It is actually 1:12 AM. I have already had my good cry, and the kleenex to prove it are on the floor and a couple on the bed beside me. Seems like I wake up a lot this time of night lately. And then about 4 AM or so. The song that is going over an over in my head is, "I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And anytime, I don't know... what to do... I just cast all my cares upon you." Well, that's kinda what I've been doing here. crying out... wiping my nose... the usual stuff.
I think the buggest thing tonight is just there is so, so, so much to do. So many things to decide, and it's really HARD when you have to make those decisions all by yourself. With the conflicting answers about visas, who do I believe, which way to I turn? I don't have $200 to pay a lawyer tell my my options about the house. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this stuff....!! I don't know! And I don't feel like I can make those kinds of decisions all by myself. And the list goes on... into the night.
I've cried, I'm writing, I'm tired again now... maybe this time.
But there is so much to think about... the two biggest things that have to be done for me to get to Brazil, is the house and the visa. And this was one of those nights when I felt so totally overwhelmed with it all.
Daddy is so Good.!! Really, our relationship has been amazing... He is so patient with me. He is not the one that is thinking I should be about over this stuff. I know sometimes I do, and I'm pretty sure there are some folks I deal with who figure that, but don't want to say too much. It's only been six months, coming up on March 3. Jeez, I can't even sometimes get my head around what has happened, let alone "be ok with it" after six whole months.
It's a time full of contradictions. On one hand, I am "unfettered." Meaning there are really no things that keep me from doing what I feel the Lord tells me to do. "Foot loose and Fancy free" as they used to say. Kind of an interesting time to live in... to think about anyway. No one to ask permission from. No one to check in with. Cool, right? sure in some sense, but also it means that there is no one there to ask things of. no one there to discuss things with. Kinda works both ways, at least right now.
The wonderful thing that I have been offered t be adopted...well asked to join a church I have been attending here. The pastor sat across the table from me at Starucks and said "You need a family." And he is so right. I DO need a family... close. A family I can lean on and trust and dry with. I don't know actually if they know all they bargained for ... yet, but its nice.
So the midnight grief monster struck tonight.... but there is also the trying to figure out how to function well as the "footloose ad fancy free old guy." And wondering how all the pieces for Brazil are going to come together. Soooooo many things to get ready.. my website... you know how long it takes to learn a new system????? Believe me a lot of time.
So I am getting sleepy again, I hope that portends better things ahead. At least in the rest department. I also realized this week, I dress like an old dad... or something... I need help getting up to date.
I like it, it's fun. I'm up for fun... then there are those times after pushing myself for so long... it has to come out somewhere, and here on my bed at 1:00 am is as good as any.
...Till next time.....
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
February 10, 2012 - Memories, Taxes and Tears
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.... last week I was in Wisconsin and had a wonderful time teaching at the College of Prayer there. It was a powerful time. Met a dear sister whose husband had only passed away last May. Still fresh...When you meet someone like that, there is a "knowing." I think especially when it is still so fresh... only five months for me. But there is a "knowing" that others can not grasp unless they have walked in this land. The week was good - and busy. I came back to business and the reality that I have a meeting with my tax man next Monday night. Well, that presented a problem. At the very time that Marilou fell sick, my computers hard drive died as well. Interesting, eh?
But that meant that I lost some data, and... I am W-A-Y behind in trying to get all that data put back into the Quicken files. So I have been trying, between phone calls, and other obligations to get caught up.
So that lead me to a very unexpected "First" tonight. I was going through the checks, inputting them into Quicken...pretty boring and routine... had some music on in the background... just routine... right?
Until I began to input checks for the down payment on the house... for the inspection on the house... the last check I wrote for our old apartment....suddenly a flood of memories and emotions again came rising to the surface... remembering how happy we were... remembering the look on her face when we signed the papers at closing...writing the check for the curtains... for the small rugs for the living room. Memories, Taxes, and Tears. They all came flooding in, and I realized ... I was at another one of those signposts along the way in this Land of Firsts.
A welcome chat from a friend in Brazil broke the flood for a while. I explained what I was experiencing. They had wonderful words about God's faithfulness. I saw it as a divine interruption, but still... Here I am again...tears streaming down my face, snot running down my lip, and it's like the grief is just as real now, as it was that first day. You know, it's supposed to get better, or so they say. But you hit one of these "signposts" and it's like that underground river comes roaring back to life. So... my release is here... writing it out...release..my relief valve. Gosh I miss her!
I met with one of the pastors this morning. The church where we had her memorial. The last church Marilou ever attended on this earth. He is so kind. He met with me before I went to Wisconsin, and said he thought I needed a family here. And they wanted to be that family. I do, I need a family... Not to replace Esther and Tony and Jonathan and Carol, but some folks who will be around here. I was thinking as I came back from my meeting with him how good it would be if I had someone I could just talk to here.
But I find it difficult, because by the time you call, or find someone home, that wave of emotion has crested, and you're in the lull between waves. So you just kind of ride each wave as it comes until they subside again, and retreat back to that underground river.
It's not all been so bad. I've had some really good days. And things are changing I think. I still feel the void of her absence, but I truly want to venture out in this new season of my life. I was told Monday by a dear friend I need to "follow my heart." I want to, I just have to figure out what that really is. How does this new house play into that? Where does my income come from? So much is still unknown, unsettled. It's not like my wife died and I go back to my job and plug away. About the same time, my job has sort of disappeared, my income has disappeared, and EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in my life is floating in suspended animation. Waiting for what? I'm not sure.
Well, I've got to work on these taxes. I'm right at September...and I have to push through to the end of the year. So I'll slug away here with my Memories, Taxes and Tears...
... till next time...
But that meant that I lost some data, and... I am W-A-Y behind in trying to get all that data put back into the Quicken files. So I have been trying, between phone calls, and other obligations to get caught up.
So that lead me to a very unexpected "First" tonight. I was going through the checks, inputting them into Quicken...pretty boring and routine... had some music on in the background... just routine... right?
Until I began to input checks for the down payment on the house... for the inspection on the house... the last check I wrote for our old apartment....suddenly a flood of memories and emotions again came rising to the surface... remembering how happy we were... remembering the look on her face when we signed the papers at closing...writing the check for the curtains... for the small rugs for the living room. Memories, Taxes, and Tears. They all came flooding in, and I realized ... I was at another one of those signposts along the way in this Land of Firsts.
A welcome chat from a friend in Brazil broke the flood for a while. I explained what I was experiencing. They had wonderful words about God's faithfulness. I saw it as a divine interruption, but still... Here I am again...tears streaming down my face, snot running down my lip, and it's like the grief is just as real now, as it was that first day. You know, it's supposed to get better, or so they say. But you hit one of these "signposts" and it's like that underground river comes roaring back to life. So... my release is here... writing it out...release..my relief valve. Gosh I miss her!
I met with one of the pastors this morning. The church where we had her memorial. The last church Marilou ever attended on this earth. He is so kind. He met with me before I went to Wisconsin, and said he thought I needed a family here. And they wanted to be that family. I do, I need a family... Not to replace Esther and Tony and Jonathan and Carol, but some folks who will be around here. I was thinking as I came back from my meeting with him how good it would be if I had someone I could just talk to here.
But I find it difficult, because by the time you call, or find someone home, that wave of emotion has crested, and you're in the lull between waves. So you just kind of ride each wave as it comes until they subside again, and retreat back to that underground river.
It's not all been so bad. I've had some really good days. And things are changing I think. I still feel the void of her absence, but I truly want to venture out in this new season of my life. I was told Monday by a dear friend I need to "follow my heart." I want to, I just have to figure out what that really is. How does this new house play into that? Where does my income come from? So much is still unknown, unsettled. It's not like my wife died and I go back to my job and plug away. About the same time, my job has sort of disappeared, my income has disappeared, and EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in my life is floating in suspended animation. Waiting for what? I'm not sure.
Well, I've got to work on these taxes. I'm right at September...and I have to push through to the end of the year. So I'll slug away here with my Memories, Taxes and Tears...
... till next time...
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