One Year.... What do I say?

One Year... Today is the "One Year Anniversary" of Marilou's Home-going.

And to be honest with you I'm not sure what to write here. Last post I wrote was about "Loop Soup," and all the mixture of feelings that are swirling around in me. I'm still in the pot!!

This is a strange place, this "Land of Firsts." I'm not sure I necessarily had any expectations of what I would find as I entered this new land, but it is not anything like I would have imagined. At least for me. And all of us are different in how we react and respond to this new territory.

But it is a strange place. In hearing some people talk, I would have thought I might be a pile of tears today. Well, the day's not over yet.... but this morning was taken up looking for my license tab that was supposed to go on my car on Saturday. So after that frantic search, it was time to head over to Esther and Tony's place to walk a little and have lunch together. I ditched out so I would be alone at 2:50pm... the time of her passing.

I "knew" the time in my senses when it came, even though I was driving. No breakdown, just remembering...

And, things change...

The recliner sofa she relaxed in her last day here just went out the door. The room where a year ago, Marilou had spent her last nine day in her hospital bed, where we all gathered a year ago today to watch her pass into eternity. Where I kept my finger on her artery until the very last pulse was done... at 2:50 pm. That room is now a "staging area" for my packing my belongings for the move to Brazil.

 Never!! would I have even dreamt that a year after we left her body lying in that bed, and I was calling the Hospice to tell them she passed away, would I have thought I would be packing bags, selling furniture and books and everything else I can, in order to take up a new residency in Brazil.


But here it is. A year later and still I'm sometimes wondering if this is all real. It's hard to believe it's only been a year, and it's hard to believe it's been a whole year! I'm not sure how I should react... There are times when the "wave" comes suddenly and I remember something we shared together... and then it passes. And in a way, I almost feel guilty if I am not sorrowful or crying, yet in the midst of all of this the Lord has given me great peace, and perhaps the fact that this call to Brazil came so soon is really the Lord's way of keeping me from dwelling too much on the loss.

There was a very serendipitous moment a few days ago as I made a video to remember this one year anniversary ( you can watch it on my YouTube channel - Click Here ). I had watched it a number of times before with tears in my eyes each time. But this time, still with tears in my eyes, I was overwhelmed with a sense of thanksgiving! My heart was just crying out, "Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have this wonderful person in my life for those years!!!"  It was another one of those turning point moments. A few months ago, the Lord spoke to me about making her life a source of worship, but here it became real and powerful thanks for this life that touched mine, shaped mine, challenged mine. I was blown away!

 So here I am, at the one year mark... a "Loop Soup" of mixed emotions and circumstances. A past to celebrate, and a future to explore. Actually, it's quite amazing. And... this is not the end of the "Firsts!" I will be having a whole new season of "Firsts" as I head to Brazil, learn a new language, a new culture, a new ministry... and who knows what other "Firsts" are awaiting me. Oh yea, My Lord knows!  

Then, it's OK.

'till next time...