That is about the only way to describe the sense of isolation that I am feeling in these days...
This sense of isolation is the product of a number of contributing factors...
-- March 3rd was the 18 month anniversary of Marilou's passing
-- March 9th would have been Marilou's 66th birthday
-- I have recently had some very crushing disappointments that have left my heart broken and left me struggling not to give in to unrealistic expectation.
-- Although most of the time I feel like I am making "moderate" progress with the language, when all the above are added to the issues of isolation because of language, the situation grows more intense. When you try your best and they still say, "I don't understand." you wonder sometimes if you will every get it.
-- There is in reality no one here with whom I can share... there are times when you just miss sitting down with a friend who can listen and understand. I do not have that here at this time.
-- Not having transportation, and not having folks near to help me learn... my language is not enough to get me many places, but I need to try harder.
There are other issues and thought that crowd into my mind...
-- March 3rd was Sunday.... I was so occupied on that day, that honestly, I didn't even realize it was the 18 month anniversary. So then I try to figure if I should be feeling guilty for not remembering, or if that is a sign that I am "kind of" moving on? I honestly don't know.
-- I don't know if a close intimate relationship is in God's plan for me, so I am wanting to really focus on His sufficiency for me. He spoke to me during one worship service and reminded me that He is enough.
-- The lack of companionship after 39 years can be pretty intense. You get used to having someone to just talk to about "stuff."
So, this is part of the "Land of Firsts" too... the isolation is not a "First" but each time it becomes intense, it feels like another first.
What do you do in these situations? You remember the Truth.
Psalm 63:1-2 states:
A Psalm of David when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You In a dry and thirsty land Where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory.
So, I remember the words from the Sanctuary... "I am enough" "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" "You shall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side." (Psalm 71:21)
Another leg on this journey of "Walking Through the Land of Firsts."
Thanks for listening....and walking along for a while...
'til next time....
