this point.
We are hoping to hear from the doctor today, and also talk about what is going on with the fevers. When she was in for the biopsy, the doctor said he was fairly sure this was not the result of an infection, but reaction of what is going on with the liver.
Marilou is going to try to go to work today. She has a short day, with just one of her clients. We are praying that this will go well.
Pray for the fevers to be brought under control. Pray for the pain she is still in from the biopsy.
Thanks for all your support and prayers
We are hoping to hear from the doctor today, and also talk about what is going on with the fevers. When she was in for the biopsy, the doctor said he was fairly sure this was not the result of an infection, but reaction of what is going on with the liver.
Marilou is going to try to go to work today. She has a short day, with just one of her clients. We are praying that this will go well.
Pray for the fevers to be brought under control. Pray for the pain she is still in from the biopsy.
Thanks for all your support and prayers
Monday, August 15, 2011 4:42 PM, PDT
Continue to pray for strength
On this Monday, Marilou continues to have a low grade fever from time to time. Of course, she is still recovering from the Friday biopsy.
Cold towels and Tylonol seem to be the best remedy at this point. And of course your prayers.
Plus waiting is the hard part... we are hoping that by Tuesday (tomorrow) we will have some word on the results of the biopsy.
Cold towels and Tylonol seem to be the best remedy at this point. And of course your prayers.
Plus waiting is the hard part... we are hoping that by Tuesday (tomorrow) we will have some word on the results of the biopsy.
Marilou is keeping her eyes firmly on the Lord. She is really an inspiration to me.
We appreciate your continued prayers.
We appreciate your continued prayers.
Saturday, August 13, 2011 5:54 PM, PDT
Saturday evening - much better
One last entry for this Saturday.
After some Tylenol, cool packs and ice cream (I think it was the ice cream) Marilou's temperature is back down to normal.
She had been more alert this afternoon, and had a good portion for dinner. This is really encouraging, and it's great to see her looking and feeling better now.
Thanks for all your prayers. We appreciate every one of you.
Good Night!
After some Tylenol, cool packs and ice cream (I think it was the ice cream) Marilou's temperature is back down to normal.
She had been more alert this afternoon, and had a good portion for dinner. This is really encouraging, and it's great to see her looking and feeling better now.
Thanks for all your prayers. We appreciate every one of you.
Good Night!
Saturday, August 13, 2011 1:49 PM, PDT
Still recovering from Biopsy
Hi Friends,
I drove in to Seattle to get Marilou. Esther and Tony were on their way and by the time we got there at about 9:00am she was getting dressed and ready to come home. She had already had her breakfast, so Esther, Tony and I had the bagles they brought.
Marilou and I arrived home about 11 am and she went right to bed. It is now 2:00 and she has the fever back again... last check it was 102.5.
Fed her some Ice Cream and putting cold packs on her. Trying to get this fever down so she doesn't end up back in the hospital.
She is so thankful for all the prayers and support from people all over the country and around the world who are praying for her.
We'll keep this up-to-date as much as possible on her condition.
Thanks again for praying.
I drove in to Seattle to get Marilou. Esther and Tony were on their way and by the time we got there at about 9:00am she was getting dressed and ready to come home. She had already had her breakfast, so Esther, Tony and I had the bagles they brought.
Marilou and I arrived home about 11 am and she went right to bed. It is now 2:00 and she has the fever back again... last check it was 102.5.
Fed her some Ice Cream and putting cold packs on her. Trying to get this fever down so she doesn't end up back in the hospital.
She is so thankful for all the prayers and support from people all over the country and around the world who are praying for her.
We'll keep this up-to-date as much as possible on her condition.
Thanks again for praying.
First Entry - August 12 - 15 days into the Journey
Friday, August 12, 2011 10:15 PM, PDT
Background Note: Our journey began in June of 2011 when my wife, Marilou went to the doctor because of stomach pain and reflux. She was given some meds for reflux, and later was scheduled for an Ultrasound. The Ultrasound is what I count as the beginning point of this journey. That was on July 27, 2011. That was also the week we were moving from an apartment into a new home. On Saturday morning, July 30th, she had a blood test and helped finish moving. July 30th was our first night together in our new home.
A CT Scan was then scheduled for Wednesday, August 3rd. The biopsy was scheduled for Friday, August 12th... 16 days from the Ultrasound.
Biopsy Today
Today we left the house here in Monroe, WA. to drive to Seattle for her biopsy.
She was supposed to receive a letter from Group Health giving instructions regarding preparing, but we never received it so we were kind of "going in blind."
After a couple of wrong places, as we rounded the corner to the "Extended Observation" section, the girls at the desk all said, "Are you Marilou?!" It really made her feel welcomed and appreciated.
The prep work was done, blood drawn, the obligatory open backed gown dispensed and we waited until it was our turn. The doctors and everyone were so wonderful, and the biopsy went very well. The doctor said we should get results by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.
After she got back to the room, Marilou started spiking a fever. First 103,2, then 103.4, then 103.6. The nurse brought in some antibiotics, and I did the cool towel on the forehead and wrists routine. Eventually we got the temperature back down to 99.5!!! We were all so happy thinking we could still get home tonight.
Then when the doctor came in on his second visit, he said he had consulted with several others and they felt is would be best to keep her overnight for observation, and do some more tests. They wanted to make sure there was nothing going on from their poke at the liver. I guess the lesson is, never make your live mad!
Anyway she is staying overnight there tonight, and I hope to bring her home tomorrow.
There was a clarification that came from this. When it looked like there might have been an infection, we were thinking maybe whatever was showing up on the liver and pancreas might just be infection... how easy would that be? But the doctor said he was reasonably sure there was not an infection,and that the lesions on her liver and pancreas were not from infection, but rather her symptoms... lack of appetite, and being run down all the time, are reactions of the body to whatever is going on with the liver and pancreas.
The wonderful thing for us was that our daughter, Esther lives just three blocks away from the hospital!! So she stay for a while after I left to come home. I am hoping to bring her home tomorrow, and we are praying for quick results from the biopsy and more "unknown" being made known and clear.
So hopefully she will get some rest at the hospital tonight.
Good night all.
Background Note: Our journey began in June of 2011 when my wife, Marilou went to the doctor because of stomach pain and reflux. She was given some meds for reflux, and later was scheduled for an Ultrasound. The Ultrasound is what I count as the beginning point of this journey. That was on July 27, 2011. That was also the week we were moving from an apartment into a new home. On Saturday morning, July 30th, she had a blood test and helped finish moving. July 30th was our first night together in our new home.
A CT Scan was then scheduled for Wednesday, August 3rd. The biopsy was scheduled for Friday, August 12th... 16 days from the Ultrasound.
Biopsy Today
Today we left the house here in Monroe, WA. to drive to Seattle for her biopsy.
She was supposed to receive a letter from Group Health giving instructions regarding preparing, but we never received it so we were kind of "going in blind."
After a couple of wrong places, as we rounded the corner to the "Extended Observation" section, the girls at the desk all said, "Are you Marilou?!" It really made her feel welcomed and appreciated.
The prep work was done, blood drawn, the obligatory open backed gown dispensed and we waited until it was our turn. The doctors and everyone were so wonderful, and the biopsy went very well. The doctor said we should get results by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.
After she got back to the room, Marilou started spiking a fever. First 103,2, then 103.4, then 103.6. The nurse brought in some antibiotics, and I did the cool towel on the forehead and wrists routine. Eventually we got the temperature back down to 99.5!!! We were all so happy thinking we could still get home tonight.
Then when the doctor came in on his second visit, he said he had consulted with several others and they felt is would be best to keep her overnight for observation, and do some more tests. They wanted to make sure there was nothing going on from their poke at the liver. I guess the lesson is, never make your live mad!
Anyway she is staying overnight there tonight, and I hope to bring her home tomorrow.
There was a clarification that came from this. When it looked like there might have been an infection, we were thinking maybe whatever was showing up on the liver and pancreas might just be infection... how easy would that be? But the doctor said he was reasonably sure there was not an infection,and that the lesions on her liver and pancreas were not from infection, but rather her symptoms... lack of appetite, and being run down all the time, are reactions of the body to whatever is going on with the liver and pancreas.
The wonderful thing for us was that our daughter, Esther lives just three blocks away from the hospital!! So she stay for a while after I left to come home. I am hoping to bring her home tomorrow, and we are praying for quick results from the biopsy and more "unknown" being made known and clear.
So hopefully she will get some rest at the hospital tonight.
Good night all.
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