March 3, 2012 - Six Months hits hard.

I didn't really expect the six month mark to hurt this much. March 3rd is the six month remembrance... (I can't bring myself to use the word "Anniversary" because that word connotes happy celebration). I knew it was coming, and then it started flooding in... the memories... the emotions. The "unreality" of it all... I didn't expect it to be hit quite this hard so early. It began this afternoon, as I thought about the family being here, our vigil, the last hours...and then it came flooding in again... the loneliness, empty.... I thought I could stick it out at prayer meeting tonight, but I just didn't want to risk breaking down there and disrupting everything.  There's a part of me that just says, nobody can understand this... For God's Sake, I DON'T EVEN  UNDERSTAND IT!  The depth of the chasm of grief is unmeasurable... there is not bottom... at least so it seems now. I am staring into the abyss, and all I see is the black emptiness of Grief. There are not words to really describe it.

And then tonight, all of the feelings from Tuesday came flooding back. It's the combination punch of all the stuff together. If it was only one thing, maybe... but the death of the love of my life, my partner, the one who shared my life, and then having to fight the battles of no income, what to do with the house, the VA that called and said, no they won't pay the hospital bill, I'll have to file an appeal. Everything is a battle...the keyboard tray broke on my computer desk tonight, that was one of those "pokes in the eye" I didn't need... it seems sometimes there is confrontation at every level, and then there is the long list of things to do, battles every one, and it just all kind of falls in, and the pile is so high.Too high. And coming of course at this particular time, it becomes suffocating... overwhelming. Alone.

And I feel guilty for letting it get to me. It's the same thing at in those first weeks. Life goes on, everyone is in their "normal" routine, and have no clue the hell you are going through inside. It takes a lot of energy to keep your chin up, did you know that? And then if I give in, I feel guilty because I am not living in the victory. I know when I get on the other side of this, the Lord's Grace will be what has brought me through, but in the meantime there really does exist the valley of the shadow of death, and sometimes you can smell it's hot and stinky breath right on your neck.

Saturday, March 3rd. Six months. Right now, it doesn't hurt any less. People say it will get less. I want it to go away... the pain, the agony. But it can't go away because it is the gaping hole that remains in me. I carry it wherever I go. So...I know... the Lord is good, He will see me through. "Daddy" and I are on a new adventure together, but Daddy, right now, I just need you to pull the motorcycle and sidecar over to the side of the road, and I need you to hold me, and tell me it will be OK. Then we can drive on together.... OK?


...until next time...

Marilou, I miss you...